Season of Loss: The Journey Begins Again

A Season of Loss

It has been a long time since I have visited the Corner. It has been a season of loss for me. The list is long and painful: loss of health, livelihood, dreams for the future, home, belongings, etc. Through these months ~ a dark journey has taken place and it has taken all my energy not to give up. Friends said and did inappropriate things (like Job's friends of old). Professional "helpers" were contracted to improve my home and they took my money instead.

A long stay in the hospital has turned my successful weight loss into a thing of the past. I was almost off my blood pressure and blood sugar medications. One of the new prescription medications I was on - turned toxic in my body. I went into the hospital with a failing liver and Stevens-Johnson syndrome which led to my skin sliding off my body. The amount of steroids needed to keep me from going into the burn unit ~ well these caused damage to my liver and pancreas. I am now permanently on insulin shots and I am testing 4 to 5 times a day. The carbs that the diabetes center wants me to consume each day is causing weight gain - not weight loss! Even if I lost 100 pounds - I will always be on insulin.

These losses are just the beginning of a long list. I am tired all the time. So many major changes in my life - in a very short time.

Now I live in a one bedroom apartment in a "senior" community. At first my sadness and lack of energy kept me from seeing any blessings in my situation. However, God's plan is beginning to shine through ~ just beginning ~ with little hints of possible ways that I can serve Him in this time of sadness and loss. I live only by prayer right now ~ somewhat afraid of the future.

I have found a new church home and once again I will pray for God's guidance with new relationships and in finding ways to glorify Him (even with my physical limitations).

Announcements of a grief recovery class were handed to me several times during the weeks of garage sales and moving. I am in the second week and I know, with all my heart, that God wanted me to go through the grieving process for ALL my losses before I can be of use to Him or others in the future.

The big revelation from the class this week has shined a bright light on one of the reasons that I have not been able to move past my need for eating when I am angry or frustrated. With each loss of a relationship in my past, I would acknowledge the loss, cry, and just try to forget and move on. I have learned that it takes a little more work than that!

"The degree of loss is not measured only by the loss of the love and companionship with the person that is not in your life anymore, but often in the losses associated with the "roles" that person played in your life. Sometimes the secondary losses are also significant or add many complications to the initial primary loss. The more roles the person filled in your life, the more varied and complicated your adjustment will be. In other words, grief is not merely related to the intensity of love, it is also related to the complexity of your loss. Each role that a person played in your life is, in reality, a separate loss to you."

I have had to drive a great deal back and forth from my old house in Dallas (for sale) and my apartment in west Fort Worth! After each trip, I would be exhausted and angry and longing for sweets! After this week's session in the Grief Recovery class, I realized that my husband had driven places that were frightening to me (like high-fives). He would stay up at night and comfort me when I could not breath. Even though it has been 20 years since that relationship has ended and I had finished the grieving process...I thought ~ I realized this week that I had never grieved over or gotten over the anger caused by specific major changes or losses in my life. It is my nature just to move quickly on and try to forget (also very typical of members of military families). So this grief workshop has helped me see wounded places that need acknowleging and healing. I go to God in prayer for that healing and for help with my new life in a senior community.

Lord, forgive me for my weakness and distress. You are all powerful and awesome in your love and gentleness with me. Let me remember that there is always a balm in Your words and truth. Help me through this time of remembering and working through the pain of past relationships - so that I can live a whole and useful life in Your service and that I can let Your light shine for those that will come into my life in the future. I am not whole and today- as always, I come to you a cracked vessel waiting to have your light shine through my scars and weaknesses. With Christ I can do anything. Forgive my unbelief when I do not live the life of the redeemed. In my glorious Redeemer's name I pray, Amen.

