Bad Choices

Bad Choices

It has been one of those days again! I start praying and wanting to do the Lord's will, eat correctly and healthy but the need becomes overwhelming and I am drawn away from doing what I know is right. I tell myself, "It's OK to go to the grocery store. You really do need to buy a few things". But down underneath the "reasoning" is the real truth - I am hungry for something that will make me feel better or just "feel" or as it was today - not feel anything at all. I get to the store and I tell myself that I will just stay on the aisles that have healthy food - just get in and get out. But it never works and the rationalizing begins... "oh, it won't hurt to have just a little..."

Marie T. Freeman once said, "No matter how many books you read, no matter how many schools you attend, you're never really wise until you start making wise choices."

So once again I go to God's word... James 1:5 (above) gives me hope but verse James 1:6 says, "But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind". The Word cuts like a sharp sword - it gives me such hope and purpose but it also sends the light of truth straight through to my heart and soul. Each time it does this - each time the truth really catches me with its spotlight, I curl up in a ball in bed and cry (if I could fall to my knees I would). The light shines on my sea-sick soul today because this addiction to food is killing me. I can't keep doing this! I am diabetic and I have to get this under control. My membership with Medifast has been "frozen" because of all the tests and my lack of balance. Perhaps I need to activate it again. But I want my health to improve and it is an extreme diet.... I will ask my doctor when I see him. Being obese is not helping my health at all!

So I come to God, seeking His forgiveness, seeking His wisdom and guidance... Yahweh - the only search engine I really need in life! "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you!" Matthew 6:33

Lord, I have failed you again. I am committing suicide little by little by eating unhealthy and giving into the "hunger" that becomes my every thought - until it is met. The gratification never lasts long and I am left washed up on the sharp rocks of failure and shame. Just like the disciples at Gethsemane, I have failed to stay alert and guard against temptation. I wanted to do what was right but I was weak and so stupid. Lord how can you put up with my constant failure! I can barely stand to be around me! Please Lord help me remember your love for me ~ when I am tempted again. Help me remember Christ's living, loving, and dieing for my sins. Help me remember the joy of my salvation, my baptism, and the good things that have been given to me. Help me choose wisely as I follow in the footsteps of your only begotten Son. Like him - let me think less of myself and more of others. Keep my hands, mind, and emotions busy in the service of my Lord and King. In His name I plead, Amen.

Birth to Death

Lord, we pray for all the soldiers that are being sent around the world and that serve here at home. Please help us to remember those who gave their lives for America, even if we did not always agree on the military actions of that time in history. God, you are in control of our nation. Please guide our leaders, for without you ~ nations fall.
Today, and all weekend ~ I am so thankful for my earthly father. Everywhere he went, he put his job in the Lord's army first. He brought thousands to Christ but was a humble man. Even though he had over ten medals from various wars and won commendation after commendation - he always said it was an honor to serve his God and country ~ that he was just a soldier waiting for his next marching orders. Thank you Lord, God for examples like my Dad. We praise your name today and pray that whatever "marching orders" you send us, we will be listening for the call and be ready to serve you with all our hearts, minds, and will. In Christ, our Saviour's name, Amen.

My father was in WWII, two tours of duty in Vietnam, and served his country with destinction for over 50 years. His death last year has been difficult for me. Memorial Day, for me, has always involved the military aspect - honoring and remembering those who gave their lives for this country. This film takes a quiet moment to reflect..The melody was a nightly tune on every base that we lived on.
"Day is done, gone the sun, from the hills, from the lake, from the skies. All is well, safely rest, God is nigh. .....Go to sleep, peaceful sleep, may the soldier or sailor, God keep. On the land or the deep, safe in sleep."

Peter said, "No! Lord."

Peter Said "No"!

God had things in motion. Salvation was finally going to be sent out to Gentiles. Cornelius, a respected Roman soldier, was waiting for God to send a messenger, Peter. But when God talked to Peter in a vision, Peter said "No, Lord!" to God's command. I am sure he was very confused. God himself had given the laws about eating unclean animals but the vision was not about killing and eating animals. It was God showing Peter that the old laws were gone and the new law meant breaking bread with the "unclean" Gentiles. So even though Peter said "No, Lord!", God's plan would not be stopped.

