Eyes on God

Wholly Holy

Wholly Holy

"A holy response comes from a wholly committed heart". In the Book of Numbers I read the story of Joshua who was "wholly committed to follow the Lord". The Bible mentions five more times that he wholly followed the Lord. To do this, every part of his life had to be centered on God and His holy purpose - ready to follow at any minute, with no excuse or second thought.

I am at that point in my life when it is hard to "go" anywhere in a wheelchair. I still want to be open to God's calling. If God calls me to a task, I want to respond without excuses. I am at a new stage in my life: retired, getting healthy, loosing weight, no longer a caregiver to my Dad. At times of great change Satan can sneak in. So tonight I am praying for guidance for many decisions.

"Open up before God, keep nothing back;
he'll do whatever needs to be done:
He'll validate your life in the clear light of day
and stamp you with approval at high noon. " Psalm 37:5 (the Message version)

"Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3 (NIV)

I realize that such commitment to follow wholly - means that I must pay a price. Whatever that price is, I am sure that it cannot compare to the glory to come and the joy and peace that following Jesus on earth will bring. I am just reaching a point where the emotional barriers are coming down, and I am becoming a free person, with daily choices to make. For many years the daily choice was easy ~ die or live, drown in despair or survive, get help or give up. That battle is not as intense anymore. So many victories have been won - thanks to God's love and forgiveness. Now, there are more good days than days full of anguish. I am asking God to use me but I am not sure what His answer is for me tonight. So I will continue to work on weight loss, eating healthy, and learning how to mature as a Christian. The wholly committed life is not easy but I know the Lord will give me strength.

Lord, I am at a cross roads in my life. I pray that you will accept my cracked earthen vessel as your home and let me serve you wholly. Without Your love and grace, I would be nothing. Guide me day by day, for without the light of Your presence, I am blind and do not know what to do. Lord, for those who are struggling, I pray that they receive guidance and hope. Where ever you need me to go - I will go. Whatever you want me to do - I will do. With Christ as my mirror and my Savior, I pray this prayer. Amen.

Salvation's Garden without Weeds

Salvation's Garden without the Weeds

I think survivors have layers of healing to deal with. There are times when something someone says or does triggers a part of the mind that has not been healed. "At the right time" God presents a challenge, a memory, a sore spot that needs to be healed - at that time. When this happens, I experience that moment in time as if it were happening again. I am shocked, angered, and worn out by the sharp reality of abuse, family secrets, and lies. I want to deny it all. Denial is the easy road to take. For those people that think that one zap heals all problems ~ that in one second God heals and allows an abused person to walk as a totally whole person - I say - that idea is probably cruel denial on their part. It is easier to deny the amount of work that must be done to heal from years of abuse. God made my mind so wonderfully that it allowed me to "be gone" mentally during years of abuse. If he had not blessed me with such a creative mind - I would have killed myself at age 8 or 9. The memory "switch" doesn't come back on all at once, revealing all the atrocities in the bright light of truth. God is gentle in his healing and kind, he guards and shelters us from those hurts that our minds cannot take in one revelation. He turns on the light with a "dimmer", letting me see what my soul can handle. Emotionally I know that I have to learn to crawl first and then walk before I can run. To expect anyone who comes from an abused background to be healed instantly - to zap the pain away or weight off - is just plain cruel.

You can tell that this is an emotionally charged issue for me. Today at the pool I thought that one lady was declaring that if I only prayed harder and forgive everyone that had ever hurt me - if I followed that quick and easy formula of faith - that complete healing was there for the taking. She asked if I had forgiven my mother. I told her yes. However, as new memories flood over me, as I walk forward into new situations in life and find that I was not taught a skill or my vision of life was warped by my mother's fears and brainwashing ~ new reasons to forgive and grow come to light. With these new memories - come momentary anger at what was done to a little girl.

As for the lady at the pool ~ I did get angry at her. Where did the anger come from? Who was I angry at? Then the Lord opened my mind and shed light on a few more past memories of other times when I had tried to loose weight... of other times that people said "just bow before the Lord, open your heart to Him and He will heal you - just believe!" Well, I spent years of pleading, I had bloodied knees and blood shot eyes from praying. God answered my prayers and taught me that He still loves me and there are natural, normal, God-created ways to heal the mind and spirit that has been abused. I am so thankful he sent me to the right people for help. I was blessed with therapists that let God heal me - layer by layer.

