Life involves risk. To stay at home and do nothing because you are afraid of the risk, afraid of the pain means living a life that stifles God's sacrifice. I am trying to focus on God's love as I step out into new experiences and new trials. Every time I stand up ~ I am afraid that I will fall down. I have no feeling in my left leg and it is a very insecure feeling to step out hoping that I will not catch my toe on something or trip and fall again. Falling is not an option with all my replacement joints - but staying in bed, afraid, is not an option either! So I step out on faith - literally every day, every step. This film inspires me:
The end of 2009 draws closer. This week I have been trying to go through my father's personal papers - boxes and boxes. There were birth certificates and death certificates from relatives that I never met; pictures and letters from people who knew my parents or my grandparents but these things mean nothing to anyone who is living now. So I am left exhausted again and the urge to eat overtakes me. I have to stop and try to figure out what is causing this "hunger". I think it is the sense of my own mortality. Also - I have very little family left. My extended family (that are still alive) are strangers to me or they are either crazy, religious Pharisees, or non-christians. Every time I have contact with them, I make the effort to connect but we just don't have anything in common and I find it difficult when they buy into the disfunctional family system and the lies told about the abusers in the family. The wall of denial that they put up when I am around seems to be impossible to cross. So I am left with no family to visit during the holidays. The only reason I saw my niece and nephew, my brother and sister was because they visited my father when I was there taking care of him. Now that the inheritance has been dispersed ~ the only contact from them is when they email or call to ask, "Isn't there more?" Their greed and accusations hurt and anger me greatly. The lies continue to be spread around the family that is left- that I spent money on myself when I was in charge as my father's power of attorney and even now after his death as the trustee of his trust. They were not around to take care of my father so it was either hire caregivers or do the work myself. I have not paid back evil with evil and I have tried to "turn the other cheek", explain calmly but they continue to believe lies. I know that the greed and lies in my family system are smokescreens for the sins and secrets that the family wants to hide from. So they look for a scap goat. There is great evil at work in that family system; suicides abound in each generation and nothing gets better - just worse. So today - with all of this - I want to stuff the loneliness, the anger, the disappointment, my personal insecurities about growing older - with eating and more eating. Christmas candy is on sale for 50% off! Then there is the fact that my birthday is in December. So with all this sadness weighing on my heart causing a black hole of hunger... I go to the only place where the truth can be found ~ to the scriptures:
Psalm 90:10and then I read another passage: "By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return." Gen. 3:19Whoa! Not a very encouraging thought... but as Paul Harvey used to say: "And now for the rest of the story".From Genesis on ~ every birth comes with Satan's deliberate signature of death written across our souls. I have to face it - I am destined to die. The older I get, the faster the years seem to fly and every month I am hearing of the death of someone that is my age or older. It is human nature to do anything to escape the tick, tock of my own doom's day clock - even as I mark my mortality with yearly celebrations such as birthdays. The rest of the story is: Christ is waiting to place his signature of life on my soul chained by death's chiming. Christ's signature erases Satan's handwriting. To get His signature, there are no long lines, no game levels to conquer, no payments and no one can stop Him from writing His name on my heart - no lies told by family can take it away. He gives His signature freely. He writes the signature with His own blood and grants never ending life stamped with God's own spirit. Am I ever glad that I went to His word today to help with my depression, my fears, my anger, my sorrows! Did it help with the eating and hunger? Yes, today it did! I passed by the aisles of candy and got some bottled water instead. I could not have done it without God filling my life, placing in my mind and heart His love, His healing balm. Thank heaven that my sins have been forgiven so that God can touch my life today and fill my every day with His glory. What do I need that the Lord has not already provided? "Don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or if the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your inner life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the ravens, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, carefree in the care of God. And you count far more. ...People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself. " Luke 12
Lord God, thank you for helping though another very rough day! Lord watch over those members of my family and guide them to the truth. Help them to overcome their greed. Lord, let me go to your word which continually reminds me that no scheme of man can pluck me from Your hand. Lord, give me patience and love and help me to know what to do when it comes to my family. I have tried all my life to open their eyes to the truth but they are floating around in a grey mist trying to deflect the truth of abuse with secrecy and lies. If it is Your will that I keep on trying, please guide me in that direction and give me the strength to once more take the abuse, the slander, and the pain that comes with it. It hurts so much Lord, and it opens the memories and wounds of physical, sexual, verbal, and mental abuse. Lord thank you for your promise of eternal life with You. Without that vision, I would perish. Thank you for giving me all I need. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.
It is one of those days. Nothing seems to keep me from the need to binge. As Christmas approaches, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups dance in my head ~ day and night. What is wrong with me? Well, I know that there is a great deal of emotional stress with this holiday season. It is the first one since my dad's death. I need something to fill in the empty void. I need something to block the feelings that hurt too much. Food has always been my answer.
