Lightness of Being

Unbearable Lightness of Being

John 12:46: "I am Light that has come into the world so that all who believe in me won't have to stay any longer in the dark." It has been said that darkness conceals reality but lightness exposes it. I am finding that exposing my life to "reality" or living each moment "real" is painful, exhausting work! I find myself needing to numb the pain with eating and when that does not work - eating again. The true reality is that there is no hope, no life in the darkness of my old habits. The only hope I have is through Jesus, the light of the world.

Psalm 80's refrain: "Restore us, O God of hosts; let your face shine, that we may be saved!" Jesus was the Light of the world and I can't move forward and conquer my old life of sin, of over eating and pain - I can't do it without Jesus lighting the way. John 1:4-5: "The Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone.⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it."

C.S. Lewis wrote an allegory ~ The Great Divorce. It is about the choices people make which ultimately mean heaven or hell. "Will you come with me to the mountains? It will hurt at first, until your feet are hardened. Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows." The person that was asked this question in the book wanted "assurances or guarantees". As the journey led to the mountain, the blades of grass were so beautiful that they were sharp like shards of glass, the sound of singing was so beautiful that it hurt the ears of those that were not used to it. Others ghosts wanted to go back to a dark, "safe" place where the painful light and sounds were muted. They had a choice of spending eternity praising God and basking in the glorious light or going back to the "controlled" sinful habits that they were used to. Some actually said, "Who wants to be rescued?" They did not desire it if it meant leaving their lives behind. One artist asked where all the distinguised people were. The answer was:"Don't you understand? The Glory flows into everyone, and back from everyone: like light and mirrors.

But the Light's the important thing."

Lord, illuminate my life with your unquenchable love and hope. Help me to focus on your light because all darkness and fear flees when your light shines on my heart. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

100% Cloud Cover

100% Cloud Cover

Today, once again, I search for the right path, the correct way to behave, the right thing to say. I used to spend so much time thinking about food, dreaming about food, numbing out with food.... There is more time to be "real" now, more time. That is a scary thought! I am reminded of the Israelites that were slaves and then had freedom. What did they do when they had the whole world ahead of them and freedom waiting to be grasp? They wanted to go back into the "security" of slavery. So God gave them something to do. They gathered manna, they got organized, and then they built a place for the presence of God - a place for God to dwell while He was with them.

"Then the cloud covered the Meeting Tent, and the glory of the Lord filled the Holy Tent..... When the cloud rose from the Holy Tent, the Israelites would begin to travel,³⁷ but as long as the cloud stayed on the Holy Tent, they did not travel. They stayed in that place until the cloud rose. ³⁸ So the cloud of the Lord was over the Holy Tent during the day, and there was a fire in the cloud at night. So all the Israelites could see the cloud while they traveled." Exodus 40:24-38

With God as their guide there was no doubt about which path to take or where they would go. They simple had to follow. He was not distant, but an ever-present guide and companion. Their job was to exercise their faith, be patient, and be ready to follow when the cloud lifted. I need to remember that God is the same as yesterday. He has given me His Holy Spirit to guide me on this journey - this new life of freedom and choices. He asks me to trust Him and have faith.

Lord God Almighty, help me to willingly wait for Your timing and to be ready to go at Your command. Lord, help me to hold up Your Son's life as a mirror, as a map. Give me strength for the journey and let Your words be the food that gives me strength each day. Just like the Israelites brought idols with them - hidden away, I have my addiction to food and the voices from abusers ringing in my ears. The addiction slows me down and blocks me from seeing You and the voices from my past lie and spread anger and hate. Help me to be truly free of these things and to look only at Your holy presence. Lord, I can never thank you enough for sending Your Son as a sacrifice, so the veil could be torn and I could freely come, cleansed and forgiven into Your Holy presence. You are worthy to be praised! In Jesus - the High Priest's name, in Christ - my Redeemer's name ~ I plead for Your daily guidance, Amen.

Center Stage

Center Stage

Paul was sitting in a Roman prison praying for God's people in the city of Ephesus:

^" I have not stopped thanking God for you. I pray for you constantly, asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.

I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms." Eph. 1:17-20

This prayer goes out to the struggling christians in Asia Minor (now Turkey) and it also applies to me today. It is a prayer full of light and God's promises for me. Paul wants God to be center stage in my heart and he prays that the curtains of doubt be opened wide, the flood light be focused on the glory of God, so that I can have confident hope! With this knowledge and truth comes understanding of just how great the power of God is. This scripture always gives me a "light bulb" moment! Well, today, once again this scripture helps me, inspires me, and reminds me of God's promise for my life. In Phil. 1:6, I am reminded that:

"...God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."