Life was unjust, people were unjust, and along the way people were foolish. Anger wells up inside me sometimes. Today triggered memories of times when God fearing brothers and sisters said inappropriate things because it was easy for them to say, "Just pray ~ God will heal you." They did not have the strength or knowledge to take the time back then and allowing me to work through the grief, disbelief, and lost years due to abuse. It helps me to realize that it was not their job and they could not handle it. They did not know what to say - so - out came their only advice. I try to remember that God has given me people who were sign posts, pointing the way to Him. Today, I am battling frustration and anger. Today, I turn again to God for help, for pruning, and for the watering of my soul:

^"Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. God's righteousness doesn't grow from human anger. So throw all spoiled virtue and cancerous evil in the garbage. In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation-garden of your life. " James 1:19-20 (The Message version)

My prayer is that I can learn to forgive others for being human and imperfect - forgive instantly and hold my tongue and my judgement of their inability to help me. I cannot expect others to understand the deep hurt and scars of abuse. I hope that next time I will understand that others do not see me - the real me - like God does ~~ and that is more than enough. There is a balm in Gilead!

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." Eph. 4:31-32 (New Living version)

So today I come before the great Gardener and plea for forgiveness and salvation. I hold onto the hope that healing will come. I rejoice in another week of healthy eating and weight loss. Without God's work in my "salvation garden", I would still be locked in the darkness of fear, rage, and shame. Without God's help and healing throughout the years I would be filling my hungry, battered, grief-stricken heart with food. He is setting me free and I know that some day soon I will bloom - it will be a blossom created by God and His nurtured seed in my heart will flower in His time and His season of joy.

Lord, today I come before you humbled by my human frailty, my weakness. So much of my life is still bound and chained by the emotions that are still hidden. Thank you for uncovering the layers of memories and hurt - using Your time table. You are truly wonderful and worthy to be praised. Thank you for the helpers that you have sent during my life's journey. Lord please help me to forgive those that meant well - but were insensitive. Help me to be slow to speak and even slower to show anger around others. Help me to deal with my anger in a contructive way. Thank you for those that have spent years training to be helpers to others - therapist, doctors, councilors, and ministers. They have such beautiful feet and such healing hearts. To You, Lord I give my anger today, and through my Redeemer's name I pray. Amen

Freedom

Freedom

Freedom! Freedom from depression, from sadness, from the chains of addiction! At least for part of this day - that is how I felt ~ free. It was mostly a good day ~ and that goodness can only come from God. Today I want to focus on freedom.

For much of my life I was held captive ~ by controllers or abusers. I even joked with people in support groups and in therapy ~ "Every year or so, I would spend time at our family's concentration camp!" They would look confused, shocked, or disbelieving. Some people still do not believe that we had concentration camps in America - in American history. No way! But they are wrong. To the people behind the barbed-wire fences and guard towers ~ they knew that they were being led to a concentration camp when the gates closed behind them. To the people who were herded and poked in the back with a sword, pistol, Winchester, M1, or M16 as they were led into these "detention centers", "relocation centers", or whatever the government called them at that particular time in history ~ those people knew that they had lost their freedom.

After World War II ended, my family bought the land where one of the ten Japanese-American concentration camps once stood. Today there is still evidence left behind of the 8,000 people (half of them children) that were kept there: a smoke stack from the hospital, huge concrete circles where the water was treated, and soil filled with broken concrete, gravel, and sand. When I was younger, in the 50's, there was much more of the camp showing. Now there is a monument and Japanese-Americans come with their grandparents to visit the place where they went to school - behind barbed wire; where they played baseball - with a gun pointing at them from the watchtower.

