Release the Balloons

Release the Balloons

In Psalm 30:5, David says, "Joy comes in the morning." I find that it is easier to find joy in the morning time. Even with aching muscles and bad breath, I find it easier to be joyful in the morning, before the pressures of the day come to mind and I start rushing around. The day starts out full of promise and hope.

Psalm 5:11-12 (New Living Translation): "But let all who take refuge in You rejoice; let them sing joyful praises forever. Spread your protection over them, that all who love your name may be filled with joy. For you bless the godly, O Lord, you surround them with your shield of love." Psalm 119:1-2: "Joyful are people of integrity, who follow the instructions of the Lord. Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts."

My religious upbringing was far from joyful and time in church was spent sitting up straight and not drawing attention to yourself in any way.

A story by Bruce Larson illustrates what worship service was like for me and it still resembles many assemblies today:

"A conference at a church was being held. People were given helium-filled balloons and told to release them at some point in the service when they felt like expressing joy in their hearts. Since they were a ____ group (denomination omitted), they weren't free to say "Hallelujah, Praise the Lord!" All through the service balloons ascended, but when it was over one-third of the balloons were unreleased."

It is important that my worship be all about praising God. That alone! Yes, edifying or uplifting others goes hand in hand with this. I think that worship should be the family of God coming together to feast on His word and glorify His name. The focus cannot and should not be about me or my gift. In the past I have worried about offending others and I have been too "uptight" to worship God joyfully.

It is time to release my balloons!

"This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!" Psalm 118:24

Lord, help me to see your beauty and glory in the early morning light. Help me to follow your instructions given in your word. Thank you Lord for your mercy and grace. Please take the chains off my heart, free my hands so they may rise up in praise to you, and Lord open my mouth so that I can praise your name loudly with joy. In my Savior's name I pray, Amen.

http://www.myspace.com/tracybarfieldsongwriter for "Let the Morning Bring"

For the trees

For the Trees

Ever heard of the phrase "can't see the forest for the trees"? It is used to describe someone who is focusing too much on the details, on specific problems. That person is missing the main point, not understanding the whole situation, and is in great need of someone to help them see clearly. Why do I bring this up? I love trees! They have always been a comfort and a theme that runs through my life. They are like huge arrows pointing to heaven; messengers of God's creation and His love for me.

Last year I went to an exhibit opening in San Antonio. I lived there for a while when I was younger. Just like a winter tree with the last few leaves hanging on as the blasts of icy wind shake the limbs, my memories of that house in San Antonio are very few. I have held onto what memories I have tenaciously. My sister told me yesterday that we lived there for more than 6 years. How can that be? I thought I had lived there just 2 years! I only have a few memories! Were the buried memories so horrific? Was I disassociating so much that those years are lost forever? What good memories and happy times were lost? Why can't I remember?! Once again, as I ponder these things, I am thrown into despair and depression. It was not looking like a good day.....for dieting, for anything. Then I searched for and found the pictures that I had taken a year ago when I was in San Antonio. I had gone by the house my parents had built over 30 years ago - their retirement home (for a few short years). I do remember my Dad planting the young trees, placing small wooden stakes and ropes to secure them so that they would not break in the wind. The pictures I took last year of the house and the front and back yard showed how huge and strong the trees had grown - in those 30 years. (The house and trees are in picture below with scripture.) There was evidence of limbs that had broken off and then trimmed. Over all, even with a few scars, they were gigantic and healthy looking. Sometime during our stay in that house, Dad was recruited to work for the military as an advisor. The house in San Antonio, the retirement home was sold so that we could move again, again, and again.

Perhaps my memories of that time are like the large branches of the trees, gone and discarded - so that the tree itself would remain healthy, growing strong and soaring toward heaven. I don't really know. What I do know - if I need to dig up the memories so that I can heal, get healthy, and move forward - God will help me find a path through that dark forest of pain. However, if the memories are gone forever - I will have to look at the big picture and focus on the part of me that is healthy and strong. It won't be easy. It is not easy having missing pieces of your life. I know that God will help me deal with any difficulty, even depression.

Trees can continue to grow, even during a draught. In the last 30 years San Antonio has had many draughts but even a little rain spitting down from the sky or watering once a week can sustain a tree - if the roots are deep enough. Even spit can heal and provide a new life.

Can't see the forest for the trees?.....Jesus had just fed thousands of people with just a little food. You would expect the next act to be grand - not spit related! In the city of Bethsaida Jesus met a blind man. Instead of healing him so all could see, he led the man out of town and spit in his face! At first the man could not see the "forest for the trees" but soon he was able to see everything clearly - he saw the people in the distance. Did he run back to the village shouting praises, starting a new ministry of praise? No - Jesus sent him back to his house and told him not to tell the village. That does not make sense at first. Think about it. Maybe, like the blind man, ours is a private healing. Sometimes our time with the Lord and what we go through with Him is best kept to ourselves. Perhaps it is because He is not finished with us yet and before we go "out into all the world".... we first need to go home to a closet and continue the healing process. I believe in my case - I am still in the closet of prayer and healing. The Lord has shown me His glory - one more time. His beautiful creation, the trees, pointed the way again. He has bathed my eyes with healing tears and given me work today to do at home.

