Life involves risk. To stay at home and do nothing because you are afraid of the risk, afraid of the pain means living a life that stifles God's sacrifice. I am trying to focus on God's love as I step out into new experiences and new trials. Every time I stand up ~ I am afraid that I will fall down. I have no feeling in my left leg and it is a very insecure feeling to step out hoping that I will not catch my toe on something or trip and fall again. Falling is not an option with all my replacement joints - but staying in bed, afraid, is not an option either! So I step out on faith - literally every day, every step. This film inspires me:
The end of 2009 draws closer. This week I have been trying to go through my father's personal papers - boxes and boxes. There were birth certificates and death certificates from relatives that I never met; pictures and letters from people who knew my parents or my grandparents but these things mean nothing to anyone who is living now. So I am left exhausted again and the urge to eat overtakes me. I have to stop and try to figure out what is causing this "hunger". I think it is the sense of my own mortality. Also - I have very little family left. My extended family (that are still alive) are strangers to me or they are either crazy, religious Pharisees, or non-christians. Every time I have contact with them, I make the effort to connect but we just don't have anything in common and I find it difficult when they buy into the disfunctional family system and the lies told about the abusers in the family. The wall of denial that they put up when I am around seems to be impossible to cross. So I am left with no family to visit during the holidays. The only reason I saw my niece and nephew, my brother and sister was because they visited my father when I was there taking care of him. Now that the inheritance has been dispersed ~ the only contact from them is when they email or call to ask, "Isn't there more?" Their greed and accusations hurt and anger me greatly. The lies continue to be spread around the family that is left- that I spent money on myself when I was in charge as my father's power of attorney and even now after his death as the trustee of his trust. They were not around to take care of my father so it was either hire caregivers or do the work myself. I have not paid back evil with evil and I have tried to "turn the other cheek", explain calmly but they continue to believe lies. I know that the greed and lies in my family system are smokescreens for the sins and secrets that the family wants to hide from. So they look for a scap goat. There is great evil at work in that family system; suicides abound in each generation and nothing gets better - just worse. So today - with all of this - I want to stuff the loneliness, the anger, the disappointment, my personal insecurities about growing older - with eating and more eating. Christmas candy is on sale for 50% off! Then there is the fact that my birthday is in December. So with all this sadness weighing on my heart causing a black hole of hunger... I go to the only place where the truth can be found ~ to the scriptures:
Psalm 90:10and then I read another passage: "By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return." Gen. 3:19Whoa! Not a very encouraging thought... but as Paul Harvey used to say: "And now for the rest of the story".From Genesis on ~ every birth comes with Satan's deliberate signature of death written across our souls. I have to face it - I am destined to die. The older I get, the faster the years seem to fly and every month I am hearing of the death of someone that is my age or older. It is human nature to do anything to escape the tick, tock of my own doom's day clock - even as I mark my mortality with yearly celebrations such as birthdays. The rest of the story is: Christ is waiting to place his signature of life on my soul chained by death's chiming. Christ's signature erases Satan's handwriting. To get His signature, there are no long lines, no game levels to conquer, no payments and no one can stop Him from writing His name on my heart - no lies told by family can take it away. He gives His signature freely. He writes the signature with His own blood and grants never ending life stamped with God's own spirit. Am I ever glad that I went to His word today to help with my depression, my fears, my anger, my sorrows! Did it help with the eating and hunger? Yes, today it did! I passed by the aisles of candy and got some bottled water instead. I could not have done it without God filling my life, placing in my mind and heart His love, His healing balm. Thank heaven that my sins have been forgiven so that God can touch my life today and fill my every day with His glory. What do I need that the Lord has not already provided? "Don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or if the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your inner life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the ravens, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, carefree in the care of God. And you count far more. ...People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself. " Luke 12
Lord God, thank you for helping though another very rough day! Lord watch over those members of my family and guide them to the truth. Help them to overcome their greed. Lord, let me go to your word which continually reminds me that no scheme of man can pluck me from Your hand. Lord, give me patience and love and help me to know what to do when it comes to my family. I have tried all my life to open their eyes to the truth but they are floating around in a grey mist trying to deflect the truth of abuse with secrecy and lies. If it is Your will that I keep on trying, please guide me in that direction and give me the strength to once more take the abuse, the slander, and the pain that comes with it. It hurts so much Lord, and it opens the memories and wounds of physical, sexual, verbal, and mental abuse. Lord thank you for your promise of eternal life with You. Without that vision, I would perish. Thank you for giving me all I need. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.
