Pit of Disrepair

A dark pit of failure. Starting the day with plans to eat healthy, follow the program and continuing to loose weight ~ then going out into the world, getting beat up, and coming back home and eating. Stuffing the anger and confusion, the need to fit in, - stuffing it with food. For over 2 months I have been loosing weight - 38 lbs. and over 29 inches. I know it is all God's doing - all His victory.

"When people's steps follow the Lord,
God is pleased with their ways.
²⁴ If they stumble, they will not fall,
because the Lord holds their hand.." Psalm37:23-24

I read this passage and sometimes it doesn't help - I am still confused. I feel like I am in a tail spin - ready to hit bottom - hit it hard. That is what my feelings shout out with every emotional ache of failure. Today, I have to just believe with my mind, my soul - and hope the feelings will change. The Philippians 4 formula usually works and conquers my emotions. "Think on these things....". So this week, today, I will read passages that hold positive promises. Even though I don't feel the Lord's hand holding me - I will envision it there, think about how He showed His love to me thousands of times. I will hold on to God's promises.

Lord God Almighty, I am falling again into failure. Lord, so many controlling, abusive people poured evil thoughts into my mind for decades. All the voices from the past are shouting like loud winds, "You are worthless, you are broken and can't be repaired, you fail at everything, the Body is evil - and you can't control it without our help! God can help but, be practical, listen to us - we know you better." Lord, only Your presence helped me survive the lies and abuse. You held my mind in a secret place, helped me distance myself from the abuse - so that I could survive and learn to live again. Lord, I am hopeless at living a "normal" life. I don't know what to say to people and when I do try to engage in "small talk", I have little to relate to. How much time can someone spend talking about the weather? Lord, guide me in this "maturing" aspect of my life. Help me to know, really know you are with me everywhere. Help me remember that You can shout to the loud winds, "Be still!" and they obey Your commands. I need Your help, every step of my life. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

• Steven Curtis Chapman: Beauty Will Rise - Live ~
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=el-UboNj_nQ

100% Cloud Cover

100% Cloud Cover

Today, once again, I search for the right path, the correct way to behave, the right thing to say. I used to spend so much time thinking about food, dreaming about food, numbing out with food.... There is more time to be "real" now, more time. That is a scary thought! I am reminded of the Israelites that were slaves and then had freedom. What did they do when they had the whole world ahead of them and freedom waiting to be grasp? They wanted to go back into the "security" of slavery. So God gave them something to do. They gathered manna, they got organized, and then they built a place for the presence of God - a place for God to dwell while He was with them.

"Then the cloud covered the Meeting Tent, and the glory of the Lord filled the Holy Tent..... When the cloud rose from the Holy Tent, the Israelites would begin to travel,³⁷ but as long as the cloud stayed on the Holy Tent, they did not travel. They stayed in that place until the cloud rose. ³⁸ So the cloud of the Lord was over the Holy Tent during the day, and there was a fire in the cloud at night. So all the Israelites could see the cloud while they traveled." Exodus 40:24-38

With God as their guide there was no doubt about which path to take or where they would go. They simple had to follow. He was not distant, but an ever-present guide and companion. Their job was to exercise their faith, be patient, and be ready to follow when the cloud lifted. I need to remember that God is the same as yesterday. He has given me His Holy Spirit to guide me on this journey - this new life of freedom and choices. He asks me to trust Him and have faith.

Lord God Almighty, help me to willingly wait for Your timing and to be ready to go at Your command. Lord, help me to hold up Your Son's life as a mirror, as a map. Give me strength for the journey and let Your words be the food that gives me strength each day. Just like the Israelites brought idols with them - hidden away, I have my addiction to food and the voices from abusers ringing in my ears. The addiction slows me down and blocks me from seeing You and the voices from my past lie and spread anger and hate. Help me to be truly free of these things and to look only at Your holy presence. Lord, I can never thank you enough for sending Your Son as a sacrifice, so the veil could be torn and I could freely come, cleansed and forgiven into Your Holy presence. You are worthy to be praised! In Jesus - the High Priest's name, in Christ - my Redeemer's name ~ I plead for Your daily guidance, Amen.

Tuning Up

Tuning Up

Jesus loves me unconditionally. Why is that so hard to believe? Is it because the people that were suppose to love me - love the cute baby from birth - just could not show love. If someone doesn't know what unconditional love feels like - how do you recognize it when it is offered? The answers to these questions are still unclear to me. I believe but I pray each day for God to help my unbelief!