With God's help and guidance, I have been loosing weight. However, as the holiday season approached, I have become depressed, lost, and failing again when it comes to staying on a diet. I am once again shipwrecked on an island of despair and surrounded by unhealthy "saltwater" to drink. That is all I see! The more you drink saltwater to stop the thirst - the thirstier you get. For me it is not really saltwater - it is sweets. I get so filled with sorrow, memories that are painful, and compulsive thoughts that race around in my head - that I need something else to replace those things. So I fill up on sweets. But like saltwater - one piece of candy is not enough.
I know what I have to do ~ Go to God and His word to fill me up, to replace the need for sweets. Matthew 5:6 says:"Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled." NKJV I really like the Message version of this passage:"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink is the best meal you'll ever eat."
I find it easy to "hunger and thirst for righteousness" and I do have an appetite for God and His love. However, I think there is another step in this process that I do not find easy. I must continually empty myself first before I can be "filled" with His glory. That emptying process is constant and it is very difficult. Sometimes I want to keep what I am used to: abuse, failure, sorrow, scars, and chaos. I must remember the salvation of the Lord. "It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful. If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken."2 Cor. 4:6-11(Message) So my prayer again today ~ my longing is to be emptied of self; of past abuse, failures, and chaos. Only then can I be filled with God's light and love. I know that if I can do that - I will not be hungry and thirsty again.
Lord God, have mercy on me today! I am caught in a web of poor eating habits and I am trying to break free. Please help me to empty myself of pride, of self, and yes, help me to leave behind the abused little girl. Fill me with your hope and love so that I can set my feet forward on the road to success, when it comes to controlling my eating. You are worthy to be praised for eternity and it is my desire to spend my life singing your praises and spreading the good news of your loving grace. Through Jesus' name, I make this petition, Amen.
One of my favorite movies is Contact, taken from the novel by Carl Sagan. Ellie is an orphan who believes only what she can prove scientifically. In the end she has an experience that changes her into a person of faith, believing what she cannot prove. In the end she says, ""For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love" . Some people are afraid of vast places, big sky country, or staring down from high places. I understand these fears. For me it is heights that make my knees weak. Also when I am driving on an interstate and it spreads out to four or five lanes on each side. Perhaps it is the fear of losing control because there are too many lanes and cars to watch. I am not sure. Playing soothing music - such as instrumental hymns helps me slow my heart rate down. I pray for my safety and for the safety of others around me and try to breath and let God be in control. God has given me control of a car but I still have fear. Humans have made so many things to make our labors lighter and faster. Perhaps our fears have to do with putting trust in our own creations or putting trust in ourselves.
I feel the closest to God when I am in big sky country, with the stars spanning the skies - hugging me all around. I guess we all have our times where the vastness is unbearable or times and places where the vastness is not only bearable but peaceful and reassuring.
Psalm 8 says that we have been created to control many things on this earth but I guess the key is to know that it is God who created everything and controls everything ~ and everyone.
"Lord our Lord, your name is the most wonderful name in all the earth! It brings you praise in heaven above. ....I look at your heavens, which you made with your fingers. I see the moon and stars, which you created. But why are people even important to you? Why do you take care of human beings? You made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor. You put them in charge of everything you made. You put all things under their control: all the sheep, the cattle, and the wild animals, the birds in the sky, the fish in the sea, and everything that lives under water. Lord our Lord, your name is the most wonderful name in all the earth! " Psalm 8
Lord God, I am so unworthy to be called your child, your creation. I do not honor your creation sometimes and race forward through the day until I am tired and full of fear. I try to cope by eating, and like a car that is out of control on the interstate - my life once again, feels out of control. The more I get out into the world to do your work, the more I am tempted to do things using my own power and reasoning. This only causes me to fail more. Please Lord, help me to start each task with the goal of glorifying you only. I need your love more than anything else. Thank you for showing me that love in the life, death, and resurrection of your perfect Lamb, your Son. Your name is truly wonderful! Through Jesus name I pray today, Amen.
Magnify Christ Someone once said: "There is no way of telling the amount of good we could do if we didn't care who gets the credit." The movies, TV shows, and the world in general is a competitive battle ground. People "take sides" about every issue and the competitive spirit is honored and encouraged beginning with toddlers and pre-schoolers. Even at the Medifast clinic pictures and pounds lost are posted, with the "biggest loser" for the week spotlighted. I have been down that road so many times. If my motivation comes from a competitive spirit - my weight loss will fail in the end. One of the winners of "The Biggest Loser" gained back almost 200 pounds! Why? Because competition is not a lasting motivator or the answer to filling the void in someone's life. Someone asked me why I don't put my name in this blog, post the pictures of my weightloss. The purpose of this blog is to document my search. I am writing down my journey to the wellspring that quenches my thirst, the only place where my hunger can be filled. Even though I am placing personal thoughts and experiences down - they are flawed, inconsistent ramblings of someone searching for a daily answer. Any time I place my picture displaying my weightloss progress up for people to see - it is followed by a spell of overeating. That is because all glory, all honor has to be Christ's - not mine.