I might not feel as if any good can come from my past life. I might not feel like I will ever, ever be whole and healthy. I might not understand, minute by minute, how God will make my life complete. But I have faith in God's power to conquer death and I have faith in His power to change my life. Do I always feel empowered? No, not always. The scriptures help me to open the curtains when things are dark and the words of truth shine the flood lights on Christ - not on me.

"Seek the Kingdom of God

^{above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Mathew 6:33}

So much of my past is coming forward to block my eyes, my mind, my heart from God's glory and His help in my life today. I have been on my diet, my personal "fast" for over three weeks now. In so many ways I am being set free from darkness but I still need to uncover more to see things clearly and to put every part of my life and path into the bright glory of the Lord's light.

"...the Lord's Spirit sets us free. So our faces are not covered. They show the bright glory of the Lord, as the Lord's Spirit makes us more and more like our glorious Lord." 2 Cor. 3:17-18

So with the Lord's help I will continue to eat right, eat healthy. Keeping a diet log, or diet journal sheds light on my daily path. Nothing is hidden from God, not even the food that I eat in the night. There is also no shame in the illuminated path toward the bright glorious body the Lord has ready for me. I might not get there on earth but that glory is around the corner. I have a promise that I will begin to "mirror" that glory, more and more each day while I am here on this earth. I hold onto that thought and that hope as I continue on my journey and quest for healthy living and eating.

Lord, once again I come to you, drawn by the light of Your words and promises. Thank you for all that you are showing me about my life and my past. It is not easy to shine the light on my shameful habits and past mistakes. My body is evidence of the dark days and the stretch marks tell a tale of diets started and stopped, and they are a testimony of my life of despair without you. Thank you for the hope that I now have in You. Keep my eyes on Your glory. In Christ's name I pray pleading, Amen.

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Jungle Out There

Day Eight & Nine

Monday and Tuesday flew by! Monday was physical therapy and then my caregiver/helper came by to work. I had made flyers to put up at Dallas Baptist University for roommates so we headed there to put them up. Because I am now on disability, I must take in roommates to help pay the mortgage. I took the wheelchair hoping to cruise around the campus and get some fresh air. It was a hilly campus and not as handicapped friendly as I thought. So I ended up hanging out in the car while Renee put up most of the signs. Then we went to Walmart and I did use my electric wheelchair. It is so easy to use and I spent too much time shopping. I was able to shop for food that will work well with the Medifast diet. We did not get home until almost rush hour. When Renee left I rested and went to bed early. Tuesday we worked on putting away boxes and items in my bedroom and put up drapes. When I moved into the house I nailed a bedspread over the bedroom window. It looks good now and the bedroom has been swept for the first time in a while. After I shattered my leg last October, the christian caregiver that I hired stole $4000 from my bank account and I had not had help since January. I did the best I could to keep things picked up and put away. Then my father's strokes and death happened in April and I brought boxes and boxes of paperwork and valuables home, where they have been left sitting for months. A friends came over after lunch today and helped clear out most of the old boxes out of the garage. What a blessing!

Dieting ~ well the last two days have been good. I am recording what I am eating and keeping busy or resting. Keeping busy is important and evenings are the hardest time of day. The cravings come hard and heavy ~ especially when all the commercials on TV are about food! There is one that is playing now from an ice cream store. They just shout the words ice cream, cake, ice cream, cake, ~ over and over again while showing flashes of ice cream and cake. Normally this wouldn't even tempt me but I was ready to get out into the car and drive there!

I am thankful for every minute that God helps me get through without falling into despair or pigging out. He is my only strength. I have been reading Max Lucado's book "Traveling Light, Releasing the burdens you were never intended to bear ~ the Promise of Psalm 23". In the chapter "It's a jungle out there" he talks about Psalm 23:3 ~ "He restores my soul." The book reminded me of several scriptures. In II Peter 2:11 "...you are like foriegners and strangers in this world". And also God encouraging me to lift my eyes from the jungle of temptations, fears, and hopelessness in Col. 3:2 ~ "Don't shuffle along, eyes on the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ... see things from His perspective."

One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 121 ~ "I lift my eyes to the hills - Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth...The Lord will keep you from all harm - He will watch over your life." So as I go through these days, struggling minute by minute to do what is right, to conquer fears and memories, and to forge new habits ~ I will try to remember who is watching over my whole life.

Lord God Almighty, thank you for another few days of help as I try to eat healthy. I am such a habit-bound, compulsive eater. My sin is ever before me and I feel like I am lost in a jungle of emotions. Help me find a lighted path to your salvation. I know that this will only happen when I follow Jesus, my Redeemer, my life. It is in His name I pray for mercy today, Amen.