Yes, I grew up and played baseball in the same place that someone else did - we shared one thing in common - across the years: the feeling of being trapped. I felt trapped and stifled by abuse and a family system steeped in secrets. Shedding light on my family's disfunctional lifestyle, on the secret sins, on the unspeakable acts ~ this helped me to be free from continuing the cycle of abuse. Truth! Truth will set people free ~ can set a nation free from future acts of injustice. Fear traps people and nations in disfunctional behavior. Seeing the world through God's eyes is the solution. Seeking truth in all things. However, truth that is not tempered with love, mercy, and grace - only leads to more fear, hatred, and abuse. Truth and freedom go hand in hand.

Freedom ~ it is a wonderful feeling! Jesus' touch can free us from pain and he came to free us ~ came to free me:

"God's Spirit is on me; he's chosen me to preach the Message of good news to the poor, Sent me to announce pardon to prisoners and
recovery of sight to the blind, To set the burdened and battered free,
to announce, "This is God's year to act!" Luke 4:18-19

Today, I feel like rejoicing. My wheelchair is fixed and I am free to move around! The rain has stopped and I can cruise outside unto my patio and take a breath. My life has been purchased by the blood of the Lamb. Life can be good ~ with God's help and with the prison gates open wide - Life can be good!

Lord, thank you for the freedom that Your love and grace bring to me. You are powerful beyond measure and I feel so free when I am plugged into You. Forgive me when I do not see Your love everywhere and in every thing. Lord, I pray for those that are still in prison ~ whether it be spiritually, physically, emotionally, or mentally. Show them that they can be free ~ with your help. Through Christ all things are possible and through His name I come before you, Amen.

Below the song - "I Am Free" is the three part introduction to the film series that I am working on about Jerome Arkansas and the Japanese American camps during WWII.

Deadly Kudzu

Deadly Kudzu

Ever hear of Kudzu? It is known as "The vine that ate the South" or "mile-a-minute vine".

Why do I bring up Kudzu? Well, I have a problem with depression. It is an "adjustment disorder with depressed mood". This is depression that comes out of a stressful event. Many survivors have been diagnosed with various types of depression and/or manic depression. My life and moods have always been dictated by whatever situation I was thrown in. I survived by feverishly attempting to do whatever was required during that stressful time and then as soon as that "crazy" event or period of time was over, I went into "lump" mode. As a child, I was called a "lump" or lazy at least a million times times. I was a chess piece to be moved about by someone else. I could not be moved unless some external force "moved" me. As I reached my teen years the anger at this game began to build and I started resisting. The few attempts at repellion were futile and one of these attempts led to marraige to a controller. I soon found out that I had no power over my abusers, my controllers. That is when eating became my power move, something I could control.

As an adult, this has not changed. I have gotten rid of the abusers and controllers in my life but I still move from one extreme to another. After a stressful time, I become inactive, a lump. The eating to feel powerful has changed to a habit that I find hard to control. Just like Kudzu! That import from Japan was used to bring nutrients to the stressed out, used up soil of the South in the '40s and 50's and then it took control. In the South the legend is that if you leave a window open in the night, Kudzu will creep in and smother you. Well, if I let it, depression or "resting" after a storm of stress ~ takes over. I become a lump until the next time that some force "moves me", some emergency happens, or the crisis builds. Everything piles up in the house and tasks that need to get done lurk around every dark corner of the house ~ like Kudzu, ready to overwhelm me or smother me with sadness, and a feeling of dispair. Today I am looking at bills and the financial situation for my Dad's estate, all things that I must work on before the final sale of the house in a week. If I am left alone, I will sit and do nothing. I have so many good reasons for not moving a muscle! I am so tired! I just want to sit and do nothing. Well, God has a solution:

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might... " Ecclesiastes 9:10 ~ and ~ "...do whatever your hand finds to do, for God is with you." I Samuel 10:7. ~ and finally, from the Message version of Isaiah 41:9-10 ~

"I pulled you in from all over the world,
called you in from every dark corner of the earth,
Telling you, 'You're my servant, serving on my side.
I've picked you. I haven't dropped you.'
Don't panic. I'm with you.
There's no need to fear for I'm your God.
I'll give you strength. I'll help you.
I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you."