Over and over again throughout the Bible - God gets the glory - not people. 2 Peter 3:18, "grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever!" God and Christ get the glory, they are the winners - not people, not Christians. I am just a "cracked, dirty pot" that has been cleansed. Anything that is good that I do, any success - is Christ in me. That is hard to remember when the world has an "us versus they" attitude. So I go back to the scriptures to help me fight the influence of the world. Romans 15 Paul talks about success in bringing the Word of God to unbelievers: "Looking back over what has been accomplished and what I have observed, I must say I am most pleased—in the context of Jesus, I'd even say proud, but only in that context. I have no interest in giving you a chatty account of my adventures, only the wondrously powerful and transformingly present words and deeds of Christ in me that triggered a believing response among the outsiders." (The Message) So that is the answer to weight loss.... the "powerful and transformingly present words and deeds of Christ" - The words and deeds of Christ magnified in me = the only success that has meaning or substance. Everything else leaves a void and that leads to more uncontrollable hunger and thirst.
Dear Lord, help me today to be encouraged by the zeal and success in others. Transform my competitive spirit, my inclination to outdo others. Help me to focus on the power of true success ~ Christ in me. Transform me today and everyday and may any success magnify God's glory and diminish my part, my efforts. I am just an earthen vessel begging to be filled with Your power. I don't deserve Your love and mercy. I do want to lose weight so much but I keep trying to do it to please others or myself. I know that is the way of failure. I can only succeed with Your help and if it is Your will for me on this earth. It is in the name of Your glorious Son that I come to you today in prayer, Amen.
How wonderful it must have been to walk with Jesus on this earth, to hear Him answer the Pharasees, to see Him raise the dead! He took the nightmare life that the Jews were living day by day, under the Roman's harsh rule and he awoke the dream of the Kingdom of Heaven that was prophesied. Then the dream turned to nightmare again when Jesus was betrayed, beaten, humiliated, taken before unjust people for a verdict of death, and then killed on a cross. Dawn did not help the followers of Jesus as they huddled around His body and then His tomb. It just brought to light the helplessness of man, the cruel life of slavery to harsh task masters and governments. Then the sun's rays slowly probed the inside of the tomb. The dream was alive, Christ had risen!
"A week later the followers were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. The doors were locked, but Jesus came in and stood right in the middle of them. He said, "Peace be with you." Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here, and look at my hands. Put your hand here in my side. Stop being an unbeliever and believe."Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!" Then Jesus told him, "You believe because you see me. Those who believe without seeing me will be truly blessed." John 20:26-29
So I am the one left behind without "seeing". With each new dawn, I begin a new day again filled with hope because Jesus is alive. He is alive in my heart, alive to turn my failures into success.
Lord God, thank you for the awesome gift of love and sacrifice! For Christ, to come to earth and live as a human and be tempted like me is so hard to believe. Who could possibly love me that much? Lord, help me to accept Your love with open arms. Forgive me of my sins, my failures because they keep me from seeing your glory, your gift of love. As I start today, trying once again to control my eating and trying to fight off the temptation to run toward food so that I can "feel good" ~ please Lord, remind me again of your love for me. Help me to remember the risen Savior who died for me. Through His name I pray today, Amen.
Have you ever felt invisible? There are times when I feel like people don't see me - the real me. There are many times when obesity = invisibility. Those people who do look at me for just a second and then quickly look away are probably thinking, "Boy, I'm glad I don't look like that!" I sat in the back of many a church assembly and watched people greet and visit members and guests around them. What I have noticed and what research shows, people gravitate toward physically attractive people. Those that are obese but dress to the nines and are cheerful are included more readily. For those of us who are obese the following facts and examples hit too close to home:
"Clear discrimination against overweight people has been documented in three areas: education, health care, and employment. The reason for this appears to be very strong anti-fat attitudes. For example, 28% of teachers in one study said that becoming obese is the worst thing that can happen to a person; 24% of nurses said they are 'repulsed' by obese persons; and, controlling for income and grades, parents provide less college support for their overweight children than for their thin children. "(from Stigma and Discrimination in Weight Loss Management by Dr. Kelly Brownell) http://naafaonline.com%20(the/ following links are film clips of two models that dressed as size 22 women and how they were treated. Clip #1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE1Z-si4skY Clip #2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2SBKdik_gc Clip #3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3X031RoEZvw )
Why do I bring all this up? Several reasons. Today I was sitting in services next to someone larger than myself and I was wishing that I was somewhere else. I wanted to be included in the crowds of people who were "seen". I wanted to distance myself from those that were obese and even from myself - distance myself from my own body. Then I remembered the parable of the Samaritan. "When he saw the man's condition, his heart went out to him". The priest and the Levite "saw" the man but did nothing - the injured man was invisible. The hero of this story was considered unclean, unredeemable, and despised by the Jews who were hearing the story. Jesus taught compassion and humility by making the hero of the story someone who knew what it felt like to feel invisible.
