Season of Loss: The Journey Begins Again

A Season of Loss

It has been a long time since I have visited the Corner. It has been a season of loss for me. The list is long and painful: loss of health, livelihood, dreams for the future, home, belongings, etc. Through these months ~ a dark journey has taken place and it has taken all my energy not to give up. Friends said and did inappropriate things (like Job's friends of old). Professional "helpers" were contracted to improve my home and they took my money instead.

A long stay in the hospital has turned my successful weight loss into a thing of the past. I was almost off my blood pressure and blood sugar medications. One of the new prescription medications I was on - turned toxic in my body. I went into the hospital with a failing liver and Stevens-Johnson syndrome which led to my skin sliding off my body. The amount of steroids needed to keep me from going into the burn unit ~ well these caused damage to my liver and pancreas. I am now permanently on insulin shots and I am testing 4 to 5 times a day. The carbs that the diabetes center wants me to consume each day is causing weight gain - not weight loss! Even if I lost 100 pounds - I will always be on insulin.

These losses are just the beginning of a long list. I am tired all the time. So many major changes in my life - in a very short time.

Now I live in a one bedroom apartment in a "senior" community. At first my sadness and lack of energy kept me from seeing any blessings in my situation. However, God's plan is beginning to shine through ~ just beginning ~ with little hints of possible ways that I can serve Him in this time of sadness and loss. I live only by prayer right now ~ somewhat afraid of the future.

I have found a new church home and once again I will pray for God's guidance with new relationships and in finding ways to glorify Him (even with my physical limitations).

Announcements of a grief recovery class were handed to me several times during the weeks of garage sales and moving. I am in the second week and I know, with all my heart, that God wanted me to go through the grieving process for ALL my losses before I can be of use to Him or others in the future.

The big revelation from the class this week has shined a bright light on one of the reasons that I have not been able to move past my need for eating when I am angry or frustrated. With each loss of a relationship in my past, I would acknowledge the loss, cry, and just try to forget and move on. I have learned that it takes a little more work than that!

"The degree of loss is not measured only by the loss of the love and companionship with the person that is not in your life anymore, but often in the losses associated with the "roles" that person played in your life. Sometimes the secondary losses are also significant or add many complications to the initial primary loss. The more roles the person filled in your life, the more varied and complicated your adjustment will be. In other words, grief is not merely related to the intensity of love, it is also related to the complexity of your loss. Each role that a person played in your life is, in reality, a separate loss to you."

I have had to drive a great deal back and forth from my old house in Dallas (for sale) and my apartment in west Fort Worth! After each trip, I would be exhausted and angry and longing for sweets! After this week's session in the Grief Recovery class, I realized that my husband had driven places that were frightening to me (like high-fives). He would stay up at night and comfort me when I could not breath. Even though it has been 20 years since that relationship has ended and I had finished the grieving process...I thought ~ I realized this week that I had never grieved over or gotten over the anger caused by specific major changes or losses in my life. It is my nature just to move quickly on and try to forget (also very typical of members of military families). So this grief workshop has helped me see wounded places that need acknowleging and healing. I go to God in prayer for that healing and for help with my new life in a senior community.

Lord, forgive me for my weakness and distress. You are all powerful and awesome in your love and gentleness with me. Let me remember that there is always a balm in Your words and truth. Help me through this time of remembering and working through the pain of past relationships - so that I can live a whole and useful life in Your service and that I can let Your light shine for those that will come into my life in the future. I am not whole and today- as always, I come to you a cracked vessel waiting to have your light shine through my scars and weaknesses. With Christ I can do anything. Forgive my unbelief when I do not live the life of the redeemed. In my glorious Redeemer's name I pray, Amen.