God is telling me, through His word, that He is in control. If I reach out and grab hold of one task at a time, one handful at a time ~ with His help I can move forward. I am no longer a chess piece. I choose to move forward, with God's help and as I look up from the darkness, from underneath the massive vines of depression, I find that He has had a firm grip on me the whole time!

Lord God Almighty, thank you! Without hope in You I would not be moving at all today. Please help me to grasp onto the tasks that I can handle today and to do that task in Christ's name, with all my might. During those dark, lonely times of pure exhaustion or when depression overtakes me ~ help me find my way back to Your strength, Your light, Your love. I know Lord, without Jesus ~ I have no hope of salvation! So it is through Christ's name I pray this prayer, Amen.

Truly Lovable

Truly Loveable

Have you ever felt unloved, unlovable? I spent the last part of the week at my Dad's house, getting ready for the final move. After his death we had an estate sale and I knew that there would be unsold items to bring back to Dallas for a second sale. Workers found more than just old boxes of papers in the attic and what was going to be a simple move ended up being a nightmare. Friday they unloaded boxes into every room of my house in Dallas. Even my back patio has stacks of old furniture on it. The unfinished dreams, postponed projects, boxes of personal papers, and more bits of pieces of the past are now ramparts that must be maneuvered as I limp through the house. My electric wheelchair could not take the mess, and is now in need of repair. After all the movers, volunteers, and workers left, I was left alone to deal with this heap. As the quiet settled in and the rain began to fall from a grey sky, I felt so alone, so dejected. The task ahead seemed overwhelming. I thought that I was mostly done going through boxes, filing, shredding, and pricing. It will be another month, at least, before most of this is gone through; another six months before the boxes of papers and old books are sorted. The walls of boxes fence me in but this feeling of abandonment in the face of what seems to be impossible brought back old feelings ~ the feeling of being overwhelmed or surrounded by people that were unable to love me - as I was, as I am. They turned away because it was just too hard a task to deal with all of my unfinished dreams, postponed projects, personal tragedies, and scarred past. Now with a massive globular layer of fat surrounding my body and feeling like my family's past has encased me in boxes ~ I am finding it very hard to count my blessings, very hard to be positive. The weeping starts and will not stop. It is an effort to even breathe. The images and memories brought on by all of the boxes of papers, furniture, and household decorations ~ once again bring sorrow, anger, and so many other feelings. I know the crying is natural during the mourning process and that I am also so very, very tired. So once again I cry out, "Does anyone see me?!? Can anyone love me NOW?!? Can anyone love this mess that I am today?" The answer comes with a whisper and then a shout... ... ...

John 3:16 ~ " For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son". I go to the scriptures that have helped me in the past. ... ... ..."It wasn't so long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin. You let the world, which doesn't know the first thing about living, tell you how to live. .... .... immense in mercy and with an incredible love, He embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did all this on his own, with no help from us! Then he picked us up and set us down in highest heaven in company with Jesus, our Messiah. " Eph. 2:1-6 ... ... ... "God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him" I John 4:19 Once again, God's word to me gets through all the chaos and helps me put what I can't handle aside and focus on what I can do today.

Lord, please keep reminding me of Your place in my heart and in my life. Let Your love reign over me today and fill me with the peace during this time of sorrow and chaos. In my Savior's name, I pray. Amen.

Breathing Out

I found Jesus there

I found Jesus there

Here is a story of faith ... ... ...

A surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across from him. "Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart...".
"You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted. The surgeon looked up, annoyed. " I'll cut your heart open," he continued, "to see how much damage has been done...". ....."But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there," the boy insisted.
The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. He talked to them as a family directly, "When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up and I'll plan what to do next." The boy tugged on the coat sleeve of the doctor and said, "But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The Bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart."

The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart. I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels. And I'll find out if I can make you well." The young boy looked at the doctor with serious, faith-filled eyes and said - one last time,"You'll find Jesus there too. He lives there." The surgeon left.

The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery: "...damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration. No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy: painkillers and bed rest. Prognosis: " here he paused, "death within one year."
He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said.
"Why?" he asked aloud. "Why did You do this? You've put him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"
The Lord answered and said, "The boy, My lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is a part of My flock, and will forever be. Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain, and will be comforted as you cannot imagine. His parents will one day join him here, and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to grow. " The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You created that boy, and You created that heart. He'll be dead in months. Why?" The Lord answered quietly, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for he has done his duty: I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb. " The surgeon wept.