Lord, please help me to see my whole life through your eyes, so that I can see clearly. Help me to know what I am to do in your service. You have given me healing and talent to do your will. There are so many choices, so many needy people, and it can be confusing. I run ahead of you sometimes, shouting your praises, doing what I can chaotically but running into trees. Lead me day by day, minute by minute. Plant your word in my heart so that I can stand strong through any storm and always point toward your glory. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Water, Water Everywhere

God in Control

God in Control

"God is in Control", a book and study guide by Dean Hagler has given me several days of deep study. The following is taken from his book and study guide:

The Godhead (God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit) was the only force in the beginning and it will be the only force at Judgement or the end (Rev.23:13). Hagler states that there are certain principles in the word of God that must guide our lives. If I deny one of these principle or truths, then I forfeit or block God as the "driver" and I leave my role as passenger and take control. I think I have the "right of way", the "right take" on the scriptures, the "right" way to do things. I listen to others or follow family traditions instead of just listening to God's written word... .... .... ... ...

Well, I don't want to block God's controll in my life. So here goes! I am just going to list these scriptures and pray over them - because without God being in control of my life - I know I will be lost! For my benefit, as a reminder to myself - I am listing the scriptures in one place so that I can come back to them in times of need - and study them once again:

1. God is the creator of life and He has all rights in regard to what He has created (Gen. 1:1 and following)
2. God created man special and created man in His image or likeness (Gen. 2:7).
3. We can relate to God. We are like Him morally and spiritually. (Gen. 1:27 & Gen.2:8)
4. God is active in the lives of men (Gen. 12:1-4; Rom. 8:28). He intends for things to work for the ultimate good of those who love Him (Gen. 50:19-20).
5. God has a plan for us and has given man direction from the beginning. His plan has different stages. (Gen. 2:15-17).
6. We are responsible for our own actions. God punishes the sinner. (Ezekiel 18:20)
7. God sent His son to pay for our sins. (John 1:1-14). This has always been His plan. (Gen. 3:15; 12:3; Galatians 3:8)
8. All men have sinned and must turn their life around (Romans 3:23). As none of us is righteous, holy, or pure, we must accept God's righteousness (Gal. 3:10-14).
9. God has provided His Spirit as a helper to those that are baptized in His Son's name (Acts 2:38; I Cor. 3:16)

So do I believe all of these scriptures? Do I accept them? Some are easier then others. Number 8 gives me trouble. I look at all the good I have done, at how far I have come....Sometimes I think I'm OK - yeah - I'm fine - I don't really need saving... then the hunger becomes compulsive again and I fail miserably! So once again, I ask God to take control and beg for help.

Number 9 is not easy either. Is baptism really needed? What if there is no water? But the Lord provided water to Philip and Ethiopian eunuch (Acts 8). They went "down into the water". Water? They were traveling the desert road. The words here indicates there was no dipping, sprinkling, - there is no evidence of those kinds of traditions found in the original Greek words that mean "down into the water - or a covering of water". So many people stop at faith only and just don't "do" the baptism thing. Good friends of mine follow their tradition because that is what has been done for years and years. Has their denominations morphed the scriptures? Is baptism the exact point of contact with the blood of the Lamb? Is baptism the beginning of our new life as Christians, our new walk with Christ? (Rom. 6:3-11)

But how can I believe that others who believe in the Lord are not cleansed by his blood and forgiven? ~ How can I believe that millions of believers ~ those who have yet to be baptised but believe in the Lord Jesus Christ - are not yet in contact with His healing, cleansing blood?

And yet baptism is a command in the New Testament - it was how things were done by the first Christians. They used anything deep enough to cover their bodies - anything that they could fill with water. Even as they hid in the catacombs, they found the vessels they needed, hauled in the water and were immersed. Take the tours under the ancient cities and listen to the guides as they point to the first century christians' symbol of the fish that are carved in the huge, deep, stone baptistries of past. Traditions! Traditions!

So today I look at the scriptures again, sigh and cry, and pray for understanding. As for me, right now ~ I am not in control of the Lord's word, or how it is interpreted by others. All I can do is pray for others to let God be in control of their own lives and their own salvation. I pray, like Paul, that everyone might "continue to work out your own salvation, with fear and trembling." Phil. 2:12

I still have a great deal of studying to do on this "list". I do know that I am responsible for my life and my sins. I cannot control others and I am commanded by Christ to not judge others. (Matt. 7:1-2, Luke 6:37) - I want God to be in control of my life. I know I have free will and that I will fail often. As a christian, I believe that Christ's blood continually cleanses me if I continue to walk in the light of God's word. (1 John 1:7)

Lord God, help me and guide me always. Without your control in my life, I would be adrift in a sea of sin and failure. Fill me with your love. Help me to trust you only and not trust in my own understanding of your word and your plan for my life. Let your light and your words guide my life. Please help me to not judge others but to show them the way to Your word so that You can bring them light and life eternal. In Jesus name, Amen.

Temper, Temper...

Temper, Temper!

Temperment - it is an odd word. It is mostly used to describe the characteristic or habitual inclination that we have in any given situation, it also means - the act or process of tempering or modifying something or someone. It is that definition that I wanted to focus on today, mostly because I need an upgrade, a modification. If I am going to succeed at living a life without eating as a crutch, I will need to be modified greatly.

I Peter 4:12-13, "Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner." The Message Version

Same verses in New International version. ^" Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice in as much as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed"

From what I have heard in sermons, the same Greek terminology that is translated as "testing" or "refining" also is used to describe what a blacksmith does when he places the blade of a sword into the fire, over and over again. This is called tempering the metal or modifying it so that it grows stronger and stronger. At this point in my life, that is what I feel is happening to me. I am being tempered or modified. Even if it seems the pain, temptation, and loneliness are overwhelming at times, it is just preparing me for what God has in store for me. God's plan for the future here on earth includes more pain but He makes sure I am well tempered or refined before I am asked to walk through fire. Later Peter writes:

"Control yourselves. Be on your guard. Your enemy the devil is like a roaring lion. He prowls around looking for someone to chew up and swallow. Stand up to him. Stand firm in what you believe. All over the world you know that your brothers and sisters are going through the same kind of suffering. God always gives you all the grace you need. So you will only have to suffer for a little while. Then God himself will build you up again. He will make you strong and steady. And he has chosen you to share in his eternal glory because you belong to Christ. Give him the power for ever and ever. Amen." I Peter 5:8-11

I have God's promise that no matter what "tempering" or testing I go through ~ He will restore me, build me up again. He will give me a kind of strength that I can't even imagine. Is it worth the pain of being modified, upgraded? Yes! Just think, I am being prepared and changed so that I can share in eternal glory. Not just sit at the pearly gates but actually come to the throne of God and sing praises with the redeemed. Wow!