Where do I see myself in this story? I am the person beaten and left for dead in my sin, confusion, and despair. However, as the Lord has lifted me up, starting the healing process, and given me some success with weightloss - every once in a while, I also see myself as someone who wants to travel on the other side of the path from the abused and beaten; someone who wants to walk with the "normal looking" crowd, say a quick hello and then run past the complex, time consuming problems of the invisible obese, elderly, poor, or downtrodden in the congregation. When I feel this way, I give myself a good kick and remember that God saw me when I was down and out. He loved and accepted me ~ as I was ~ obese and discouraged. I pray that I can get past this fog of sin and disfunctional way of seeing the world and love myself and others as He loved me. I Cor. 13:12 "We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!"
Sarah said in Gen. 16, "
You're the God who sees me! "Yes! He saw me; and then I saw him!"
"We love each other because He first loved us"
I John 4:19.
Dear Lord, Please help me today to trust in You for my deliverance from obesity. I know that I cannot loose weight without your help. There are too many failures weighing me down and I am so used to the ditch where life has left me to cry in pain. You are my only help Lord! You have forgiven my sins, washed me white as snow, and now it is my turn to help others. Lord forgive me when I am drawn to the "in" crowd and walk past those who need your love the most. Lord help me walk in Your light and guide me on the path of life. In the name of Christ, the Light of the World, I pray ~ Amen.
John 12:46: "I am Light that has come into the world so that all who believe in me won't have to stay any longer in the dark." It has been said that darkness conceals reality but lightness exposes it. I am finding that exposing my life to "reality" or living each moment "real" is painful, exhausting work! I find myself needing to numb the pain with eating and when that does not work - eating again. The true reality is that there is no hope, no life in the darkness of my old habits. The only hope I have is through Jesus, the light of the world.
Psalm 80's refrain: "Restore us, O God of hosts; let your face shine, that we may be saved!" Jesus was the Light of the world and I can't move forward and conquer my old life of sin, of over eating and pain - I can't do it without Jesus lighting the way. John 1:4-5: "The Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone.5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it."
C.S. Lewis wrote an allegory ~ The Great Divorce. It is about the choices people make which ultimately mean heaven or hell. "Will you come with me to the mountains? It will hurt at first, until your feet are hardened. Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows." The person that was asked this question in the book wanted "assurances or guarantees". As the journey led to the mountain, the blades of grass were so beautiful that they were sharp like shards of glass, the sound of singing was so beautiful that it hurt the ears of those that were not used to it. Others ghosts wanted to go back to a dark, "safe" place where the painful light and sounds were muted. They had a choice of spending eternity praising God and basking in the glorious light or going back to the "controlled" sinful habits that they were used to. Some actually said, "Who wants to be rescued?" They did not desire it if it meant leaving their lives behind. One artist asked where all the distinguised people were. The answer was:"Don't you understand? The Glory flows into everyone, and back from everyone: like light and mirrors.
But the Light's the important thing."
Lord, illuminate my life with your unquenchable love and hope. Help me to focus on your light because all darkness and fear flees when your light shines on my heart. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.
I.G.S. = Immediate Gratification Syndrome. "This is a psychological state of mind that plagues us with the thought of living for today and for the moment. It causes us to do what we want instead of what we need. " As I am being healed of this "disorder" I find it difficult filling in the void. There is more time to think and feel and I find that I am almost desperate to stay busy, feel connected to something, to fill the void that I.G.S. left behind.
"Take food: those of us with eating issues always look at the “normies” and think how can they eat that and not think about it? Or not plan everything? or obsess? or count? I don't get how food isn't a big deal to them. It’s because food isn’t filling a void for them. It’s not a I MUST HAVE THAT NOW kind of thing. To normies, hunger is a gentle nudge saying “hey, you are low on fuel, you should probably eat soon,” and they go about their merry way until its convenient to eat. ....Its all about immediate gratification. People with food issues use food to fill some void, and when the slightest hint of a trigger arises, you need to fix it NOW......THAT’S how you know if you have issues with food. If you need food so intensely at any given moment, out of no where, whether you are hungry, anxious, sad, lonely, happy- anything, and you cant think about anything else until you get it (or deprive yourself of it, in an anorexic’s case) you are abusing food. Its like a drug fix- you cant think of anything else until you get that hit" posting by Kelly at http://www.wellsphere.com/home.s
As a teacher, my job gave me instant, immediate gratification. Every few minutes - students got it ~ there were "light bulb" moments every 20 to 30 minutes. Sometimes it was like fireworks! I love that part of the job. Then you drive away with papers to grade, lessons to plan, and the need for food becomes overwhelming. Eating would start ~ sometimes on the way home and continue until I would fall asleep.