The Divine Element: The Basics of Life

Giant Steps of Faith

Giant Steps of Faith

How can I ever compare my earthly battle with any of the martyrs in the New Testament? And yet - for me the battle is so real, so depressing, and so hard. It is a struggle of life versus death. I know my life was or is not hard compared to others. However, as long as I can remember, death was a dream wished for; an escape prayed for. My early dreams were full of a sweet, dark cave of death where I could hide; where the talking, the brain washing, the overwhelming fear and control of abusers would be silenced forever. For many years (and even recently) I doubted God's existence and His love. Why did he not answer my plea to die at age 8, age 10, age 11, etc.? Through all this despair, all the darkness - God sent light - at just the right time ~ a kind voice of reason, a gently touch from a friend or relative, and therapists who saw beyond the depression to the real problem. I was and am - a work in progress - a broken clay vessel being filled - a building being constructed.

"Take a good hard look at Jesus. He's the centerpiece of everything we believe, faithful in everything God gave him to do. Moses was also faithful, but Jesus gets far more honor. A builder is more valuable than a building any day. Every house has a builder, but the Builder behind them all is God. ... Christ as Son is in charge of the house. Now, if we can only keep a firm grip on this bold confidence, we're the house! ....So watch your step, friends. Make sure there's no evil unbelief lying around that will trip you up and throw you off course, diverting you from the living God." Heb. 3 (various verses)
As a building - I am nothing compared to the builder - Christ. For me it is the hardest thing in the world to tear down the old house, the old self that was built in my childhood and then continued in a disfunctional marriage. It seems impossible to get past the walls plastered with morbid lies, the fearful foundation laid by a parent who could not impart love physically or emotionally. That is why the scriptures above and below help me, encourage me and guide me.

"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat—I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. " Luke 9:23-24 ~ Message or NIV: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me".

These scriptures help me see that what is important in my daily struggle - is not the shape of the building but who the builder is. As long as I am stepping out on faith, taking up my cross and following Christ - no one can judge the shape of my building! My building - my life - it might never look "normal" to some people - my faith might look weak and incomplete. But for me getting up in the morning and stepping out of bed is a giant step of faith. It is taking up my cross and fighting the dark thoughts and voices that echo in my brain. Breathing in and out on some days takes a hundred tears but I believe in Christ and I move forward. Those giant steps ~ for me take great faith!

Lord, Thank you for the victory that I have in You! Sometimes I forget how much You have accomplished in my life and I forget to praise You. I can do nothing without you ~ even walk! I am sorry, so sorry that I squelch the joy in my heart by an ungrateful attitude. Lord, so many people are hurting today emotionally and physically. Please give them peace. Oh, Lord, come quickly! However, if that is not to be, help me serve You faithfully with all my strength until You come. Help me reach out to others and serve you daily. In Christ, my Saviors name I pray, Amen.

Peter said, "No! Lord."

Peter Said "No"!

God had things in motion. Salvation was finally going to be sent out to Gentiles. Cornelius, a respected Roman soldier, was waiting for God to send a messenger, Peter. But when God talked to Peter in a vision, Peter said "No, Lord!" to God's command. I am sure he was very confused. God himself had given the laws about eating unclean animals but the vision was not about killing and eating animals. It was God showing Peter that the old laws were gone and the new law meant breaking bread with the "unclean" Gentiles. So even though Peter said "No, Lord!", God's plan would not be stopped.

Corrie ten Boom wrote: " Peter said, "No, Lord!" But he had to learn that one cannot say "No" while saying "Lord" and that one cannot say "Lord" while saying "No". This quote really struck me last night as I was reading a book of devotional lessons and prayers for women. Why? Because for as long as I can remember, no - was the word echoing in my mind ~ for as long as I can recall. While I was proclaiming aloud, "Yes, mam. Yes, sir." ~ the loud chiming of "NO! NO! NO!" rang in my ears, deep in my mind. The sound was deafening and it blocked me from a normal life. It blocked love from coming completely in and it blocked me from loving and trusting others freely. The knelling would start anytime relationships became close, "No one can be trusted! No, they will hurt you! No, you are not worthy of love!"