The next day, the surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?" "Yes," said the surgeon. "What did you find?" asked the boy."

"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.

-- Author Unknown

Lord God, lead me to the cross every day. Help me to see that without Jesus, without the blood of the Lamb, sin covers my life and soul. Wash me white as snow each day with your light and love. Caste my sins into the deepest part of the ocean. You are worth to be praised! In my Savior's name I pray, Amen.

Liar, Liar!

Liar! Liar!

"Liar, Liar! Pants on fire!" These are words that I wished many times that I could shout back to my mother. She wove such a web of lies around me concerning my body that, to this day, I still believe her. I look at the pictures of myself growing up and I am shocked. I was not fat! Yet in her fear filled eyes I was always fat and the "body" had to be controlled or it would take control and all would be lost. Her disfunctional idea of "body image" branded itself in my brain. Each day as I am trying to dig through the seared remains of my mind, I find that I must take each idea, each phrase, each memory and hold it to the light. Once it is in the light, I must sort the lies from the truth. My distorted body image is the reason that I have been unable to loose weight for years and years. This process of healing and claiming my past for Christ and truth ~ this is the hardest thing I have ever done. But it is time. It is the right time for my salvation:

"By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.

There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!

Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him. " Romans 5:1-8 (The Message version)

My life growing up was based on lies and fear. I escpecially like this version of Romans 5. God always wanted to "set it right with me and make me fit for him". As long as I am harboring lies about my body and my body image ~ then I am not a fit vessel for the Lord to use. I am not saying that physical appearance hinders God's message. Fat people can preach the word, be a blessing to others, and walk through the pearly gates. A liar cannot do these things. Even though the lies were created by my mother and others who believed her, I cannot move forward and be functional until I stop believing those lies, stop living those lies. Every time I believe those lies instead of walking through the door of truth that is held wide open by Christ - I am choosing to go back to prison, the dark despair of my warped body image.

Verse 5 of Romans 5 is so helpful to me today: "hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. " NIV This "outpouring" of God's love into my scorched, hurting heart is actually translated as a continual, never ending act. That is why I like The Message version. I can't round up enough containers to hold all the truth and love that God is generously pouring into my life today. This is all happening just at the right time, when I needed it the most, when I am ready to see the truth, strong enough to take the full brunt of this truth. Because God chose the right time, I am now strong enough to face the lies and view my body in the light of God's love and forgiveness. I cannot be used by God the way I am. Once again this is not because I am obese - no! Obese people can be used by God. It is not because I am size 30 - because God does not see the outward part of me. It is because my heart and mind are mummified. Like a dead person walking around, I must unravel all the layers of putrid lies that incase my image of myself and let Christ bring to life my dead, numb heart. I need His help to walk a new path, a new life. When this task is done, I don't want people to say, "You look so wonderful! You have lost so much weight!" I want them to shout, " She's free! She's alive! She's alive!"

Lord, please help me each day to face the truth. Help me to sort through the lies that are buried so deep in my heart and mind. Lord, help me to forgive. As I uncover lie after lie, help me to forgive those people who spoke those lies and then reinforced them with their actions, their torture. Forgiving is so hard for me God. All I want to do is make them pay for what they did to a little girl's heart, who only wanted to love them and have their approval. Lord, free me from the burden of this overwhelming sadness and pain. With your help Lord I have lost over twenty pounds. Lord, help me be like Paul and claim each victory for you. Help me point to you as my Savior of my life, of each successful day. In my Redeemer's name I pray, Amen.