Lord, I come before you wanting to be tempered, changed, and modified. I am uncertain how that is going to be done and I am also afraid of the process. Give me strength to go back in the fire, if that is what it take to glorify you. Help me not to loose my temper when the pain starts or when others are cruel. Change me into someone who is strong and couragous. Whatever it takes, you are in control of my life. In the name of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ I pray this prayer, Amen.

Unbroken Circle

Day 19 & 20

One of my dearest friends past away recently. She was not famous, did not win the Nobel Prize, walk the red carpet, or have a hit song that was number one on the charts. Like me, she was a survivor. I met her in a support group at a Women's center in Tennessee. We were a circle of women who met in a small room. My thoughts are taken back to that time in my life. I am not a poet but I felt I should share the poem at the end of this blog post ~ as a tribute to my friend and other women encircled by the secrecy and shame of abuse. The lines with all caps are stanza or titles of hymns.

"The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit." Prov. 15:4.

.... .... .... Truth and love go hand in hand. Deceit and abuse go hand in hand. If you are a deceitful person you are abusing someone, somewhere. I have hurt so many people in my life and I hate the thought that I ever became abusive in my speech and manner. My friend Melba, was the most gentle spirit I ever knew. Her tale of abuse was 100 times worse than mine and yet I never heard anything from your mouth that was abusive. I will miss her dearly.

Dear Lord, I come to you heavy with grief for all those souls that have been abused by deceivers and liars. Help them find You and put their trust in You only. You are the great healer. Lord, please forgive me when I am not totally honest with others, when I hold back my sin and pretend I am "normal". I am so arrogant sometimes and I give advise so freely, without thinking how it sounds to others. Help me remember that Your words are light- not my words. You are the Way. Please take me ~ this broken, scarred vessel and let Your light shine through. In your name I make this prayer ~ Amen

The Circle

“WE GATHER TOGETHER TO ASK THE LORD’S BLESSINGS…”

as we did from the beginning.

Then, the only answer we received –

was inconceivable, unthinkable, and unconscionable.

Now we huddle close, chair touching chair;

A group of survivors.

While other women work

have afternoon teas

or read romance novels –

we speak with varied voices

of incest’s iniquities

rape’s ravages

and the pain we share.

“BLEST BE THE TIE THAT BINDS…”

we feel safe – bound together

against the huge wall of denial –

A wall that keeps us separated from “normality”;

A wall that keeps the outside world safe

from unpleasant thoughts:

“ Oh… they just imagined it….

It never happened….

Father would never…

Mother would never…

Brother would never…

Reverend Jones would never…

Dr. Smith would never…

It never happened…

Never happened!”

“IN THE HOUR OF TRIAL…”

we speak of what did happen

-fear making voices waiver

-fear that it will somehow happen again.

We will do anything to stop the pain –

Run, take drugs, drink,

Be crazy, get help,

Gain girth – so we will be bigger

than our abuser was-

larger than our fears

Help is hardest;

Peeling away the burnt fleshy layers of

Heart and mind.

Peeling away

Layers uncovering rage as strong as atom bombs;

Layers of such sadness that it would take ten

Thousand mourners

A thousand years to mourn;

Layers of guilt -

branded with the numbers – the dates

of shameful, unspeakable deeds –

scorched skin seared with words:

“You’re dirty…You’re bad…You asked for it!

You deserve it…It’s your fault!

It’s your fault!”

“WILL THE CIRCLE BE UNBROKEN,

BY AND BY LORD, BY AND BY…”

A sisterhood of survivors

we inch forward.

Together, we will not be denied!

Together, we will stop the abusers.

Together, we are millions –

Circling the globe with healing.

® 1991

All caps = Titles of hymns

Majestic Name

Up, Up, and Away!

Day 16 & 17

One of my favorite books is an allegory, Hind's Feet on High Places. "The Lord God is my strength, and He will make my feet like Hind's feet, and He will make me walk upon my high places." Hab. 3:19 (hind = female deer). In the story the main character's name is Much Afraid. She sets out on a journey of growth but is weak and confused a great deal of the time. The Good Shepherd guides her and sends helpers to advise her. Half way through her journey up the mountain, she finds herself lost in a mist of discouragement. She is going around the mountain in circles and doesn't realize it until someone points out that the path she has taken is staying level instead of climbing upward and upward. She has worn herself out traveling that path and she does not think she can take another step or find the path upward. Like always, she is guided to the path but then she must climb. The Shepherd teaches her a song that helps her forget the aching muscles, scratches and bruises. The mist clears and she begins to climb higher again toward the High Places. ..... ..... ....

How does that relate to dieting? Well, there are times when it just seems too hard a path! Or the weight does not fall off for a week or two! You begin to get lost in a mist of discouragement. You begin to remember all the hard work, the nights when thoughts of food clawed at every part of your mind. You feel like shouting - "What's the use!" What can you do when this happens, when you are lost in depression and can't seem to climb the path upward? I don't know the answer for you, but for me music helps a great deal. Reading positive, encouraging scriptures and searching for the truth also helps me find the path upward. Singing and listening to music makes the path bearable. Is it easy? No way! Is it worth it? Absolutely!