When I became disabled, on my last day at school - I received a call from my Dad's caregiver that they were heading to the hospital. From Spring until mid-October, dealing with Hospice, death, trusts, estate sales, and family members has filled my time completely. When there was a down time - I would eat. In desperation I started the Medifast program in early September because, in that program, there were few choices to be made - just eat their foods, drink their shake and eat one meal. That has worked great until the last two weeks. Now everything has settled down and I am retired with lots of time on my hands. I find that I am back to thinking about eating or desperately rushing around trying to fill in the void. I don't want to rush into "works" just to keep busy. I want to be guided by the Lord and figure out what He wants me to do with my life. Like many people today - I am out of work and wondering what to do next with my life.
I found an example of someone desperate ~ David's need for immediate help, his plea is my plea also:
"But I've lost it. I'm wasted. God—quickly, quickly! Quick to my side, quick to my rescue! God, don't lose a minute. " Psalm 70:5 (The Message)
Same verse but New Living Translation: "But as for me, I am poor and needy; please hurry to my aid, O God. You are my helper and my savior; O Lord, do not delay."
Lord, Help! I am at a turning point in my life and I am very afraid of falling back into spending all of my "empty" times - the void - with food or thoughts of food. Hundreds of times a day I am finding an overwhelming hunger - a void to be filled. I rush here and there, rent a movie, think about food, but I know those are part of the old pattern. Help me to be still, learn from you in the silence and then "Go". I am not sure what my hands need to be doing, so Lord please come to my aid and help me, save me, and guide me. In my Savior's name I plead for guidance, Amen.
A dark pit of failure. Starting the day with plans to eat healthy, follow the program and continuing to loose weight ~ then going out into the world, getting beat up, and coming back home and eating. Stuffing the anger and confusion, the need to fit in, - stuffing it with food. For over 2 months I have been loosing weight - 38 lbs. and over 29 inches. I know it is all God's doing - all His victory.
"When people's steps follow the Lord, God is pleased with their ways. 24 If they stumble, they will not fall, because the Lord holds their hand.." Psalm37:23-24
I read this passage and sometimes it doesn't help - I am still confused. I feel like I am in a tail spin - ready to hit bottom - hit it hard. That is what my feelings shout out with every emotional ache of failure. Today, I have to just believe with my mind, my soul - and hope the feelings will change. The Philippians 4 formula usually works and conquers my emotions. "Think on these things....". So this week, today, I will read passages that hold positive promises. Even though I don't feel the Lord's hand holding me - I will envision it there, think about how He showed His love to me thousands of times. I will hold on to God's promises.
Lord God Almighty, I am falling again into failure. Lord, so many controlling, abusive people poured evil thoughts into my mind for decades. All the voices from the past are shouting like loud winds, "You are worthless, you are broken and can't be repaired, you fail at everything, the Body is evil - and you can't control it without our help! God can help but, be practical, listen to us - we know you better." Lord, only Your presence helped me survive the lies and abuse. You held my mind in a secret place, helped me distance myself from the abuse - so that I could survive and learn to live again. Lord, I am hopeless at living a "normal" life. I don't know what to say to people and when I do try to engage in "small talk", I have little to relate to. How much time can someone spend talking about the weather? Lord, guide me in this "maturing" aspect of my life. Help me to know, really know you are with me everywhere. Help me remember that You can shout to the loud winds, "Be still!" and they obey Your commands. I need Your help, every step of my life. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.
Today, once again, I search for the right path, the correct way to behave, the right thing to say. I used to spend so much time thinking about food, dreaming about food, numbing out with food.... There is more time to be "real" now, more time. That is a scary thought! I am reminded of the Israelites that were slaves and then had freedom. What did they do when they had the whole world ahead of them and freedom waiting to be grasp? They wanted to go back into the "security" of slavery. So God gave them something to do. They gathered manna, they got organized, and then they built a place for the presence of God - a place for God to dwell while He was with them.
"Then the cloud covered the Meeting Tent, and the glory of the Lord filled the Holy Tent..... When the cloud rose from the Holy Tent, the Israelites would begin to travel,37 but as long as the cloud stayed on the Holy Tent, they did not travel. They stayed in that place until the cloud rose. 38 So the cloud of the Lord was over the Holy Tent during the day, and there was a fire in the cloud at night. So all the Israelites could see the cloud while they traveled." Exodus 40:24-38
With God as their guide there was no doubt about which path to take or where they would go. They simple had to follow. He was not distant, but an ever-present guide and companion. Their job was to exercise their faith, be patient, and be ready to follow when the cloud lifted. I need to remember that God is the same as yesterday. He has given me His Holy Spirit to guide me on this journey - this new life of freedom and choices. He asks me to trust Him and have faith.