Stand Strong

Stand Strong

The Egyptians were about to overtake the fleeing Isaelites. They were panicing. They cried out to God. "Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren’t there enough graves for us in Egypt? What have you done to us? Why did you make us leave Egypt? ¹² Didn’t we tell you this would happen while we were still in Egypt? We said, ‘Leave us alone! Let us be slaves to the Egyptians. It’s better to be a slave in Egypt than a corpse in the wilderness!’” Exodus 14

This scripture and story really speaks to me tonight. The Lord has led me on such a wonderful exodus leading away from slavery and toward a new healthy life. However, there are times during the day that I feel like a walking corpse. I am so used to being a slave to my food addiction, to numbing out the pain by eating those foods that pacify my fears ~ even for a short time. So I have taken steps away from that old life and I am doing very well with eating the right foods. I am eating healthier than I have my whole life! Why do I still feel like a corpse walking through a place that is strange and desolate to me? I find myself wanting to go back to what is familiar and safe. The urge to get in the car and drive to Sonic or Braums is overwhelming. I feel like a battle is raging as the cravings continue to beat down my resolve. Like the Israelites I need a reminder:

“Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. ¹⁴ The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

What does this have to do with me today? I am reminded that fear of new things is just a human condition; that I am not alone. Also, if I will stand still and stand strong, the Lord will rescue me. I just have to look toward His direction to find the way through the battle. Another promise that I see in these verses: God will fight for me if I just stay calm. So I will continue forward, one step at a time, one diet journal entry at a time. I will try not to beat myself up when I feel overwhelmed by temptations. I will try to remember to: "Just stay calm"

Dear Lord,

Please help me on my path toward healing. My need for comfort food is overwhelming tonight. Please help me to stand strong and stay calm. Please take over this battle that is waging in my mind and body. Lord, I desperately need you to fight for me tonight. Rescue me from petty worries and concerns. Thank you for the glory of your salvation and grace. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Tiny Ripple or Tsunami

Center Stage

Center Stage

Paul was sitting in a Roman prison praying for God's people in the city of Ephesus:

^" I have not stopped thanking God for you. I pray for you constantly, asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.

I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms." Eph. 1:17-20

This prayer goes out to the struggling christians in Asia Minor (now Turkey) and it also applies to me today. It is a prayer full of light and God's promises for me. Paul wants God to be center stage in my heart and he prays that the curtains of doubt be opened wide, the flood light be focused on the glory of God, so that I can have confident hope! With this knowledge and truth comes understanding of just how great the power of God is. This scripture always gives me a "light bulb" moment! Well, today, once again this scripture helps me, inspires me, and reminds me of God's promise for my life. In Phil. 1:6, I am reminded that:

"...God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."

I might not feel as if any good can come from my past life. I might not feel like I will ever, ever be whole and healthy. I might not understand, minute by minute, how God will make my life complete. But I have faith in God's power to conquer death and I have faith in His power to change my life. Do I always feel empowered? No, not always. The scriptures help me to open the curtains when things are dark and the words of truth shine the flood lights on Christ - not on me.

"Seek the Kingdom of God

^{above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Mathew 6:33}

So much of my past is coming forward to block my eyes, my mind, my heart from God's glory and His help in my life today. I have been on my diet, my personal "fast" for over three weeks now. In so many ways I am being set free from darkness but I still need to uncover more to see things clearly and to put every part of my life and path into the bright glory of the Lord's light.

"...the Lord's Spirit sets us free. So our faces are not covered. They show the bright glory of the Lord, as the Lord's Spirit makes us more and more like our glorious Lord." 2 Cor. 3:17-18

So with the Lord's help I will continue to eat right, eat healthy. Keeping a diet log, or diet journal sheds light on my daily path. Nothing is hidden from God, not even the food that I eat in the night. There is also no shame in the illuminated path toward the bright glorious body the Lord has ready for me. I might not get there on earth but that glory is around the corner. I have a promise that I will begin to "mirror" that glory, more and more each day while I am here on this earth. I hold onto that thought and that hope as I continue on my journey and quest for healthy living and eating.

Lord, once again I come to you, drawn by the light of Your words and promises. Thank you for all that you are showing me about my life and my past. It is not easy to shine the light on my shameful habits and past mistakes. My body is evidence of the dark days and the stretch marks tell a tale of diets started and stopped, and they are a testimony of my life of despair without you. Thank you for the hope that I now have in You. Keep my eyes on Your glory. In Christ's name I pray pleading, Amen.

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