Hebrews 12 - "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. ....Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed." ..... ..... ..... .....

These verses hold so many messages for me personally. I am in a wheelchair and can do so little, compared to others when it comes to excercize. With God's help, I do what I can to strengthen my drooping body and broken, weak legs. I take one day, one moment at a time and with prayer, I do the best that I can - with the strength given me. Do I pray for healing? Yes! Do I believe He can heal me? Yes! Do I get discouraged when the healing does not happen? Yes! I have learned that a lack of healing sometimes is not a matter of faith but it is about God's timing and my own personal path to High Places. I cannot always see the reasoning through the mist but if I am climbing upward - I know heaven is around the corner!

Lord, thank you for being my ever present guide on this path upward. Please help me when I become discouraged. Show me the way and teach me your songs of praise so that I can travel the path up the mountain joyfully. Help me to be an encouragement to others that are climbing upward. Lord, help me realize that sometimes I am in the valley to help others find the way to you. In Your name I plead for guidance, Amen

Raging Flood

Day Fourteen

I have been reading Max Lacado's book "Traveling Light" which is a study of Psalm 23. He talks in great length about David the shepherd and what sheep are like. The idea of "still waters" at this time in my life is very appealing. I also love these scriptures:

Isaiah 12:3 - "With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation."

Isaiah 49:10 - "They will neither hunger nor thirst, nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them.
He who has compassion on them will guide them and lead them beside springs of water."

Have I mentioned that I have been having nightmares a great deal? Floods! In every kind of dream! I will be dreaming about rushing around to get ready for the estate sale (which is thankfully over with). Then all of sudden the floods come rushing or darkly creeping in. I will be dozing off in the dentist chair and find myself dreaming about trying to get to my Dad's nursing home and the roads blocked by high water. When I open my eyes, I expect to see water all around the pedistal chair and torrents of rain blowing through the dentist's window. My nights are filled with dreams of raging floods or swirling high water. One online source says the dreams represent: "emotional issues and tension (duh!). Your repressed emotions are overwhelming you. (I'll say!). Consider where the flood is for clues as to where in your waking life is causing you stress and tension." So, most of my floods are family related, death related, and near my Dad's home or my own home. I am either trying to save my Dad or my brother or me. ... ... ... ...

There is nothing I can do about Dad since he has passed away. Today while I was in the dentist chair I remembered a time when I took Dad to the dentist and sat in a chair and watched. I was remembering how he made everyone laugh, made everyone feel at ease. Then the flood came, I began to cry! So I bit my lip and fought back the sobs that almost escaped. After all I was in a dentist chair. I was in the dentist chair almost 2 hours - mostly waiting - so when I dozed - the flood came again but in a dream ... ... ... ...

When it comes to dealing with my brother, this verse comes to mind -

Hebrews 11:7 - "By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that comes by faith." ... ... ... My problem is that I cannot save my brother and my family was a mess! They would not get in the ark of "normality". Disfunctional to the core! My brother will not take meds and roams around the country. So will I be condemmed to dream of floods forever? Do I sound like a silly sheep? Probably. I will try to work on the overwhelming feelings, emotional issues, etc. in therapy, also continueing to pray and study the word. In the mean time, I try to fill my mind with helping others, doing what I can do, and music:

Lord, thank you for saving me over and over again from the flood. I cannot survive life's overwhelming sorrows, confusion, and pain without your love and forgiveness. You are my savior, my captain, my life. Forgive me when I do not trust you. In the name of my savior I pray, Amen.

My All

Day 14 & 15

Courage to heal ~ courage to deal ~ courage to give up self and cling to Jesus for everything ~ that is what it takes for me to wake up in the morning, get dressed and face another day without my "crutch", my addiction. Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." This is not an easy time for me. Food has been my immediate comfort. There have been days, weeks, years that it was almost my every thought. Crazy, right?! Not really. When life is unbearable, when memories are filled with horror, when it seems everyone has failed you and you are alone ~ something must fill that void. Many turn to their jobs and become "work-oholics" with no room for God, family, or anything else. You probably know someone with an addiction - a compulsive need for something that overpowers their thoughts and actions. They feel like they have no choice - they must smoke, drink, lie, gamble, steal, etc. Eating as an addiction presents a problem because food is needed to survive. Well, with me it is different. Once I start eating ~ I find it hard to stop eating. I dream about food! How can I conquer this obsession, this compulsive behavior. I have found the only way to do this is to fill my mind and life with something else. So off I go and become a compulsive Christian "do-gooder". I overpower people with my "mission", my longing to be useful and "at work" for the Lord. But isn't this just another behavior that I am using to "fill" my compulsive mind? Sometimes. It is so hard not to fill one compulsion with another. Many times I am still so tormented by my "need" for foods that have comforted me for decades, that I feel like I am in a storm of self-doubt and memories of all the times I have failed in the past. I cry out to the Lord in middle this dark fury of need and He rebukes the winds and waves of my confusion, my chaotic hungry thoughts and tells them to "Be still!". I know that only in Jesus and His word can I find what I need to fill the void in my life.

"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10 ..... .... .....

2 Peter 1: "His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. ⁴ Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." Desires - desires that are unhealthy and can and will cause corruption, compulsion, and death ~ if those desires are not dealt with. God is the only Way, the only healing power, the only One who can fill the void in my life. Over the years, one scripture in particular has helped me greatly when my emotions cause me to have overwhelming hunger ~ Phil. 4:8-9 "⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. "

The answer ~ The God of peace will be with me, when I am still and thinking of something other than my compulsion. Sometimes it is a song or scripture or just going out and watering my plants and searching for God's glory in the natural world around me. He grants serenity. He is sufficient (2 Cor.12:9) and I can conquer my cravings, my longings, my addiction to food with His help (Romans 8:37).