Corrie ten Boom wrote: " Peter said, "No, Lord!" But he had to learn that one cannot say "No" while saying "Lord" and that one cannot say "Lord" while saying "No". This quote really struck me last night as I was reading a book of devotional lessons and prayers for women. Why? Because for as long as I can remember, no - was the word echoing in my mind ~ for as long as I can recall. While I was proclaiming aloud, "Yes, mam. Yes, sir." ~ the loud chiming of "NO! NO! NO!" rang in my ears, deep in my mind. The sound was deafening and it blocked me from a normal life. It blocked love from coming completely in and it blocked me from loving and trusting others freely. The knelling would start anytime relationships became close, "No one can be trusted! No, they will hurt you! No, you are not worthy of love!"

When I read the quote from Corrie ten Boom last night, I first thought about her life and how much I have respected her sacrifice over the years and how I have cherished her writings and wisdom. Even in the Nazi concentration camp, Ravensbruck, she continued to say "Yes, Lord" when she could have said no to the horror, the daily suffering, the death of loved ones.... My mind would have gone into numb mode, disassociating from reality and "No! No! No! Dear God No!" would be coming out of my heart, mind, and mouth. Then I remembered some of Corrie ten Booms other words:

"We are not called to be burden-bearers, but cross-bearers and light bearers. We must cast our burdens on the Lord."... " Worry does not enable us to escape evil; it makes us unfit to cope with it when it comes." ..." Every experience God gives us, every person he brings into our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only he can see." ...." When God allows extraordinary trials for His people, He prepares extraordinary comforts for them." " There is nothing anybody else can do that can stop God from using us. We can turn everything into a testimony."

"All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too. ...Whatever God has promised gets stamped with the Yes of Jesus. In him, this is what we preach and pray, the great Amen, God's Yes and our Yes together, gloriously evident. God affirms us, making us a sure thing in Christ, putting his Yes within us. By his Spirit he has stamped us with his eternal pledge—a sure beginning of what he is destined to complete." 2 Corinthians 1: 3-5; 20-22

Wow! These scriptures help me so much! Even though terrible things happen - things that make the heart curl up and scream "No! Please God, no!", God still counsels me with a healing affirmation and places His "Yes" within me. Now I look back at the little girl that I was, who screamed no to God. She survived, hidden away - disassociated from the harsh, real world. Yet, that little girl was stamped with Yes!

It is the eternal pledge of God that my life and my end will not be a sad, frightened "No" but a new glorious life and in the end, a last peaceful, joyous "Yes".

Lord, thank you so much for your word, your promises. Without it I would be lost and afraid every day. Forgive my lack of faith when I get caught up in the pain and horror of this earthly life. That you have provided a purpose filled life for me that is stamped with your affirming "Yes" - it is too much to take in! Thank you Lord for salvation through Christ, your Son. How can I keep from singing your praise and joining in the chorus of "Yes". Help me to focus on the "Yes" and go, like Peter, to places unfamiliar, places that might be new and a little frightening. Through Christ I make this request: keep guiding me, keep counseling me, help me see the yes and not the no.... Amen

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Cor. 3:18

Changes

Changes

New medications, more tests, changing swimming pools, starting the next round of physical therapy, roommates moving out, fostering a new stray kitten until a new owner can be found..... So many changes, so little energy!

Moving On by Mark Lopez; reading this poem I several phrases struck a cord in me because of what is happening around me this week. Lopez starts off mentioning the importance of not impeding the caterpillar on its way to becoming a butterfly. Then big change happens ... "A cocoon separates you from yourself." and this change, this morphing into something new ends with ..." an energetic disruption of things familiar....Tip your wings on gentle breeze, and soar the rising thermal of life anew." Right now my roommates are moving out, and moving on with their lives. I will miss their youth and energy a great deal. You would think after all the changes I have experienced in my life that I would be used to it all. I was a military kid, then traveled and moved around on the mission field and then all around the states again. Now I own a house but don't know if I can afford to keep it. The advertising for roommates will begin in mid-summer at the local schools and colleges. This fall I am hoping to tutor students full time from my home - filling the house with the sounds of children laughing and learning, singing and debating.