When I read the quote from Corrie ten Boom last night, I first thought about her life and how much I have respected her sacrifice over the years and how I have cherished her writings and wisdom. Even in the Nazi concentration camp, Ravensbruck, she continued to say "Yes, Lord" when she could have said no to the horror, the daily suffering, the death of loved ones.... My mind would have gone into numb mode, disassociating from reality and "No! No! No! Dear God No!" would be coming out of my heart, mind, and mouth. Then I remembered some of Corrie ten Booms other words:

"We are not called to be burden-bearers, but cross-bearers and light bearers. We must cast our burdens on the Lord."... " Worry does not enable us to escape evil; it makes us unfit to cope with it when it comes." ..." Every experience God gives us, every person he brings into our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only he can see." ...." When God allows extraordinary trials for His people, He prepares extraordinary comforts for them." " There is nothing anybody else can do that can stop God from using us. We can turn everything into a testimony."

"All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too. ...Whatever God has promised gets stamped with the Yes of Jesus. In him, this is what we preach and pray, the great Amen, God's Yes and our Yes together, gloriously evident. God affirms us, making us a sure thing in Christ, putting his Yes within us. By his Spirit he has stamped us with his eternal pledge—a sure beginning of what he is destined to complete." 2 Corinthians 1: 3-5; 20-22

Wow! These scriptures help me so much! Even though terrible things happen - things that make the heart curl up and scream "No! Please God, no!", God still counsels me with a healing affirmation and places His "Yes" within me. Now I look back at the little girl that I was, who screamed no to God. She survived, hidden away - disassociated from the harsh, real world. Yet, that little girl was stamped with Yes!

It is the eternal pledge of God that my life and my end will not be a sad, frightened "No" but a new glorious life and in the end, a last peaceful, joyous "Yes".

Lord, thank you so much for your word, your promises. Without it I would be lost and afraid every day. Forgive my lack of faith when I get caught up in the pain and horror of this earthly life. That you have provided a purpose filled life for me that is stamped with your affirming "Yes" - it is too much to take in! Thank you Lord for salvation through Christ, your Son. How can I keep from singing your praise and joining in the chorus of "Yes". Help me to focus on the "Yes" and go, like Peter, to places unfamiliar, places that might be new and a little frightening. Through Christ I make this request: keep guiding me, keep counseling me, help me see the yes and not the no.... Amen

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Cor. 3:18

Infinitely Rewarding Task

Infinitely Rewarding Task

God is good! He is providing the Dallas area with a steady, cool spring rain. This has enabled me to surround myself with a heating pad, warm blanket and the Word of God today~Sunday. I would rather be out with other christians, singing His praise but the pain is too great this morning. It is possible that I will be able to get out later. In the mean time I am blessed with the infinitely rewarding task of seeking God. This is my main goal in life ~ my main task. Sometimes this makes life difficult but it is a goal with infinite possibilities and unlimited blessings. God's love for me is endless, His plan for my good is filled with boundlessness!

"Save me! I'm all yours. I look high and low for your words of wisdom.
The wicked lie in ambush to destroy me, but I'm only concerned with your plans for me. I see the limits to everything human,but the horizons can't contain your commands! Oh, how I love all you've revealed; I reverently ponder it all the day long." Psalm 119:94-97

My greatest escape, the most soothing pain relief in my past ~ was always chocolate. Sometimes every breath I take, every spasm of pain calls out for sweets. This method of pain control, this habit is like a wicked beast waiting to ambush me and destroy the new person who God is forming each day. God's words of love, His promises are taking the place of that dreadful habit. The story of Jesus and His love for me helps: that old, old story that is the main thread of the Bible; how I was lost and sinful and God, in His love planned for my salvation through the generations of Abraham. God's promise throughout the ages, through Israel, was a Savior, a King that can rule my heart now, and for eternity. Without Christ ~ there is no hope of salvation.

"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life" Rev. 21:6

So I will continue reading God's word today, listen to songs praising Him for His boundless, endless, infinite love.

Dear Lord, I cannot fathom Your endless glory, Your boundless love for me! Forgive my blindness, my limited view, my sinful nature and stuborn mind. Everywhere around me the universe sings Your praise but so much of the time I only feel and see my life, my pain. Open my eyes to Your glory and your promises. Thank You for Your guidance today and every day. In my Redeemer's name I pray, Amen.

Let the Rains Begin!

Let the Rains Begin!