It is one of those days. Nothing seems to keep me from the need to binge. As Christmas approaches, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups dance in my head ~ day and night. What is wrong with me? Well, I know that there is a great deal of emotional stress with this holiday season. It is the first one since my dad's death. I need something to fill in the empty void. I need something to block the feelings that hurt too much. Food has always been my answer.
With God's help and guidance, I have been loosing weight. However, as the holiday season approached, I have become depressed, lost, and failing again when it comes to staying on a diet. I am once again shipwrecked on an island of despair and surrounded by unhealthy "saltwater" to drink. That is all I see! The more you drink saltwater to stop the thirst - the thirstier you get. For me it is not really saltwater - it is sweets. I get so filled with sorrow, memories that are painful, and compulsive thoughts that race around in my head - that I need something else to replace those things. So I fill up on sweets. But like saltwater - one piece of candy is not enough.
I know what I have to do ~ Go to God and His word to fill me up, to replace the need for sweets. Matthew 5:6 says:"Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled." NKJV I really like the Message version of this passage:"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink is the best meal you'll ever eat."
I find it easy to "hunger and thirst for righteousness" and I do have an appetite for God and His love. However, I think there is another step in this process that I do not find easy. I must continually empty myself first before I can be "filled" with His glory. That emptying process is constant and it is very difficult. Sometimes I want to keep what I am used to: abuse, failure, sorrow, scars, and chaos. I must remember the salvation of the Lord. "It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful. If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken."2 Cor. 4:6-11(Message) So my prayer again today ~ my longing is to be emptied of self; of past abuse, failures, and chaos. Only then can I be filled with God's light and love. I know that if I can do that - I will not be hungry and thirsty again.
Lord God, have mercy on me today! I am caught in a web of poor eating habits and I am trying to break free. Please help me to empty myself of pride, of self, and yes, help me to leave behind the abused little girl. Fill me with your hope and love so that I can set my feet forward on the road to success, when it comes to controlling my eating. You are worthy to be praised for eternity and it is my desire to spend my life singing your praises and spreading the good news of your loving grace. Through Jesus' name, I make this petition, Amen.
One of my favorite movies is Contact, taken from the novel by Carl Sagan. Ellie is an orphan who believes only what she can prove scientifically. In the end she has an experience that changes her into a person of faith, believing what she cannot prove. In the end she says, ""For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love" . Some people are afraid of vast places, big sky country, or staring down from high places. I understand these fears. For me it is heights that make my knees weak. Also when I am driving on an interstate and it spreads out to four or five lanes on each side. Perhaps it is the fear of losing control because there are too many lanes and cars to watch. I am not sure. Playing soothing music - such as instrumental hymns helps me slow my heart rate down. I pray for my safety and for the safety of others around me and try to breath and let God be in control. God has given me control of a car but I still have fear. Humans have made so many things to make our labors lighter and faster. Perhaps our fears have to do with putting trust in our own creations or putting trust in ourselves.
I feel the closest to God when I am in big sky country, with the stars spanning the skies - hugging me all around. I guess we all have our times where the vastness is unbearable or times and places where the vastness is not only bearable but peaceful and reassuring.
Psalm 8 says that we have been created to control many things on this earth but I guess the key is to know that it is God who created everything and controls everything ~ and everyone.
