2G = Guilt + Grief

Day Ten & Eleven

I skipped Wednesday. ... ... .... well, Thursday was weigh in day - so needless to say Wednesday was a little rough. I made it through prayer and focusing on other things to do. Wednesday evening I ate more than I wanted to - good things but still more than I had planned. Thursday I had therapy first then went straight to weigh in and get measured and then I went and got a massage. My weightloss couch said that I did great - which is code word for I lost some weight. Since she was the only one in the office - I did not have to deal with office staff and people in the waiting room. Saturdays are not the day to go to Medifast. It is extremely crowded. .... ..... ....

Wednesday night I woke up about 12 times with exhausting dreams about my Dad. One of them went like this: The hospital called saying that I had to get there right away (this had happened many times over the last 6 years). I get in my car in the middle of the night and start driving but I never get there. It begins to rain, the road gets washed out, the detour takes me the opposite direction, and so on... I wake up tired, crying, and feeling guilty that I had not been able to be there to help. Grief hits again. Sometimes I feel guilty that I feel guilty! I am glad that my role as caregiver is over with. That also makes me feel guilty! I am still having to deal with his estate but that will be over with eventually. I know this is all part of the grieving process but is so much work. So I count my blessing that I am now "disabled" and retired. God has not given me something that I cannot bear. If I was having to work, go to physical therapy, and deal with this grief - I think I would have broken down. I care! It is so hard to stop the role of an active caregiver - being responsible for the daily, even hourly needs of someone. Praying as you rush to the hospital becomes part of your life. .... .... ....

My brother also is "disabled" but mentally. For the last 3 days I have had to deal with a new relationship with him based on guilt and grief. Dealing with him sends me into an overwelming need to eat, to numb the pain and confusion; the guilt and grief. He mourns for his past normality. He is so lost in a world of fear and conspiracies. It anger's me that the government will not make him take his medication. Let's just say that knowing that you cannot take care of someone who is unwilling or unable to get the help they need - is sometimes worse than the role of a caregiver. My heart breaks for him. My prayers are heavy with longing for him - he needs peace and to live without his mind full of conspiracies. .... .... ....

An algebra lesson on variables popped into my head this week. Definition of a variable: (1). a quantity that can change or vary, taking on different values (2). a letter or symbol representing a varying quantity. So my daily equation is:

2G = 1Guilt + 1Grief . .... ... ...

The dreams and feelings that are overwhelming me at times about my father are 1 part guilt + 1 part grief. My feelings about my brother are also 2G. Shouldn't I just offer him my home - open my doors to him? But I have been down that road before - during college - I shared a house with him. I had just gone through a divorce after 20 years of marraige and he was desperate, on the road with no car. One of my roommates during that time offered to let him stay in the extra 3rd bedroom with us. I don't remember how long he stayed - maybe it was not long - weeks or months - I just know it was extremely hard to deal with. That I don't remember any details of that time must mean that when he was around I disassociated even more.

Now my Dad is dead. My Dad and brother had a co-dependent relationship. My Dad would say "no" but in the end he would give in and give my brother money and let him stay in the house. Dad suffered verbal abuse daily as well as having to hear loud raintings and ravings from downstairs. He moved my brother out countless times but somehow my brother found a way back into the house again and again and before long all of his stuff would be moved downstairs. When the abuse became physical, I stepped in to protect my 85 year old father. That co-dependency would pull on Dad's heartstrings and he had doubts - as my brother pleaded for money, to visit the house, etc. However, the new rule was no contact at the house and a caregiver had to be present when my Dad and brother met. That rule - made and enforced by me - stood until my Dad was on his death bed and could not be hurt again. My brother was allowed to spend the last days of my Dad's life by his bed. Now that my Dad is dead, and I am the trustee of the trust - the authority figure, my brother is transferring that dependency to me. How can I say no? Am I not my brother's keeper? So the guilt and grief mingle. I must say no - if I love him! Without medication, my brother begins to think that I am part of the massive conspiracy and he becomes abusive, accusatory, and sometimes violent. So I email him and tell him - if he gets help and goes on meds - there is a home for him. And I pray. (Dad and I used to talk on the phone every day and my brother was a subject that always came up. We both would sigh and say - all we can do is pray.) ... ... ... ...

When thinking about the unfair, complicated feelings that mental illness in a family system can bring - I think about this daily goal from one check list:

I will delight in the knowledge that we are each created different because it is in our differences we make a more powerful and beautiful whole. We each reflect a different aspect of the mystery of Life and God. Individually and together we are a Masterpiece! .... .... .... ....

Since every year 54 million people are diagnosed with one mental illness or another - seeing the big picture through God's eyes is extremely important. .... .... .... ....

My prayer during these days of confusion brought on by guilt and grief - is to be drawn closer to God - and my mantra is just to take it one step at a time and to breathe...

Lord God, please help me to know what to do with this overwhelming grief and guilt. You are in control and I cannot deal with all the emotions that are swarming around me. I have taken a path toward healing when it comes to my eating compulsions. Please help me to continue that process. I realize that my healing is not happening in a void - that I must learn to live with my life, the death of my Dad, my past abuse, and my mentally ill brother. Lord take control of all of this today. In my Redeemer's name, I pray. Amen.