Good news always feels like a shower from heaven! Most of my test results are in and they say I have not had a stroke and my cardiac tests came back normal. Deut. 11:13-14 says: "From now on if you listen obediently to the commandments that I am commanding you today, love God, your God, and serve him with everything you have within you, he'll take charge of sending the rain at the right time..."

I am feeling a little better but the pain in my lower back and right hip is still there and it has been there for the last three months. Yesterday I had an MRI taken by a back doctor and I will find out the results next week. I feel like loosing weight has helped so much. I need to ignore the voices from the past that say, "Give up! You have ruined your body and now, no matter what you do, you will die soon." Then the temptation to eat sweets increases because the "what's the use" monster is lurking around every corner of my mind. I have to remind my self that there is hope and joy for the hurting. God promised this again and again in His word. "Don't be sad, because the joy of the Lord will make you strong" Nehemiah 8:10

"If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." John 15:10-12

As Pollyanna said in the Disney movie, "There are 826 happy texts in the Bible".

So today I will focus on those things ~ "I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." Phil. 4:8-9

Dear Lord, thank you so much for the good news I received from the doctors. Help me realize that I am already dead ~ to sin, to death, to dispair. Help me focus on the new life you give me every day and the hope and joy of life eternal with you. Lord, how can I every praise you enough for this fantastic gift of grace? Your love surrounds me tonight and comforts me. Even if sleep does not come because of pain ~ I thank you for your words that rain comfort on my dry and thristy soul. In Christ's name I pray this prayer, Amen.

"You always show me the path that leads to life. You will fill me with joy when I am with you. You will give me endless pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:11

Issues

Issues

Every time I turn on the TV or read a newspaper I am overwhelmed by the anger, frustration, and disgust that is present there. This chaos of voices and endless arguments leaves a stain, a blot on my day. Instead of walking in God's love, peace and hope, the path of politics and issues leads to despair. For many years I just ignored any voice filled with fear and anger, I would not look at anyone with a face constipated with rage. I was raised surrounded with opinionated, judgemental people and I was not going to listen at all!

Then I read a quote by Jack Exum, "Issues come and go. How you handle the issue, is the real issue." Amen!

In John 8, Jesus was surrounded by swarms of people. He was trying to teach them the basics of life ~ what really mattered. "The religion scholars and Pharisees led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery. They stood her in plain sight of everyone and said, "Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?.....Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, "The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone. .... Jesus once again addressed them: I am the world's Light. No one who follows me stumbles around in the darkness. I provide plenty of light to live in."

The Pharisees wanted to side track Jesus from his main message of love and forgiveness, of being a servant instead of a master. It is not the issues of our day that should be our focus; healthcare reform, abortion, right versus left, etc. Jesus is pointing to a way past the chaos, beyond the "issue" or all the arguing about laws. The law of love reigns when Jesus, the Light of the world leads the way. All the issues become clearer and anger, arguing, and hatred fall back into the shadows. Love is the answer, for God is love and the first commandments must be followed first: Love God and then love your neighbor.

Paul speaks to Romans and to us today: "If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don't take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get bossy; if you're put in charge, don't manipulate; if you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face. Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality. Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody. " (Romans 12 - The Message)

Dear Lord, I am confused by politics and the chaos and fear that spread more and more each day around me. Since my health is not the best, the healthcare debate is very upsetting and causes me to worry about my future. Lord help me remember that you are in control. Help me focus on voices filled with love and the light of Your grace. I have been blessed to live in a country where I have a voice and a vote. Help me to see past the red faces and raised voices. You cause nations to fall and raise them up. Forgive me when I doubt your mighty hand and loving plan for my life and my country. In Christ, I pray this prayer, Amen.

