Bad Choices

Bad Choices

It has been one of those days again! I start praying and wanting to do the Lord's will, eat correctly and healthy but the need becomes overwhelming and I am drawn away from doing what I know is right. I tell myself, "It's OK to go to the grocery store. You really do need to buy a few things". But down underneath the "reasoning" is the real truth - I am hungry for something that will make me feel better or just "feel" or as it was today - not feel anything at all. I get to the store and I tell myself that I will just stay on the aisles that have healthy food - just get in and get out. But it never works and the rationalizing begins... "oh, it won't hurt to have just a little..."

Marie T. Freeman once said, "No matter how many books you read, no matter how many schools you attend, you're never really wise until you start making wise choices."

So once again I go to God's word... James 1:5 (above) gives me hope but verse James 1:6 says, "But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind". The Word cuts like a sharp sword - it gives me such hope and purpose but it also sends the light of truth straight through to my heart and soul. Each time it does this - each time the truth really catches me with its spotlight, I curl up in a ball in bed and cry (if I could fall to my knees I would). The light shines on my sea-sick soul today because this addiction to food is killing me. I can't keep doing this! I am diabetic and I have to get this under control. My membership with Medifast has been "frozen" because of all the tests and my lack of balance. Perhaps I need to activate it again. But I want my health to improve and it is an extreme diet.... I will ask my doctor when I see him. Being obese is not helping my health at all!

So I come to God, seeking His forgiveness, seeking His wisdom and guidance... Yahweh - the only search engine I really need in life! "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you!" Matthew 6:33

Lord, I have failed you again. I am committing suicide little by little by eating unhealthy and giving into the "hunger" that becomes my every thought - until it is met. The gratification never lasts long and I am left washed up on the sharp rocks of failure and shame. Just like the disciples at Gethsemane, I have failed to stay alert and guard against temptation. I wanted to do what was right but I was weak and so stupid. Lord how can you put up with my constant failure! I can barely stand to be around me! Please Lord help me remember your love for me ~ when I am tempted again. Help me remember Christ's living, loving, and dieing for my sins. Help me remember the joy of my salvation, my baptism, and the good things that have been given to me. Help me choose wisely as I follow in the footsteps of your only begotten Son. Like him - let me think less of myself and more of others. Keep my hands, mind, and emotions busy in the service of my Lord and King. In His name I plead, Amen.