"Lord our Lord, your name is the most wonderful name in all the earth! It brings you praise in heaven above. ....I look at your heavens, which you made with your fingers. I see the moon and stars, which you created. But why are people even important to you? Why do you take care of human beings? You made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor. You put them in charge of everything you made. You put all things under their control: all the sheep, the cattle, and the wild animals, the birds in the sky, the fish in the sea, and everything that lives under water. Lord our Lord, your name is the most wonderful name in all the earth! " Psalm 8
Lord God, I am so unworthy to be called your child, your creation. I do not honor your creation sometimes and race forward through the day until I am tired and full of fear. I try to cope by eating, and like a car that is out of control on the interstate - my life once again, feels out of control. The more I get out into the world to do your work, the more I am tempted to do things using my own power and reasoning. This only causes me to fail more. Please Lord, help me to start each task with the goal of glorifying you only. I need your love more than anything else. Thank you for showing me that love in the life, death, and resurrection of your perfect Lamb, your Son. Your name is truly wonderful! Through Jesus name I pray today, Amen.
Magnify Christ Someone once said: "There is no way of telling the amount of good we could do if we didn't care who gets the credit." The movies, TV shows, and the world in general is a competitive battle ground. People "take sides" about every issue and the competitive spirit is honored and encouraged beginning with toddlers and pre-schoolers. Even at the Medifast clinic pictures and pounds lost are posted, with the "biggest loser" for the week spotlighted. I have been down that road so many times. If my motivation comes from a competitive spirit - my weight loss will fail in the end. One of the winners of "The Biggest Loser" gained back almost 200 pounds! Why? Because competition is not a lasting motivator or the answer to filling the void in someone's life. Someone asked me why I don't put my name in this blog, post the pictures of my weightloss. The purpose of this blog is to document my search. I am writing down my journey to the wellspring that quenches my thirst, the only place where my hunger can be filled. Even though I am placing personal thoughts and experiences down - they are flawed, inconsistent ramblings of someone searching for a daily answer. Any time I place my picture displaying my weightloss progress up for people to see - it is followed by a spell of overeating. That is because all glory, all honor has to be Christ's - not mine.
Over and over again throughout the Bible - God gets the glory - not people. 2 Peter 3:18, "grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever!" God and Christ get the glory, they are the winners - not people, not Christians. I am just a "cracked, dirty pot" that has been cleansed. Anything that is good that I do, any success - is Christ in me. That is hard to remember when the world has an "us versus they" attitude. So I go back to the scriptures to help me fight the influence of the world. Romans 15 Paul talks about success in bringing the Word of God to unbelievers: "Looking back over what has been accomplished and what I have observed, I must say I am most pleased—in the context of Jesus, I'd even say proud, but only in that context. I have no interest in giving you a chatty account of my adventures, only the wondrously powerful and transformingly present words and deeds of Christ in me that triggered a believing response among the outsiders." (The Message) So that is the answer to weight loss.... the "powerful and transformingly present words and deeds of Christ" - The words and deeds of Christ magnified in me = the only success that has meaning or substance. Everything else leaves a void and that leads to more uncontrollable hunger and thirst.
Dear Lord, help me today to be encouraged by the zeal and success in others. Transform my competitive spirit, my inclination to outdo others. Help me to focus on the power of true success ~ Christ in me. Transform me today and everyday and may any success magnify God's glory and diminish my part, my efforts. I am just an earthen vessel begging to be filled with Your power. I don't deserve Your love and mercy. I do want to lose weight so much but I keep trying to do it to please others or myself. I know that is the way of failure. I can only succeed with Your help and if it is Your will for me on this earth. It is in the name of Your glorious Son that I come to you today in prayer, Amen.
How wonderful it must have been to walk with Jesus on this earth, to hear Him answer the Pharasees, to see Him raise the dead! He took the nightmare life that the Jews were living day by day, under the Roman's harsh rule and he awoke the dream of the Kingdom of Heaven that was prophesied. Then the dream turned to nightmare again when Jesus was betrayed, beaten, humiliated, taken before unjust people for a verdict of death, and then killed on a cross. Dawn did not help the followers of Jesus as they huddled around His body and then His tomb. It just brought to light the helplessness of man, the cruel life of slavery to harsh task masters and governments. Then the sun's rays slowly probed the inside of the tomb. The dream was alive, Christ had risen!