Lord God Almighty, help me to willingly wait for Your timing and to be ready to go at Your command. Lord, help me to hold up Your Son's life as a mirror, as a map. Give me strength for the journey and let Your words be the food that gives me strength each day. Just like the Israelites brought idols with them - hidden away, I have my addiction to food and the voices from abusers ringing in my ears. The addiction slows me down and blocks me from seeing You and the voices from my past lie and spread anger and hate. Help me to be truly free of these things and to look only at Your holy presence. Lord, I can never thank you enough for sending Your Son as a sacrifice, so the veil could be torn and I could freely come, cleansed and forgiven into Your Holy presence. You are worthy to be praised! In Jesus - the High Priest's name, in Christ - my Redeemer's name ~ I plead for Your daily guidance, Amen.
Jesus loves me unconditionally. Why is that so hard to believe? Is it because the people that were suppose to love me - love the cute baby from birth - just could not show love. If someone doesn't know what unconditional love feels like - how do you recognize it when it is offered? The answers to these questions are still unclear to me. I believe but I pray each day for God to help my unbelief!
"And now I have it all—and keep getting more! ...You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes!" Phil. 18-20. I have to keep reminding myself that Christ accepts me the way I am ~ blind, scarred by life, wounded, and fearful. Charles Stanley puts it this way: " He (God) never expects you to "get good" before you "get God" - There isn't a situation in your life that is beyond His awareness, His concern, and His tender care."
"Then will I go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp, O God, my God." Psalm 43:4
In my life, I was surrounded by tone deaf musicians of love. The lessons that they taught were warped by fear, anger, and discord. I feel that God is tenderly reteaching me, reworking me into an instrument of joy and love that can, eventually, live a love song of praise to Him. He is the great Maestro, retuning my heart for unconditional love and a joyous celebration of praise.
Lord Father, thank you for Your Son, who gave His life - unconditionally. Take my life and conduct each stanza, each beat. Tune my heartstrings to love as Christ did - unconditionally, sacrificially, with joy and trust. To You be all the glory, and through Christ's name I pray this prayer and sing your praise! Amen.
"And it came to pass, when the time had come that He should be received up, He steadfastly set His face to go to Jerusalem" Luke 9:51
As a MK (military kid) I knew what it meant to "about face" and "toe the line". When I became a teacher I tried to bring the best part of that experience, that sense of structure and order into the classroom. My students knew the rules, they knew the consequences, they knew I cared about each and every one of them. My prayer every day was that they would learn how to focus on what was important in life: learning to use their God given talents to the glory of the Lord and learn the joy of serving others. With a secure classroom environment, students can spend time focusing on what is important. The power struggles seldom happen because each child is challenged to focus on their personal goals of success. They are rewarded with compliments, good grades, and confidence.
In the passage above Jesus had just held a child and told the disciples that the least would be the greatest. Jesus knew His time was coming near and his steadfast, resolute focus, His face was set to go - to Jerusalem - to His death. One version translates it "he gathered up his courage and steeled himself ".
My focus has recently wavered from the goal: seeking the Lord's answer for my weightloss, feasting on God's word each and every day, "turning a hunger and thirst for love into a spiritual feast that replaces emotional eating habits". So, once again, I gather up my courage and look to "Jerusalem" - I look to the goal of heaven and turn away from my sinful life, my destructive habits, and failure. I am tired of traveling through life looking in the rear view mirror.
Now - as a survivor, I have had a great deal of road kill to deal with in the last few weeks of this journey. I was moving along at a good pace and then found something dragging, dangling, and making noise as I was moving forward. I had to stop and figure out what was slowing me down again, what was causing anger to strip my gears again. It can be discouraging to build up speed and feel joyful and to feel free and then hit a wall of memories or (even more frightening) brand new, positive feelings. New places and experiences can be scary and cause uncertainty. But if I keep my eyes focused on the destination, heavenward ~ I know that I will find the pit stops don't hurt quite as much with each day that I travel toward "Jeruselem".
With God's help I will keep my eyes on the prize - "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" Philippians 3:14 Heavenward is a forward gear - not reverse!
Lord, I come before you again today asking for your help. I am having a hard time focusing on the goal - setting my face toward heaven. Please forgive me for getting weighed down again in failure, the pain of the past, and dragging with me the bloody memories of the little girl that was run over by life. Lord, each time a new memory overtakes me, help me to look to Your healing heart and move forward - even though it is so tiring. Anger is my greatest enemy. Lord, I give that anger to You. You are a just and merciful God and I leave judgement in Your hands. Help me to learn to forgive as I was forgiven. ~ In Christ's name I pray, Amen.
God's glory is all around us. The world is full of music and hums with joy. "At his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD." Psalm 27:6 I found the movie August Rush inspiring ~ music everywhere - even in the darkest, busiest places. Below the August Rush film clips is a clip of a baby picking up on the rhythm of life!
Jesus knew the woman at the well. To her, being really seen ~ was frightening but also a blessing. Jesus saw past the sin and loved the real person - the inner being.
"To be known is to be loved..." He really sees me - as I am, and yet he does not ignore me but instead He loves me. "To be known is to be loved" - without honestly looking at myself, without opening up completely so that all can see - well, "to be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known":
"The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are open to their prayers." I Peter 3:11 This is a wonderful song that helped me today. The pain seems unbearable, so I take medication and then feel like a failure, like I can't even breath and walk without getting help. I thank God for his love and the messages of hope and courage that songs like this give. The are inspired by God and His love for us...