I have prayed for help and for my future... change and growing is part of that process. It just seems to be harder the older I get. So as I seek to slow my anxious thoughts and pounding heart.... I go to the Word for guidance and comfort:

"So, my very dear friends, don't get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures." James 1:16-17
"I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us." Romans 8:38-39
God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles,They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind." Isaiah 40:28-31 "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10

Lord, I am sitting in a mess of chaos again. Surrounded by boxes, people coming and going, strange voices echo in the halls as people help to move out my roommates. Lord thank you so much for providing Kate and Amanda - even if it was for a short time. They were honest, kind and I felt safe with them in the house. Lord help me to remember that You are with me and that whatever the future brings ~ You will be by my side. Forgive me when I am afraid or when I doubt your loving care for me. I am so unworthy of the matchless gift that you have given. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

The Fallen Returns

Confession ~ The Fallen Returns..

Tonight, again, I am watching the finals to The Biggest Loser on TV. For weeks I have been so depressed and felt like giving up on everything. I kept trying to count my blessings- so many tests showed nothing wrong. So when I was told that I was having seizures and that I would have to start on medication that costs $200 to $300 a month...well, I gave up! For over 4 weeks - I just gave up! Everyday I prayed and thanked God for a new day of life but when I started eating - starting at breakfast .... I did not stop eating until bedtime. I have gained 18 lbs of 45lbs that I had lost!
When I see the amazing weight loss of those on TV... I get even more discouraged. The Lord is on my side! How can I not be a "winner". But then I have to remind myself that life is not a competition and I should not compare myself to anyone else. God does not compare me to anyone else. I am unique and His treasure, His creation. My soul will stand alone before the throne of God to be judged. I am responsible for my life, my sins, ....tonight - I come before Him once again confessing my sins, my addiction to food, and my fears, my lack of faith in God's love.

So, once again, I write this entry as part of a journal, searching every day for the Way to turn hunger and thirst for love into a spiritual feast that replaces emotional eating habits. The days that I write in the online journal - those days and those blog entries are testimony, not of my success, but of God's guidance in my life and His love for me. So I go back and read the entries, read the scriptures that got me through a difficult day. I listen to the songs that helped me through temptation before. Journaling is so helpful as a tool to understanding why I eat, to see what my true weaknesses are, my triggers.

God's words continue to guide me - today, about temptation, confession, and that God is in control. Here are some basic thoughts the scriptures that support those thoughts:

Jesus is my Lord. The devil has no power over me. (Matthew 28:18; Colossians 1:13); In Jesus’ name I can block satan from controlling my life and forbid him from bothering me in any way. (Mark 16:17; James 4:7); No weapon formed against me shall prosper. (Isaiah 54:17); I fear no evil for You are with me Lord. (Psalm 23:4); Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. (1 John 4:4); Christ has set me free from the curse of sin and death. By His wounds, I have been healed. (Galatians 3:13; 1 Peter 2:24); The Lord is my Shepherd. I do not lack. (Psalm 23:1); My God is supplying all I need. (Philippians 4:19); I am a child of Almighty God. He loves me and takes good care of me. (Matthew 6:32-33; 7:11); The Lord is my Helper. I will not be afraid. (Hebrews 13:6); I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13); All things are possible to me. I have faith so nothing is impossible. (Matthew 17:20; Mark 9:23); I am a forgiver. I am patient and kind. I walk in love. (1 Corinthians 13, Romans 5:5); Jesus has become my wisdom. (1 Corinthians 1:30); I have the mind of Christ. (Philippians 2:5); The Spirit of truth lives in me and teaches me all things. He guides me into all truth. (John 14:26; 16:13); The Lord gives me wisdom and understanding. (Proverbs 2:6); God is for me. (Psalm 56:9).

Lord, thank you for your wonderful love and the ultimate gift of love, your forgiveness due to Christ's sacrifice on the cross, for my sins. It is only through the cleansing power of that blood, that I can walk in your holy, presence and talk to you justified ~ Just as if I'd never sinned against you. Glory to your holy name! Lord, I am so weak and pain makes it difficult to think straight. Now they want to add a medication that will make me dizzy, weaker, and sleepy. I am worried and heartsick. Help me to focus on You and Your love for me. God help me to love you with a pure heart and rejoice in your truth, your word to me. Help me trust in you for everything. Lord, pain and illness isolates me so often. Please help me find ways to reach out to others and love them, just as you loved me. I pray this prayer in Christ's name, Amen.