Firm Foundation

Firm Foundation
Today was a day of doctor visits, specialists in their field. Last night it was hard to sleep, hard to breath in and out. Test results, more tests to take, and more pain seem to be my future. Numbing the fear by eating mindlessly has been my solution most of my life. Changing that behavior is so difficult. For most of my life I have been surrounded by people who base their perceptions, their truths on fear. Their life is based in judging others so that they can feel safe. Truth, love, and forgiveness is not part of their foundation. I pray for them every day but I have to move forward with my life. When it comes to my disfunctional family, I share Paul's wish:

Col. 2:2"I want their hearts to be made cheerful and strong. I want them to be joined together in love. Then their understanding will be rich and complete. "
As for my own personal fears about my health and my future ~ well, I have always dreamed and longed for a "home". Perhaps this is because I was a military kid or perhaps it is because home was never a safe place to exist. Maybe that is why I love the scriptures about "building" a life or making a home. 1 John4:17-18, "God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love. (The Message)"

Forming a strong foundation of love for my life is a goal I am working on every day. I have been crippled in more ways than one but when love runs freely throughout my heart, then freedom from worry is around the corner.

Sometimes humor helps to lighten the fear and make a path for the most important message.

Luke 6: 47-49 "These words I speak to you are not mere additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living. They are foundation words, words to build a life on. If you work the words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who dug deep and laid the foundation of his house on bedrock. When the river burst its banks and crashed against the house, nothing could shake it; it was built to last. But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don't work them into your life, you are like a dumb carpenter who built a house but skipped the foundation. When the swollen river came crashing in, it collapsed like a house of cards. It was a total loss. (The Message)"

Dear Lord, help me tonight to fall asleep without pain pills and without fear of the future. As the river of pain crashes on me with each breath, please Lord hold me with your hand and let my faith stand strong. I am such a weak person but with Your help, I know I can make it through anything that comes my way. Through Christ's name I pray this prayer, Amen.

Gaither "Rock of Ages" :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_ISoPWH5UE

Valentine Heart Mending Journey

Mark 12:30

Love the Lord your God with all your heart

with all your soul

and with all your mind

and with all all your strength. ...

Love your neighbor as yourself...

There is no greater commandment

than these.

If ever there was a man that made this his life's goal -

it was my father.

This year of pain, sorrow, and healing has been

quite a journey.

When it comes to my personal journey through this year of searching and healing -

I have learned that I really don't know much. My faith was tested and all my plans and hopes were changed so quickly. I started gaining weight after my broken leg, being disabled, my father's stroke and hospice and then dealing with relatives and the estate. I had to throw myself on God's mercy and beg for guidance and understanding. I started this blog - seeking a way through my disfunctional eating habits and I continue to seek His truth and direction in my life.

I don't know much

- but I know that I love the Lord with all my heart. I am trying to love Him with all my mind but my past, deep scars, and walls of pain get in the way some days. I love God with all the strength in my crippled body. Loving neighbors and dealing with relationships comes last in the commandments Jesus spoke of.... without the first - loving God, I am not capable of loving others.

I am a work in progress but

all I really need to know is

I love the Lord!

Dear Lord, thank you for your loving, guiding hand in my life. I heard someone at the swimming pool say the words - "I don't know much" and all of sudden I remembered an old song. When I have been bedridden these last three weeks, the song comes to mind and I realize as I scream "Why?" ~ that I don't know much. Lord I only see my small world, my short life. Thank you for bringing this song to my mind ~ one that tied into Christ's words to disbelievers. Lord, I am nothing and all my understanding is worthless unless I can follow the greatest commandment - to love You first and forever with my whole being. Please forgive me when I have been so filled with pain and lost in selfishness - that I have nothing to give to you. Help me realize that all you expect from me during that time is to just love You and to hold on until the pain stops. Forgive me when my faith is weak and my dreams for the future get in the way. Thank you for your Son who showed me that I am lovable and worth saving. With this overwhelming gift of grace, love begins as a seed and is growing and scattering light into the dark shadows of my past and lighting a way through numbness - leading to weightloss. Successful eating, excercise - all of it can only be done if I follow your plan for success. It is in the name of Your glorious Son that I come to you today in prayer, Amen.

Less of Me

Hunger and Thirst

It is one of those days. Nothing seems to keep me from the need to binge. As Christmas approaches, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups dance in my head ~ day and night. What is wrong with me? Well, I know that there is a great deal of emotional stress with this holiday season. It is the first one since my dad's death. I need something to fill in the empty void. I need something to block the feelings that hurt too much. Food has always been my answer.