"A holy response comes from a wholly committed heart". In the Book of Numbers I read the story of Joshua who was "wholly committed to follow the Lord". The Bible mentions five more times that he wholly followed the Lord. To do this, every part of his life had to be centered on God and His holy purpose - ready to follow at any minute, with no excuse or second thought.
I am at that point in my life when it is hard to "go" anywhere in a wheelchair. I still want to be open to God's calling. If God calls me to a task, I want to respond without excuses. I am at a new stage in my life: retired, getting healthy, loosing weight, no longer a caregiver to my Dad. At times of great change Satan can sneak in. So tonight I am praying for guidance for many decisions.
"Open up before God, keep nothing back;
he'll do whatever needs to be done:
He'll validate your life in the clear light of day
and stamp you with approval at high noon. " Psalm 37:5 (the Message version)
"Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3 (NIV)
I realize that such commitment to follow wholly - means that I must pay a price. Whatever that price is, I am sure that it cannot compare to the glory to come and the joy and peace that following Jesus on earth will bring. I am just reaching a point where the emotional barriers are coming down, and I am becoming a free person, with daily choices to make. For many years the daily choice was easy ~ die or live, drown in despair or survive, get help or give up. That battle is not as intense anymore. So many victories have been won - thanks to God's love and forgiveness. Now, there are more good days than days full of anguish. I am asking God to use me but I am not sure what His answer is for me tonight. So I will continue to work on weight loss, eating healthy, and learning how to mature as a Christian. The wholly committed life is not easy but I know the Lord will give me strength.
Lord, I am at a cross roads in my life. I pray that you will accept my cracked earthen vessel as your home and let me serve you wholly. Without Your love and grace, I would be nothing. Guide me day by day, for without the light of Your presence, I am blind and do not know what to do. Lord, for those who are struggling, I pray that they receive guidance and hope. Where ever you need me to go - I will go. Whatever you want me to do - I will do. With Christ as my mirror and my Savior, I pray this prayer. Amen.
I think survivors have layers of healing to deal with. There are times when something someone says or does triggers a part of the mind that has not been healed. "At the right time" God presents a challenge, a memory, a sore spot that needs to be healed - at that time. When this happens, I experience that moment in time as if it were happening again. I am shocked, angered, and worn out by the sharp reality of abuse, family secrets, and lies. I want to deny it all. Denial is the easy road to take. For those people that think that one zap heals all problems ~ that in one second God heals and allows an abused person to walk as a totally whole person - I say - that idea is probably cruel denial on their part. It is easier to deny the amount of work that must be done to heal from years of abuse. God made my mind so wonderfully that it allowed me to "be gone" mentally during years of abuse. If he had not blessed me with such a creative mind - I would have killed myself at age 8 or 9. The memory "switch" doesn't come back on all at once, revealing all the atrocities in the bright light of truth. God is gentle in his healing and kind, he guards and shelters us from those hurts that our minds cannot take in one revelation. He turns on the light with a "dimmer", letting me see what my soul can handle. Emotionally I know that I have to learn to crawl first and then walk before I can run. To expect anyone who comes from an abused background to be healed instantly - to zap the pain away or weight off - is just plain cruel.
You can tell that this is an emotionally charged issue for me. Today at the pool I thought that one lady was declaring that if I only prayed harder and forgive everyone that had ever hurt me - if I followed that quick and easy formula of faith - that complete healing was there for the taking. She asked if I had forgiven my mother. I told her yes. However, as new memories flood over me, as I walk forward into new situations in life and find that I was not taught a skill or my vision of life was warped by my mother's fears and brainwashing ~ new reasons to forgive and grow come to light. With these new memories - come momentary anger at what was done to a little girl.
As for the lady at the pool ~ I did get angry at her. Where did the anger come from? Who was I angry at? Then the Lord opened my mind and shed light on a few more past memories of other times when I had tried to loose weight... of other times that people said "just bow before the Lord, open your heart to Him and He will heal you - just believe!" Well, I spent years of pleading, I had bloodied knees and blood shot eyes from praying. God answered my prayers and taught me that He still loves me and there are natural, normal, God-created ways to heal the mind and spirit that has been abused. I am so thankful he sent me to the right people for help. I was blessed with therapists that let God heal me - layer by layer.
