Giant Steps of Faith
How can I ever compare my earthly battle with any of the martyrs in the New Testament? And yet - for me the battle is so real, so depressing, and so hard. It is a struggle of life versus death. I know my life was or is not hard compared to others. However, as long as I can remember, death was a dream wished for; an escape prayed for. My early dreams were full of a sweet, dark cave of death where I could hide; where the talking, the brain washing, the overwhelming fear and control of abusers would be silenced forever. For many years (and even recently) I doubted God's existence and His love. Why did he not answer my plea to die at age 8, age 10, age 11, etc.? Through all this despair, all the darkness - God sent light - at just the right time ~ a kind voice of reason, a gently touch from a friend or relative, and therapists who saw beyond the depression to the real problem. I was and am - a work in progress - a broken clay vessel being filled - a building being constructed.
"Take a good hard look at Jesus. He's the centerpiece of everything we believe, faithful in everything God gave him to do. Moses was also faithful, but Jesus gets far more honor. A builder is more valuable than a building any day. Every house has a builder, but the Builder behind them all is God. ... Christ as Son is in charge of the house. Now, if we can only keep a firm grip on this bold confidence, we're the house! ....So watch your step, friends. Make sure there's no evil unbelief lying around that will trip you up and throw you off course, diverting you from the living God." Heb. 3 (various verses)
As a building - I am nothing compared to the builder - Christ. For me it is the hardest thing in the world to tear down the old house, the old self that was built in my childhood and then continued in a disfunctional marriage. It seems impossible to get past the walls plastered with morbid lies, the fearful foundation laid by a parent who could not impart love physically or emotionally. That is why the scriptures above and below help me, encourage me and guide me.
"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat—I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. " Luke 9:23-24 ~ Message or NIV: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me".
These scriptures help me see that what is important in my daily struggle - is not the shape of the building but who the builder is. As long as I am stepping out on faith, taking up my cross and following Christ - no one can judge the shape of my building! My building - my life - it might never look "normal" to some people - my faith might look weak and incomplete. But for me getting up in the morning and stepping out of bed is a giant step of faith. It is taking up my cross and fighting the dark thoughts and voices that echo in my brain. Breathing in and out on some days takes a hundred tears but I believe in Christ and I move forward. Those giant steps ~ for me take great faith!
Lord, Thank you for the victory that I have in You! Sometimes I forget how much You have accomplished in my life and I forget to praise You. I can do nothing without you ~ even walk! I am sorry, so sorry that I squelch the joy in my heart by an ungrateful attitude. Lord, so many people are hurting today emotionally and physically. Please give them peace. Oh, Lord, come quickly! However, if that is not to be, help me serve You faithfully with all my strength until You come. Help me reach out to others and serve you daily. In Christ, my Saviors name I pray, Amen.