My God, I come to you today with such longing, such hunger! Please Lord help me be still and really know that You are my everything. Help my unbelief, Lord. I am so weak and I fall back into my compulsive behavior again and again. I know when I call on You - all things are possible with Your help! I ask for that help again today. Thank you for your precious gift of life and mercy. In the name of Jesus, my all in all, I pray, Amen.

The Lonely Road

Day Twelve & Thirteen

Why is Sunday the loneliest day of the week? I think it is because I miss the fellowship of Christians. Due to my emotional problems and my physical disability, I find it difficult to get to the church building. When discussing it with Christians at the fellowship where I have "membership", I have heard this comment more than once: "Isn't there a place closer to your house where you can worship?" The pain of this attitude and insensitivity haunts me today again. I already feel like I don't belong any place. I already feel like no one could possible accept me - the real me - that was battered and abused, that is now healing but struggling with so many feelings. I know if I go to church, I will probably cry because grief and guilt are so close to the surface. Isn't there any place where keening is accepted? We live in such a puritanically society where emotions that are expressed loudly are met with, "Can't you find someone to help you?", "Shouldn't you be in therapy?", "Just pray and the pain will pass". ... In other cultures, people are hired to keen, weep, and wail at funerals. Why? To make sure that those that are mourning feel comfortable in crying out loud and to direct the attention of others toward the loudest sound, the ones ripping their cloths and pounding their chests. I long for keeners! I long for someone to be there and comfort me during the darkest time or even the times that sneak up on you - when you find yourself crying for no reason that you can pinpoint. The feeling of loneliness is overpowering sometimes. Sundays - people fellowship and praise God together - together. Sundays - people go out to eat and laugh over weekly events or just a toddler trying to get a carrot stick up their nose while sitting in a restaurant highchair. Sundays - fellowship with a party atmosphere - afternoon bridal showers, meals in homes followed by afternoon games - football on TV, Wii or Nintedo, or just watching through the window and sipping iced tea as children play in the backyard, inventing their own games. Sundays - the redeemed come together before the table to remember the best gift - salvation through a Lamb's blood, splattered on the doorstep of sinful hearts. What ever happen to Christians bringing the Lord's Supper to the homebound and the sick? Do we have to request this visit? Why should we beg and plead for visitors? Who will take the effort to invite a wounded, disabled mess to their feast - their "party"? Do I have to be the one to make sure the house is handicapped accessable? Do I have to drive to a house ahead of time and "scope it out"? I asked to be placed in a fellowship group or life group that was close to where I live and handicapped accessable - but I have never heard a word? No, I never had a call. What ever happened to friends like the ones in Mark 2:1-5 that actually tore a hole in a roof to make sure their friend could be at Jesus feet. ... ... ...

Today, I feel lonely and betrayed. I "went" on mission fields when few would go. I know I am nothing and any effort I made in the past was nothing... any reward heavenly. I did those things joyfully (or as joyful as an emotional survivor with unresolved issues could). But if I could go and help others - as wounded and flawed as I was, why can't others come to me on paved roads, into a subdivision that is accessed by five major roads?... .... ...

I know God was and is always with me but I feel lonely and sick with sorrow today. One of the greatest dangers being in the presence of loneliness too long is its companion - bitterness. .... .... ....

"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted" David said this in Psalm 25:16. .... .... Moses cried to his people, "What great nation has a god as near to them as the Lord, our God, is near to us?". ... .... "God...will never leave you or forsake you" Deut. 31:6. .... .... .... ....

So today, like many, many days, I have a choice to make: run away from the loneliness and bitter pain by eating, numbing out with movies and lots of food OR opening the drapes, letting the sun shine in and run toward Jesus, viewing the world and my problems as though they were behind me - with Christ before me. It is a hard choice: stretching away the sore muscles of pain's past and setting foot - in front of foot - - going forward (even if it is with a walker). ... .... ... For this moment - I choose Christ. My prayer is that I will always run forward with Christ instead of staying in the dark valley of loneliness. He fought the loneliness of Gethsemane, where the darkness and burden of all our sins forced him face down in the dirt. However, He split the heavens of hope open wide with His resurrection ~ showing us a lighted path out of loneliness and despair. So because He fought loneliness and won, I can do it! Thinking about Him and His love for me - I feel less lonely. ... ... .... .... "Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith." Heb. 12:1-2 .... .....

Lord, help me out of the dark, bitter place called loneliness. Help me to think of others that are lost without hope, instead of wondering why pain lingers like a ghost in every room of my house. Thank you for Jesus and His gift of love. Help me look at Him ~ as I climb out of despair and run the daily race. Through His name I pray, Amen. ..... ....

2G = Guilt + Grief

Day Ten & Eleven

I skipped Wednesday. ... ... .... well, Thursday was weigh in day - so needless to say Wednesday was a little rough. I made it through prayer and focusing on other things to do. Wednesday evening I ate more than I wanted to - good things but still more than I had planned. Thursday I had therapy first then went straight to weigh in and get measured and then I went and got a massage. My weightloss couch said that I did great - which is code word for I lost some weight. Since she was the only one in the office - I did not have to deal with office staff and people in the waiting room. Saturdays are not the day to go to Medifast. It is extremely crowded. .... ..... ....