With God's help and guidance, I have been loosing weight. However, as the holiday season approached, I have become depressed, lost, and failing again when it comes to staying on a diet. I am once again shipwrecked on an island of despair and surrounded by unhealthy "saltwater" to drink. That is all I see! The more you drink saltwater to stop the thirst - the thirstier you get. For me it is not really saltwater - it is sweets. I get so filled with sorrow, memories that are painful, and compulsive thoughts that race around in my head - that I need something else to replace those things. So I fill up on sweets. But like saltwater - one piece of candy is not enough.

I know what I have to do ~ Go to God and His word to fill me up, to replace the need for sweets. Matthew 5:6 says: "Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled." NKJV I really like the Message version of this passage:"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink is the best meal you'll ever eat."

I find it easy to "hunger and thirst for righteousness" and I do have an appetite for God and His love. However, I think there is another step in this process that I do not find easy. I must continually empty myself first before I can be "filled" with His glory. That emptying process is constant and it is very difficult. Sometimes I want to keep what I am used to: abuse, failure, sorrow, scars, and chaos. I must remember the salvation of the Lord. "It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful. If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken." 2 Cor. 4:6-11(Message) So my prayer again today ~ my longing is to be emptied of self; of past abuse, failures, and chaos. Only then can I be filled with God's light and love. I know that if I can do that - I will not be hungry and thirsty again.

Lord God, have mercy on me today! I am caught in a web of poor eating habits and I am trying to break free. Please help me to empty myself of pride, of self, and yes, help me to leave behind the abused little girl. Fill me with your hope and love so that I can set my feet forward on the road to success, when it comes to controlling my eating. You are worthy to be praised for eternity and it is my desire to spend my life singing your praises and spreading the good news of your loving grace. Through Jesus' name, I make this petition, Amen.

Dawn of Resurrected Dreams

Dawn of Resurrected Dreams

How wonderful it must have been to walk with Jesus on this earth, to hear Him answer the Pharasees, to see Him raise the dead! He took the nightmare life that the Jews were living day by day, under the Roman's harsh rule and he awoke the dream of the Kingdom of Heaven that was prophesied. Then the dream turned to nightmare again when Jesus was betrayed, beaten, humiliated, taken before unjust people for a verdict of death, and then killed on a cross. Dawn did not help the followers of Jesus as they huddled around His body and then His tomb. It just brought to light the helplessness of man, the cruel life of slavery to harsh task masters and governments. Then the sun's rays slowly probed the inside of the tomb. The dream was alive, Christ had risen!

"A week later the followers were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. The doors were locked, but Jesus came in and stood right in the middle of them. He said, "Peace be with you." Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here, and look at my hands. Put your hand here in my side. Stop being an unbeliever and believe."Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!" Then Jesus told him, "You believe because you see me. Those who believe without seeing me will be truly blessed." John 20:26-29

So I am the one left behind without "seeing". With each new dawn, I begin a new day again filled with hope because Jesus is alive. He is alive in my heart, alive to turn my failures into success.

Lord God, thank you for the awesome gift of love and sacrifice! For Christ, to come to earth and live as a human and be tempted like me is so hard to believe. Who could possibly love me that much? Lord, help me to accept Your love with open arms. Forgive me of my sins, my failures because they keep me from seeing your glory, your gift of love. As I start today, trying once again to control my eating and trying to fight off the temptation to run toward food so that I can "feel good" ~ please Lord, remind me again of your love for me. Help me to remember the risen Savior who died for me. Through His name I pray today, Amen.