"A week later the followers were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. The doors were locked, but Jesus came in and stood right in the middle of them. He said, "Peace be with you." Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here, and look at my hands. Put your hand here in my side. Stop being an unbeliever and believe."Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!" Then Jesus told him, "You believe because you see me. Those who believe without seeing me will be truly blessed." John 20:26-29
So I am the one left behind without "seeing". With each new dawn, I begin a new day again filled with hope because Jesus is alive. He is alive in my heart, alive to turn my failures into success.
Lord God, thank you for the awesome gift of love and sacrifice! For Christ, to come to earth and live as a human and be tempted like me is so hard to believe. Who could possibly love me that much? Lord, help me to accept Your love with open arms. Forgive me of my sins, my failures because they keep me from seeing your glory, your gift of love. As I start today, trying once again to control my eating and trying to fight off the temptation to run toward food so that I can "feel good" ~ please Lord, remind me again of your love for me. Help me to remember the risen Savior who died for me. Through His name I pray today, Amen.
Have you ever felt invisible? There are times when I feel like people don't see me - the real me. There are many times when obesity = invisibility. Those people who do look at me for just a second and then quickly look away are probably thinking, "Boy, I'm glad I don't look like that!" I sat in the back of many a church assembly and watched people greet and visit members and guests around them. What I have noticed and what research shows, people gravitate toward physically attractive people. Those that are obese but dress to the nines and are cheerful are included more readily. For those of us who are obese the following facts and examples hit too close to home:
"Clear discrimination against overweight people has been documented in three areas: education, health care, and employment. The reason for this appears to be very strong anti-fat attitudes. For example, 28% of teachers in one study said that becoming obese is the worst thing that can happen to a person; 24% of nurses said they are 'repulsed' by obese persons; and, controlling for income and grades, parents provide less college support for their overweight children than for their thin children. "(from Stigma and Discrimination in Weight Loss Management by Dr. Kelly Brownell) http://naafaonline.com%20(the/ following links are film clips of two models that dressed as size 22 women and how they were treated. Clip #1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE1Z-si4skY Clip #2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2SBKdik_gc Clip #3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3X031RoEZvw )
Why do I bring all this up? Several reasons. Today I was sitting in services next to someone larger than myself and I was wishing that I was somewhere else. I wanted to be included in the crowds of people who were "seen". I wanted to distance myself from those that were obese and even from myself - distance myself from my own body. Then I remembered the parable of the Samaritan. "When he saw the man's condition, his heart went out to him". The priest and the Levite "saw" the man but did nothing - the injured man was invisible. The hero of this story was considered unclean, unredeemable, and despised by the Jews who were hearing the story. Jesus taught compassion and humility by making the hero of the story someone who knew what it felt like to feel invisible.
Where do I see myself in this story? I am the person beaten and left for dead in my sin, confusion, and despair. However, as the Lord has lifted me up, starting the healing process, and given me some success with weightloss - every once in a while, I also see myself as someone who wants to travel on the other side of the path from the abused and beaten; someone who wants to walk with the "normal looking" crowd, say a quick hello and then run past the complex, time consuming problems of the invisible obese, elderly, poor, or downtrodden in the congregation. When I feel this way, I give myself a good kick and remember that God saw me when I was down and out. He loved and accepted me ~ as I was ~ obese and discouraged. I pray that I can get past this fog of sin and disfunctional way of seeing the world and love myself and others as He loved me. I Cor. 13:12 "We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!"
Sarah said in Gen. 16, "
You're the God who sees me! "Yes! He saw me; and then I saw him!"
"We love each other because He first loved us"
I John 4:19.
Dear Lord, Please help me today to trust in You for my deliverance from obesity. I know that I cannot loose weight without your help. There are too many failures weighing me down and I am so used to the ditch where life has left me to cry in pain. You are my only help Lord! You have forgiven my sins, washed me white as snow, and now it is my turn to help others. Lord forgive me when I am drawn to the "in" crowd and walk past those who need your love the most. Lord help me walk in Your light and guide me on the path of life. In the name of Christ, the Light of the World, I pray ~ Amen.