Wednesday night I woke up about 12 times with exhausting dreams about my Dad. One of them went like this: The hospital called saying that I had to get there right away (this had happened many times over the last 6 years). I get in my car in the middle of the night and start driving but I never get there. It begins to rain, the road gets washed out, the detour takes me the opposite direction, and so on... I wake up tired, crying, and feeling guilty that I had not been able to be there to help. Grief hits again. Sometimes I feel guilty that I feel guilty! I am glad that my role as caregiver is over with. That also makes me feel guilty! I am still having to deal with his estate but that will be over with eventually. I know this is all part of the grieving process but is so much work. So I count my blessing that I am now "disabled" and retired. God has not given me something that I cannot bear. If I was having to work, go to physical therapy, and deal with this grief - I think I would have broken down. I care! It is so hard to stop the role of an active caregiver - being responsible for the daily, even hourly needs of someone. Praying as you rush to the hospital becomes part of your life. .... .... ....

My brother also is "disabled" but mentally. For the last 3 days I have had to deal with a new relationship with him based on guilt and grief. Dealing with him sends me into an overwelming need to eat, to numb the pain and confusion; the guilt and grief. He mourns for his past normality. He is so lost in a world of fear and conspiracies. It anger's me that the government will not make him take his medication. Let's just say that knowing that you cannot take care of someone who is unwilling or unable to get the help they need - is sometimes worse than the role of a caregiver. My heart breaks for him. My prayers are heavy with longing for him - he needs peace and to live without his mind full of conspiracies. .... .... ....

An algebra lesson on variables popped into my head this week. Definition of a variable: (1). a quantity that can change or vary, taking on different values (2). a letter or symbol representing a varying quantity. So my daily equation is:

2G = 1Guilt + 1Grief . .... ... ...

The dreams and feelings that are overwhelming me at times about my father are 1 part guilt + 1 part grief. My feelings about my brother are also 2G. Shouldn't I just offer him my home - open my doors to him? But I have been down that road before - during college - I shared a house with him. I had just gone through a divorce after 20 years of marraige and he was desperate, on the road with no car. One of my roommates during that time offered to let him stay in the extra 3rd bedroom with us. I don't remember how long he stayed - maybe it was not long - weeks or months - I just know it was extremely hard to deal with. That I don't remember any details of that time must mean that when he was around I disassociated even more.

Now my Dad is dead. My Dad and brother had a co-dependent relationship. My Dad would say "no" but in the end he would give in and give my brother money and let him stay in the house. Dad suffered verbal abuse daily as well as having to hear loud raintings and ravings from downstairs. He moved my brother out countless times but somehow my brother found a way back into the house again and again and before long all of his stuff would be moved downstairs. When the abuse became physical, I stepped in to protect my 85 year old father. That co-dependency would pull on Dad's heartstrings and he had doubts - as my brother pleaded for money, to visit the house, etc. However, the new rule was no contact at the house and a caregiver had to be present when my Dad and brother met. That rule - made and enforced by me - stood until my Dad was on his death bed and could not be hurt again. My brother was allowed to spend the last days of my Dad's life by his bed. Now that my Dad is dead, and I am the trustee of the trust - the authority figure, my brother is transferring that dependency to me. How can I say no? Am I not my brother's keeper? So the guilt and grief mingle. I must say no - if I love him! Without medication, my brother begins to think that I am part of the massive conspiracy and he becomes abusive, accusatory, and sometimes violent. So I email him and tell him - if he gets help and goes on meds - there is a home for him. And I pray. (Dad and I used to talk on the phone every day and my brother was a subject that always came up. We both would sigh and say - all we can do is pray.) ... ... ... ...

When thinking about the unfair, complicated feelings that mental illness in a family system can bring - I think about this daily goal from one check list:

I will delight in the knowledge that we are each created different because it is in our differences we make a more powerful and beautiful whole. We each reflect a different aspect of the mystery of Life and God. Individually and together we are a Masterpiece! .... .... .... ....

Since every year 54 million people are diagnosed with one mental illness or another - seeing the big picture through God's eyes is extremely important. .... .... .... ....

My prayer during these days of confusion brought on by guilt and grief - is to be drawn closer to God - and my mantra is just to take it one step at a time and to breathe...

Lord God, please help me to know what to do with this overwhelming grief and guilt. You are in control and I cannot deal with all the emotions that are swarming around me. I have taken a path toward healing when it comes to my eating compulsions. Please help me to continue that process. I realize that my healing is not happening in a void - that I must learn to live with my life, the death of my Dad, my past abuse, and my mentally ill brother. Lord take control of all of this today. In my Redeemer's name, I pray. Amen.

Jungle Out There

Day Eight & Nine

Monday and Tuesday flew by! Monday was physical therapy and then my caregiver/helper came by to work. I had made flyers to put up at Dallas Baptist University for roommates so we headed there to put them up. Because I am now on disability, I must take in roommates to help pay the mortgage. I took the wheelchair hoping to cruise around the campus and get some fresh air. It was a hilly campus and not as handicapped friendly as I thought. So I ended up hanging out in the car while Renee put up most of the signs. Then we went to Walmart and I did use my electric wheelchair. It is so easy to use and I spent too much time shopping. I was able to shop for food that will work well with the Medifast diet. We did not get home until almost rush hour. When Renee left I rested and went to bed early. Tuesday we worked on putting away boxes and items in my bedroom and put up drapes. When I moved into the house I nailed a bedspread over the bedroom window. It looks good now and the bedroom has been swept for the first time in a while. After I shattered my leg last October, the christian caregiver that I hired stole $4000 from my bank account and I had not had help since January. I did the best I could to keep things picked up and put away. Then my father's strokes and death happened in April and I brought boxes and boxes of paperwork and valuables home, where they have been left sitting for months. A friends came over after lunch today and helped clear out most of the old boxes out of the garage. What a blessing!