Unclean Redeemed

Unclean Redeemed

Have you ever felt invisible? There are times when I feel like people don't see me - the real me. There are many times when obesity = invisibility. Those people who do look at me for just a second and then quickly look away are probably thinking, "Boy, I'm glad I don't look like that!" I sat in the back of many a church assembly and watched people greet and visit members and guests around them. What I have noticed and what research shows, people gravitate toward physically attractive people. Those that are obese but dress to the nines and are cheerful are included more readily. For those of us who are obese the following facts and examples hit too close to home:

"Clear discrimination against overweight people has been documented in three areas: education, health care, and employment. The reason for this appears to be very strong anti-fat attitudes. For example, 28% of teachers in one study said that becoming obese is the worst thing that can happen to a person; 24% of nurses said they are 'repulsed' by obese persons; and, controlling for income and grades, parents provide less college support for their overweight children than for their thin children. "(from Stigma and Discrimination in Weight Loss Management by Dr. Kelly Brownell) http://naafaonline.com%20(the/ following links are film clips of two models that dressed as size 22 women and how they were treated. Clip #1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE1Z-si4skY Clip #2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2SBKdik_gc Clip #3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3X031RoEZvw )

Why do I bring all this up? Several reasons. Today I was sitting in services next to someone larger than myself and I was wishing that I was somewhere else. I wanted to be included in the crowds of people who were "seen". I wanted to distance myself from those that were obese and even from myself - distance myself from my own body. Then I remembered the parable of the Samaritan. "When he saw the man's condition, his heart went out to him". The priest and the Levite "saw" the man but did nothing - the injured man was invisible. The hero of this story was considered unclean, unredeemable, and despised by the Jews who were hearing the story. Jesus taught compassion and humility by making the hero of the story someone who knew what it felt like to feel invisible.

Where do I see myself in this story? I am the person beaten and left for dead in my sin, confusion, and despair. However, as the Lord has lifted me up, starting the healing process, and given me some success with weightloss - every once in a while, I also see myself as someone who wants to travel on the other side of the path from the abused and beaten; someone who wants to walk with the "normal looking" crowd, say a quick hello and then run past the complex, time consuming problems of the invisible obese, elderly, poor, or downtrodden in the congregation. When I feel this way, I give myself a good kick and remember that God saw me when I was down and out. He loved and accepted me ~ as I was ~ obese and discouraged. I pray that I can get past this fog of sin and disfunctional way of seeing the world and love myself and others as He loved me. I Cor. 13:12 "We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!"

Sarah said in Gen. 16, "You're the God who sees me! "Yes! He saw me; and then I saw him!"

"We love each other because He first loved us"

I John 4:19.

Dear Lord, Please help me today to trust in You for my deliverance from obesity. I know that I cannot loose weight without your help. There are too many failures weighing me down and I am so used to the ditch where life has left me to cry in pain. You are my only help Lord! You have forgiven my sins, washed me white as snow, and now it is my turn to help others. Lord forgive me when I am drawn to the "in" crowd and walk past those who need your love the most. Lord help me walk in Your light and guide me on the path of life. In the name of Christ, the Light of the World, I pray ~ Amen.

To Be Known

Tuning Up

Tuning Up

Jesus loves me unconditionally. Why is that so hard to believe? Is it because the people that were suppose to love me - love the cute baby from birth - just could not show love. If someone doesn't know what unconditional love feels like - how do you recognize it when it is offered? The answers to these questions are still unclear to me. I believe but I pray each day for God to help my unbelief!

"And now I have it all—and keep getting more! ...You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes!" Phil. 18-20. I have to keep reminding myself that Christ accepts me the way I am ~ blind, scarred by life, wounded, and fearful. Charles Stanley puts it this way: " He (God) never expects you to "get good" before you "get God" - There isn't a situation in your life that is beyond His awareness, His concern, and His tender care."

"Then will I go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp,
O God, my God." Psalm 43:4

In my life, I was surrounded by tone deaf musicians of love. The lessons that they taught were warped by fear, anger, and discord. I feel that God is tenderly reteaching me, reworking me into an instrument of joy and love that can, eventually, live a love song of praise to Him. He is the great Maestro, retuning my heart for unconditional love and a joyous celebration of praise.

Lord Father, thank you for Your Son, who gave His life - unconditionally. Take my life and conduct each stanza, each beat. Tune my heartstrings to love as Christ did - unconditionally, sacrificially, with joy and trust. To You be all the glory, and through Christ's name I pray this prayer and sing your praise! Amen.