"And now I have it all—and keep getting more! ...You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes!" Phil. 18-20. I have to keep reminding myself that Christ accepts me the way I am ~ blind, scarred by life, wounded, and fearful. Charles Stanley puts it this way: " He (God) never expects you to "get good" before you "get God" - There isn't a situation in your life that is beyond His awareness, His concern, and His tender care."

"Then will I go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp,
O God, my God." Psalm 43:4

In my life, I was surrounded by tone deaf musicians of love. The lessons that they taught were warped by fear, anger, and discord. I feel that God is tenderly reteaching me, reworking me into an instrument of joy and love that can, eventually, live a love song of praise to Him. He is the great Maestro, retuning my heart for unconditional love and a joyous celebration of praise.

Lord Father, thank you for Your Son, who gave His life - unconditionally. Take my life and conduct each stanza, each beat. Tune my heartstrings to love as Christ did - unconditionally, sacrificially, with joy and trust. To You be all the glory, and through Christ's name I pray this prayer and sing your praise! Amen.

It Is Well, With My Soul

Fix Your Heart Toward Heaven

Fix Your Heart Toward Heaven

"And it came to pass, when the time had come that He should be received up, He steadfastly set His face to go to Jerusalem" Luke 9:51

As a MK (military kid) I knew what it meant to "about face" and "toe the line". When I became a teacher I tried to bring the best part of that experience, that sense of structure and order into the classroom. My students knew the rules, they knew the consequences, they knew I cared about each and every one of them. My prayer every day was that they would learn how to focus on what was important in life: learning to use their God given talents to the glory of the Lord and learn the joy of serving others. With a secure classroom environment, students can spend time focusing on what is important. The power struggles seldom happen because each child is challenged to focus on their personal goals of success. They are rewarded with compliments, good grades, and confidence.

In the passage above Jesus had just held a child and told the disciples that the least would be the greatest. Jesus knew His time was coming near and his steadfast, resolute focus, His face was set to go - to Jerusalem - to His death. One version translates it "he gathered up his courage and steeled himself ".

My focus has recently wavered from the goal: seeking the Lord's answer for my weightloss, feasting on God's word each and every day, "turning a hunger and thirst for love into a spiritual feast that replaces emotional eating habits". So, once again, I gather up my courage and look to "Jerusalem" - I look to the goal of heaven and turn away from my sinful life, my destructive habits, and failure. I am tired of traveling through life looking in the rear view mirror.

Now - as a survivor, I have had a great deal of road kill to deal with in the last few weeks of this journey. I was moving along at a good pace and then found something dragging, dangling, and making noise as I was moving forward. I had to stop and figure out what was slowing me down again, what was causing anger to strip my gears again. It can be discouraging to build up speed and feel joyful and to feel free and then hit a wall of memories or (even more frightening) brand new, positive feelings. New places and experiences can be scary and cause uncertainty. But if I keep my eyes focused on the destination, heavenward ~ I know that I will find the pit stops don't hurt quite as much with each day that I travel toward "Jeruselem".

With God's help I will keep my eyes on the prize - "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" Philippians 3:14 Heavenward is a forward gear - not reverse!

Lord, I come before you again today asking for your help. I am having a hard time focusing on the goal - setting my face toward heaven. Please forgive me for getting weighed down again in failure, the pain of the past, and dragging with me the bloody memories of the little girl that was run over by life. Lord, each time a new memory overtakes me, help me to look to Your healing heart and move forward - even though it is so tiring. Anger is my greatest enemy. Lord, I give that anger to You. You are a just and merciful God and I leave judgement in Your hands. Help me to learn to forgive as I was forgiven. ~ In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

The Music Around Us

God's glory is all around us. The world is full of music and hums with joy.
"At his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD." Psalm 27:6
I found the movie August Rush inspiring ~ music everywhere - even in the darkest, busiest places. Below the August Rush film clips is a clip of a baby picking up on the rhythm of life!

Woman at the Well

Jesus knew the woman at the well. To her, being really seen ~ was frightening but also a blessing. Jesus saw past the sin and loved the real person - the inner being.

"To be known is to be loved..." He really sees me - as I am, and yet he does not ignore me but instead He loves me. "To be known is to be loved" - without honestly looking at myself, without opening up completely so that all can see - well, "to be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known":

He Is With You

"The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are open to their prayers." I Peter 3:11
This is a wonderful song that helped me today. The pain seems unbearable, so I take medication and then feel like a failure, like I can't even breath and walk without getting help. I thank God for his love and the messages of hope and courage that songs like this give. The are inspired by God and His love for us...