Life was unjust, people were unjust, and along the way people were foolish. Anger wells up inside me sometimes. Today triggered memories of times when God fearing brothers and sisters said inappropriate things because it was easy for them to say, "Just pray ~ God will heal you." They did not have the strength or knowledge to take the time back then and allowing me to work through the grief, disbelief, and lost years due to abuse. It helps me to realize that it was not their job and they could not handle it. They did not know what to say - so - out came their only advice. I try to remember that God has given me people who were sign posts, pointing the way to Him. Today, I am battling frustration and anger. Today, I turn again to God for help, for pruning, and for the watering of my soul:
"Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. God's righteousness doesn't grow from human anger. So throw all spoiled virtue and cancerous evil in the garbage. In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation-garden of your life. " James 1:19-20 (The Message version)
My prayer is that I can learn to forgive others for being human and imperfect - forgive instantly and hold my tongue and my judgement of their inability to help me. I cannot expect others to understand the deep hurt and scars of abuse. I hope that next time I will understand that others do not see me - the real me - like God does ~~ and that is more than enough. There is a balm in Gilead!
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." Eph. 4:31-32 (New Living version)
So today I come before the great Gardener and plea for forgiveness and salvation. I hold onto the hope that healing will come. I rejoice in another week of healthy eating and weight loss. Without God's work in my "salvation garden", I would still be locked in the darkness of fear, rage, and shame. Without God's help and healing throughout the years I would be filling my hungry, battered, grief-stricken heart with food. He is setting me free and I know that some day soon I will bloom - it will be a blossom created by God and His nurtured seed in my heart will flower in His time and His season of joy.
Lord, today I come before you humbled by my human frailty, my weakness. So much of my life is still bound and chained by the emotions that are still hidden. Thank you for uncovering the layers of memories and hurt - using Yourtime table. You are truly wonderful and worthy to be praised. Thank you for the helpers that you have sent during my life's journey. Lord please help me to forgive those that meant well - but were insensitive. Help me to be slow to speak and even slower to show anger around others. Help me to deal with my anger in a contructive way. Thank you for those that have spent years training to be helpers to others - therapist, doctors, councilors, and ministers. They have such beautiful feet and such healing hearts. To You, Lord I give my anger today, and through my Redeemer's name I pray. Amen
Freedom! Freedom from depression, from sadness, from the chains of addiction! At least for part of this day - that is how I felt ~ free. It was mostly a good day ~ and that goodness can only come from God. Today I want to focus on freedom.
For much of my life I was held captive ~ by controllers or abusers. I even joked with people in support groups and in therapy ~ "Every year or so, I would spend time at our family's concentration camp!" They would look confused, shocked, or disbelieving. Some people still do not believe that we had concentration camps in America - in American history. No way! But they are wrong. To the people behind the barbed-wire fences and guard towers ~ they knew that they were being led to a concentration camp when the gates closed behind them. To the people who were herded and poked in the back with a sword, pistol, Winchester, M1, or M16 as they were led into these "detention centers", "relocation centers", or whatever the government called them at that particular time in history ~ those people knew that they had lost their freedom.
After World War II ended, my family bought the land where one of the ten Japanese-American concentration camps once stood. Today there is still evidence left behind of the 8,000 people (half of them children) that were kept there: a smoke stack from the hospital, huge concrete circles where the water was treated, and soil filled with broken concrete, gravel, and sand. When I was younger, in the 50's, there was much more of the camp showing. Now there is a monument and Japanese-Americans come with their grandparents to visit the place where they went to school - behind barbed wire; where they played baseball - with a gun pointing at them from the watchtower.
Yes, I grew up and played baseball in the same place that someone else did - we shared one thing in common - across the years: the feeling of being trapped. I felt trapped and stifled by abuse and a family system steeped in secrets. Shedding light on my family's disfunctional lifestyle, on the secret sins, on the unspeakable acts ~ this helped me to be free from continuing the cycle of abuse. Truth! Truth will set people free ~ can set a nation free from future acts of injustice. Fear traps people and nations in disfunctional behavior. Seeing the world through God's eyes is the solution. Seeking truth in all things. However, truth that is not tempered with love, mercy, and grace - only leads to more fear, hatred, and abuse. Truth and freedom go hand in hand.
Freedom ~ it is a wonderful feeling! Jesus' touch can free us from pain and he came to free us ~ came to free me:
"God's Spirit is on me; he's chosen me to preach the Message of good news to the poor, Sent me to announce pardon to prisoners and
recovery of sight to the blind, To set the burdened and battered free,
to announce, "This is God's year to act!" Luke 4:18-19
Today, I feel like rejoicing. My wheelchair is fixed and I am free to move around! The rain has stopped and I can cruise outside unto my patio and take a breath. My life has been purchased by the blood of the Lamb. Life can be good ~ with God's help and with the prison gates open wide - Life can be good!
Lord, thank you for the freedom that Your love and grace bring to me. You are powerful beyond measure and I feel so free when I am plugged into You. Forgive me when I do not see Your love everywhere and in every thing. Lord, I pray for those that are still in prison ~ whether it be spiritually, physically, emotionally, or mentally. Show them that they can be free ~ with your help. Through Christ all things are possible and through His name I come before you, Amen.
Below the song - "I Am Free" is the three part introduction to the film series that I am working on about Jerome Arkansas and the Japanese American camps during WWII.