Truly Lovable

Truly Loveable

Have you ever felt unloved, unlovable? I spent the last part of the week at my Dad's house, getting ready for the final move. After his death we had an estate sale and I knew that there would be unsold items to bring back to Dallas for a second sale. Workers found more than just old boxes of papers in the attic and what was going to be a simple move ended up being a nightmare. Friday they unloaded boxes into every room of my house in Dallas. Even my back patio has stacks of old furniture on it. The unfinished dreams, postponed projects, boxes of personal papers, and more bits of pieces of the past are now ramparts that must be maneuvered as I limp through the house. My electric wheelchair could not take the mess, and is now in need of repair. After all the movers, volunteers, and workers left, I was left alone to deal with this heap. As the quiet settled in and the rain began to fall from a grey sky, I felt so alone, so dejected. The task ahead seemed overwhelming. I thought that I was mostly done going through boxes, filing, shredding, and pricing. It will be another month, at least, before most of this is gone through; another six months before the boxes of papers and old books are sorted. The walls of boxes fence me in but this feeling of abandonment in the face of what seems to be impossible brought back old feelings ~ the feeling of being overwhelmed or surrounded by people that were unable to love me - as I was, as I am. They turned away because it was just too hard a task to deal with all of my unfinished dreams, postponed projects, personal tragedies, and scarred past. Now with a massive globular layer of fat surrounding my body and feeling like my family's past has encased me in boxes ~ I am finding it very hard to count my blessings, very hard to be positive. The weeping starts and will not stop. It is an effort to even breathe. The images and memories brought on by all of the boxes of papers, furniture, and household decorations ~ once again bring sorrow, anger, and so many other feelings. I know the crying is natural during the mourning process and that I am also so very, very tired. So once again I cry out, "Does anyone see me?!? Can anyone love me NOW?!? Can anyone love this mess that I am today?" The answer comes with a whisper and then a shout... ... ...

John 3:16 ~ " For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son". I go to the scriptures that have helped me in the past. ... ... ..."It wasn't so long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin. You let the world, which doesn't know the first thing about living, tell you how to live. .... .... immense in mercy and with an incredible love, He embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did all this on his own, with no help from us! Then he picked us up and set us down in highest heaven in company with Jesus, our Messiah. " Eph. 2:1-6 ... ... ... "God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him" I John 4:19 Once again, God's word to me gets through all the chaos and helps me put what I can't handle aside and focus on what I can do today.

Lord, please keep reminding me of Your place in my heart and in my life. Let Your love reign over me today and fill me with the peace during this time of sorrow and chaos. In my Savior's name, I pray. Amen.

I found Jesus there

I found Jesus there

Here is a story of faith ... ... ...

A surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across from him. "Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart...".
"You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted. The surgeon looked up, annoyed. " I'll cut your heart open," he continued, "to see how much damage has been done...". ....."But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there," the boy insisted.
The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. He talked to them as a family directly, "When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up and I'll plan what to do next." The boy tugged on the coat sleeve of the doctor and said, "But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The Bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart."

The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart. I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels. And I'll find out if I can make you well." The young boy looked at the doctor with serious, faith-filled eyes and said - one last time,"You'll find Jesus there too. He lives there." The surgeon left.

The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery: "...damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration. No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy: painkillers and bed rest. Prognosis: " here he paused, "death within one year."
He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said.
"Why?" he asked aloud. "Why did You do this? You've put him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"
The Lord answered and said, "The boy, My lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is a part of My flock, and will forever be. Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain, and will be comforted as you cannot imagine. His parents will one day join him here, and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to grow. " The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You created that boy, and You created that heart. He'll be dead in months. Why?" The Lord answered quietly, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for he has done his duty: I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb. " The surgeon wept.

The next day, the surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?" "Yes," said the surgeon. "What did you find?" asked the boy."

"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.

-- Author Unknown

Lord God, lead me to the cross every day. Help me to see that without Jesus, without the blood of the Lamb, sin covers my life and soul. Wash me white as snow each day with your light and love. Caste my sins into the deepest part of the ocean. You are worth to be praised! In my Savior's name I pray, Amen.