Dieting ~ well the last two days have been good. I am recording what I am eating and keeping busy or resting. Keeping busy is important and evenings are the hardest time of day. The cravings come hard and heavy ~ especially when all the commercials on TV are about food! There is one that is playing now from an ice cream store. They just shout the words ice cream, cake, ice cream, cake, ~ over and over again while showing flashes of ice cream and cake. Normally this wouldn't even tempt me but I was ready to get out into the car and drive there!

I am thankful for every minute that God helps me get through without falling into despair or pigging out. He is my only strength. I have been reading Max Lucado's book "Traveling Light, Releasing the burdens you were never intended to bear ~ the Promise of Psalm 23". In the chapter "It's a jungle out there" he talks about Psalm 23:3 ~ "He restores my soul." The book reminded me of several scriptures. In II Peter 2:11 "...you are like foriegners and strangers in this world". And also God encouraging me to lift my eyes from the jungle of temptations, fears, and hopelessness in Col. 3:2 ~ "Don't shuffle along, eyes on the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ... see things from His perspective."

One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 121 ~ "I lift my eyes to the hills - Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth...The Lord will keep you from all harm - He will watch over your life." So as I go through these days, struggling minute by minute to do what is right, to conquer fears and memories, and to forge new habits ~ I will try to remember who is watching over my whole life.

Lord God Almighty, thank you for another few days of help as I try to eat healthy. I am such a habit-bound, compulsive eater. My sin is ever before me and I feel like I am lost in a jungle of emotions. Help me find a lighted path to your salvation. I know that this will only happen when I follow Jesus, my Redeemer, my life. It is in His name I pray for mercy today, Amen.

On Eagle's Wings

Day Seven

I realize that some days I will not be able to write a blog entry. The Medifast diet for diabetics is really the best for me. Like I have said before - I prayed about what to do and this worked for me over a decade ago until my weightloss and other issues led to my divorce. The last two days on this diet have sent my blood sugar on a roller coaster ride. I stayed in bed most of one day but tried to eat and stay on the program. I carefully monitored my blood sugar levels. Could it be that my body is getting used to the shakes? I am not used to eating every 2 hours. Could this be the problem?

As I napped and read, the thought of "eagles wings" kept coming to mind. I need to be "raised up on eagle's wings" every day ~ held in the palm of God's hands.

Lord Almighty, hold me up and help me from plunging into deep depression today. I want to live a new, healthy life with You. Please guide me as I go through these feelings that are brought to mind when food is the issue and the past scars keep past hurts walled up. Set me free so that I might be of service to You, so that I can open my arms wide and love others. I know Lord that my path lies to the foot of the cross and salvation comes from Jesus and his sacrificial offering for my sins, my past, and my disfunctional life. It is through His name I pray this prayer today, Amen.

God is good

Day Six

The second day with the Medifast diet went well. I stayed busy and I did not worry if I followed the plan exactly. What I mean to say is that I substituted other diet options for those that were in Medifast. It was probably a mistake to "start" as soon as I got the program directions, menus, etc. I had not shopped but I could not shop until I got all the instructions. Since shopping is quite an ordeal when you are in a wheelchair, I decided to do what I could to make the day successful. "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might." My caregiver came over and we cleaned out all the shelves, pantry, etc. and boxed up foods that are not on the program. Except for Healthy Choice and Lean cuisine frozen meals - I am set. The diabetic program I am on is 5 + 2 +2. This means that I must drink 5 shakes a day, eat 2 lean and green meals, and I can have 2 snacks. That is a great deal to think about - so for now I am supplementing some of the frozen dinners for the lean and green meals, sometimes adding extra veggies. I know canned veggies are not ideal but they will work in a pinch and I have about 25 cans that can fit well into the program. We worked hard today and the kitchen is organized and ready to go. I still need to shop weekly for fresh veggies and salad making materials but I will think about that on Monday when the caregiver comes back.

Listening to my YouTube playlist of Christian music helped me keep my momentum today. There were a few low periods. I am still going through boxes from my parent's house. There is so much to shred but in between 30 year old utility bills are pictures, notes, and other items that someone in the family might want. I think that if I can scan a great deal of the documents, notes, and pictures ~ the family members can pick which information or items that they want to print. That is a task that will have to wait. I am mostly sorting through paper work for garbage, filing, or shredding. At least the boxes that are left will be well labeled and organized. These should fit well in the garage. I am hoping to have roommates by September 1st, so there is a time crunch. I was not overwhelmed as much today. I cried a few times when I found pictures or notes, but that is OK.

Over all I feel tired but encouraged today.

John 4: 10,13-14 ~ Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water. ... Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

I have always loved this passage because so many of the people that Jesus stopped to talk to were broken. He met them by the roadside or under a tree and just began to speak. Everyday settings but unbelievable words of life. The formula for change and eternal life! That we have the gospel to read is a daily feast. I am thankful every day for His word of life. God is good ~ all the time. Psalm 116:5 ~ "How kind the Lord is! How good He is! So merciful, this God of ours!"

Sin's Voices

Day Five

Picking up the pieces of my life and actually going to the Medifast center to pick up all the program's "stuff" was a numbing experience. Inside I was excited and I kept telling myself that I am committed to this path and I won't stop. But as the weight-loss coach and personal adviser talked, my numbness increased. My mind kept shouting, "They can never understand you! They can never see the real you, no matter how hard they try, they cannot deal with the inner you." As Tanya, the adviser, talked I nodded my head and said I understood because I have heard it all before. I warned her that for a diet to work for me - the diet part has to be simple because the emotional part will drag me to failure and I can't deal with both. I paid the money and signed the contract. I have been down this path before many times. Still filled with fear, I warned the office staff as I went out the door that I don't want cheerleaders, I don't want to know how much weight I am loosing. I told them that, for me, it has to be all about getting the weight off, so that I can be healthy. They patched smiles on their faces as they said that they understood and that there are others like me, but I could see in their eyes that I don't fit the usual client profile and they didn't really understand. I smiled back and drove away. Inside I was shouting, "No one understands, no one can sort out and dig deep enough to see the real me!" As despair threw me against a wall of pain again, I reached out for the only certainty that I had: God Is! Jesus lived, died, and lives again for me! If I am going to make it past these walls of painful memories that are tied to anything having to do with my body ~ I need help! I need help digging through these emotions and robotic responses that keep me marching down the same path, day after day, numbing bite after bite. I cried out to the Lord for help.

"This is what the LORD says, He who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it—the LORD is his name: 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeramiah. 33:2-3 So as I drive the car away, I cry out again, fighting with unbelief, "No one can see the real me without turning away in disgust!" My Mother looked at me and cringed or curled her lips in a sneer. Every moment with her was a battle for control ~ on one side was her trying to control my every breath so that my sinful nature would not reign over me and on the other side was me ~ battling to stay alive, to fight the pain. She couldn't even say my name as she tried to cleanse the dirt from inside me. She had to disconnect herself so much from what she was doing that my pleading did not reach her. Her mantra was, "The body has to be clean.... the body is not normal...the body does evil things" Not "your body", ... What she saw in me was so vile, that she could not even say my name, she could not look at me and stay sane, and, the most searing pain of all ~ my own mother could not look at me and love me. Whatever she saw filled her with so much fear, that there was no room for love.

So when the office staff at Medifast spoke, once again I felt like I was holding on to the edge of a icy cliff and my every breath aching in total disbelief that anything or anyone could really understand. I do want to hold onto hope and reach for the light. I believe in God - I do! I believe that He sent His Son, who died and rose for me ~ for me ! I do believe this! When I look at all the beauty around me every day, when I see God's spirit "working" in lives all around me ~ I believe and praise His name! He has healed so many parts of my soul and given me strength to live each day, work in the real world each day, and sing His praises each day. But ......When it comes to dealing with my body, I find myself back on that cliff again, more afraid then ever! "Help my unbelief! I thought I was healed Lord? Where are you Lord?" I feel He has hit layers of emotional bedrock that cannot be penetrated. I feel like David, "I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Sin has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within." ............. .............. So as I continued to drive home from this first appointment, despondently I turned on the radio and a "Song of Love" was playing. "Jesus I love You, my Lord, my life! Where would I be without You...Trials may come and friends they may go, what really matters is You, my Lord." I pulled over in a parking lot and cried. Where they cleansing tears? I do not know. The next song was "Born Again". "I was lost when You found me here. I was broken beyond repair. Then You came along and You sang Your song over me." but when the chorus played, I could not sing because I did not feel it: "It feels like I'm born again. It feels like I'm living for the very first time in my life." ~ ...... ...... This chorus made me feel farther way from peace and from an answer. I don't feel "born agan" every moment of the day. Then the next verse reached out ~ ~~ ~~~ "Make a promise to me now, reassure my heart somehow that the love I feel is so much more real than anything." but I turned of the radio in anger. The only real thing I felt for decades was fear and pain. That was my reality! Where was God then? Where was He when I cried out to him as a six year old, a seven year old, and on and on, year after year! I pulled into my garage still crying. When I got home I dropped the bag of promises by the doorstep and I refused to look at the colorful recipe books, all the promising pictures of people who had lost weight. I couldn't stop crying, so I went to the scriptures to help me through another dark time of disbelief. I surrounded myself with uplifting music filled with God's promises from my playlists. ........ ............ ......

Did this help? Yes, a little. The battle rages on within me today and every day. Sometime it helps to be with people but most of the time it does not. My therapist is a great comfort and guide. I long to be in therapy every moment of the day ~ to get fixed ~ today! But I have learned over the years that it takes time to work through the layers of pain and abuse. ............. ...........

Like burn victims, I scrap away the dead layers so that new layers can heal. There are other aspects to healing from burns ~ ~ fighting infections, pumping liquids and nutrients into the body, and sometimes scrapping away layers again that are not healing properly. It takes time. Sometimes limbs are lost so that the body can survive. So I try to sooth my spirit with things that have helped my sick soul in the past: music, nature, scriptures, daily activities in the real world. One of those activities is writing. I write these words for myself as a record. I tell myself that each layer that is torn off, brought to light, and soothed is one more step toward healing. I hold on today to the things that I am certain of and I try to be thankful and count the blessings that I have in this moment. When it comes to eating today, I will do my best. I will try to remember that God did not forsake me, even though it felt like it thousands of times. That I cannot understand His ways. So today I dried my eyes and I went out into the 100 degree heat and watered my potted plants and prayed that God would refresh me in the same way. I am thankful for the Internet and all the sources of encouragement that are present there.

Lord God, help me to make it through this time of darkness and healing. I have so many memories that I can't remember. I realize that you protected me during those times of abuse by allowing me to "leave" that reality and find a safe place. Now it is time for me to uncover the lost little girl with her scars, her heart full of terror, disbelief, and rage. Help me work through this time of discovery, of redemption. Sometimes I don't want to heal because it hurts so much. Please guide me onto a healthy path. Lord thank you for sending your Son who beaten, abused, and killed for my sins. With his love, help me find forgiveness for what I have continued to do to my ugly body. Help me to forgive others and not bottle up the rage and anger ~ until I must stuff the pain back down with food. In Jesus name I plead and lay my burdens at Your throne ~ Amen.

Here is another song from my playlist that helped me today: