Giant Steps of Faith

Giant Steps of Faith

How can I ever compare my earthly battle with any of the martyrs in the New Testament? And yet - for me the battle is so real, so depressing, and so hard. It is a struggle of life versus death. I know my life was or is not hard compared to others. However, as long as I can remember, death was a dream wished for; an escape prayed for. My early dreams were full of a sweet, dark cave of death where I could hide; where the talking, the brain washing, the overwhelming fear and control of abusers would be silenced forever. For many years (and even recently) I doubted God's existence and His love. Why did he not answer my plea to die at age 8, age 10, age 11, etc.? Through all this despair, all the darkness - God sent light - at just the right time ~ a kind voice of reason, a gently touch from a friend or relative, and therapists who saw beyond the depression to the real problem. I was and am - a work in progress - a broken clay vessel being filled - a building being constructed.

"Take a good hard look at Jesus. He's the centerpiece of everything we believe, faithful in everything God gave him to do. Moses was also faithful, but Jesus gets far more honor. A builder is more valuable than a building any day. Every house has a builder, but the Builder behind them all is God. ... Christ as Son is in charge of the house. Now, if we can only keep a firm grip on this bold confidence, we're the house! ....So watch your step, friends. Make sure there's no evil unbelief lying around that will trip you up and throw you off course, diverting you from the living God." Heb. 3 (various verses)
As a building - I am nothing compared to the builder - Christ. For me it is the hardest thing in the world to tear down the old house, the old self that was built in my childhood and then continued in a disfunctional marriage. It seems impossible to get past the walls plastered with morbid lies, the fearful foundation laid by a parent who could not impart love physically or emotionally. That is why the scriptures above and below help me, encourage me and guide me.

"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat—I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. " Luke 9:23-24 ~ Message or NIV: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me".

These scriptures help me see that what is important in my daily struggle - is not the shape of the building but who the builder is. As long as I am stepping out on faith, taking up my cross and following Christ - no one can judge the shape of my building! My building - my life - it might never look "normal" to some people - my faith might look weak and incomplete. But for me getting up in the morning and stepping out of bed is a giant step of faith. It is taking up my cross and fighting the dark thoughts and voices that echo in my brain. Breathing in and out on some days takes a hundred tears but I believe in Christ and I move forward. Those giant steps ~ for me take great faith!

Lord, Thank you for the victory that I have in You! Sometimes I forget how much You have accomplished in my life and I forget to praise You. I can do nothing without you ~ even walk! I am sorry, so sorry that I squelch the joy in my heart by an ungrateful attitude. Lord, so many people are hurting today emotionally and physically. Please give them peace. Oh, Lord, come quickly! However, if that is not to be, help me serve You faithfully with all my strength until You come. Help me reach out to others and serve you daily. In Christ, my Saviors name I pray, Amen.

Peter said, "No! Lord."

Peter Said "No"!

God had things in motion. Salvation was finally going to be sent out to Gentiles. Cornelius, a respected Roman soldier, was waiting for God to send a messenger, Peter. But when God talked to Peter in a vision, Peter said "No, Lord!" to God's command. I am sure he was very confused. God himself had given the laws about eating unclean animals but the vision was not about killing and eating animals. It was God showing Peter that the old laws were gone and the new law meant breaking bread with the "unclean" Gentiles. So even though Peter said "No, Lord!", God's plan would not be stopped.

Corrie ten Boom wrote: " Peter said, "No, Lord!" But he had to learn that one cannot say "No" while saying "Lord" and that one cannot say "Lord" while saying "No". This quote really struck me last night as I was reading a book of devotional lessons and prayers for women. Why? Because for as long as I can remember, no - was the word echoing in my mind ~ for as long as I can recall. While I was proclaiming aloud, "Yes, mam. Yes, sir." ~ the loud chiming of "NO! NO! NO!" rang in my ears, deep in my mind. The sound was deafening and it blocked me from a normal life. It blocked love from coming completely in and it blocked me from loving and trusting others freely. The knelling would start anytime relationships became close, "No one can be trusted! No, they will hurt you! No, you are not worthy of love!"

When I read the quote from Corrie ten Boom last night, I first thought about her life and how much I have respected her sacrifice over the years and how I have cherished her writings and wisdom. Even in the Nazi concentration camp, Ravensbruck, she continued to say "Yes, Lord" when she could have said no to the horror, the daily suffering, the death of loved ones.... My mind would have gone into numb mode, disassociating from reality and "No! No! No! Dear God No!" would be coming out of my heart, mind, and mouth. Then I remembered some of Corrie ten Booms other words:

"We are not called to be burden-bearers, but cross-bearers and light bearers. We must cast our burdens on the Lord."... " Worry does not enable us to escape evil; it makes us unfit to cope with it when it comes." ..." Every experience God gives us, every person he brings into our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only he can see." ...." When God allows extraordinary trials for His people, He prepares extraordinary comforts for them." " There is nothing anybody else can do that can stop God from using us. We can turn everything into a testimony."

"All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too. ...Whatever God has promised gets stamped with the Yes of Jesus. In him, this is what we preach and pray, the great Amen, God's Yes and our Yes together, gloriously evident. God affirms us, making us a sure thing in Christ, putting his Yes within us. By his Spirit he has stamped us with his eternal pledge—a sure beginning of what he is destined to complete." 2 Corinthians 1: 3-5; 20-22

Wow! These scriptures help me so much! Even though terrible things happen - things that make the heart curl up and scream "No! Please God, no!", God still counsels me with a healing affirmation and places His "Yes" within me. Now I look back at the little girl that I was, who screamed no to God. She survived, hidden away - disassociated from the harsh, real world. Yet, that little girl was stamped with Yes!

It is the eternal pledge of God that my life and my end will not be a sad, frightened "No" but a new glorious life and in the end, a last peaceful, joyous "Yes".

Lord, thank you so much for your word, your promises. Without it I would be lost and afraid every day. Forgive my lack of faith when I get caught up in the pain and horror of this earthly life. That you have provided a purpose filled life for me that is stamped with your affirming "Yes" - it is too much to take in! Thank you Lord for salvation through Christ, your Son. How can I keep from singing your praise and joining in the chorus of "Yes". Help me to focus on the "Yes" and go, like Peter, to places unfamiliar, places that might be new and a little frightening. Through Christ I make this request: keep guiding me, keep counseling me, help me see the yes and not the no.... Amen

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Cor. 3:18

Pit of Disrepair

A dark pit of failure. Starting the day with plans to eat healthy, follow the program and continuing to loose weight ~ then going out into the world, getting beat up, and coming back home and eating. Stuffing the anger and confusion, the need to fit in, - stuffing it with food. For over 2 months I have been loosing weight - 38 lbs. and over 29 inches. I know it is all God's doing - all His victory.

"When people's steps follow the Lord,
God is pleased with their ways.
²⁴ If they stumble, they will not fall,
because the Lord holds their hand.." Psalm37:23-24

I read this passage and sometimes it doesn't help - I am still confused. I feel like I am in a tail spin - ready to hit bottom - hit it hard. That is what my feelings shout out with every emotional ache of failure. Today, I have to just believe with my mind, my soul - and hope the feelings will change. The Philippians 4 formula usually works and conquers my emotions. "Think on these things....". So this week, today, I will read passages that hold positive promises. Even though I don't feel the Lord's hand holding me - I will envision it there, think about how He showed His love to me thousands of times. I will hold on to God's promises.

Lord God Almighty, I am falling again into failure. Lord, so many controlling, abusive people poured evil thoughts into my mind for decades. All the voices from the past are shouting like loud winds, "You are worthless, you are broken and can't be repaired, you fail at everything, the Body is evil - and you can't control it without our help! God can help but, be practical, listen to us - we know you better." Lord, only Your presence helped me survive the lies and abuse. You held my mind in a secret place, helped me distance myself from the abuse - so that I could survive and learn to live again. Lord, I am hopeless at living a "normal" life. I don't know what to say to people and when I do try to engage in "small talk", I have little to relate to. How much time can someone spend talking about the weather? Lord, guide me in this "maturing" aspect of my life. Help me to know, really know you are with me everywhere. Help me remember that You can shout to the loud winds, "Be still!" and they obey Your commands. I need Your help, every step of my life. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

• Steven Curtis Chapman: Beauty Will Rise - Live ~
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=el-UboNj_nQ

Salvation's Garden without Weeds

Salvation's Garden without the Weeds

I think survivors have layers of healing to deal with. There are times when something someone says or does triggers a part of the mind that has not been healed. "At the right time" God presents a challenge, a memory, a sore spot that needs to be healed - at that time. When this happens, I experience that moment in time as if it were happening again. I am shocked, angered, and worn out by the sharp reality of abuse, family secrets, and lies. I want to deny it all. Denial is the easy road to take. For those people that think that one zap heals all problems ~ that in one second God heals and allows an abused person to walk as a totally whole person - I say - that idea is probably cruel denial on their part. It is easier to deny the amount of work that must be done to heal from years of abuse. God made my mind so wonderfully that it allowed me to "be gone" mentally during years of abuse. If he had not blessed me with such a creative mind - I would have killed myself at age 8 or 9. The memory "switch" doesn't come back on all at once, revealing all the atrocities in the bright light of truth. God is gentle in his healing and kind, he guards and shelters us from those hurts that our minds cannot take in one revelation. He turns on the light with a "dimmer", letting me see what my soul can handle. Emotionally I know that I have to learn to crawl first and then walk before I can run. To expect anyone who comes from an abused background to be healed instantly - to zap the pain away or weight off - is just plain cruel.

You can tell that this is an emotionally charged issue for me. Today at the pool I thought that one lady was declaring that if I only prayed harder and forgive everyone that had ever hurt me - if I followed that quick and easy formula of faith - that complete healing was there for the taking. She asked if I had forgiven my mother. I told her yes. However, as new memories flood over me, as I walk forward into new situations in life and find that I was not taught a skill or my vision of life was warped by my mother's fears and brainwashing ~ new reasons to forgive and grow come to light. With these new memories - come momentary anger at what was done to a little girl.

As for the lady at the pool ~ I did get angry at her. Where did the anger come from? Who was I angry at? Then the Lord opened my mind and shed light on a few more past memories of other times when I had tried to loose weight... of other times that people said "just bow before the Lord, open your heart to Him and He will heal you - just believe!" Well, I spent years of pleading, I had bloodied knees and blood shot eyes from praying. God answered my prayers and taught me that He still loves me and there are natural, normal, God-created ways to heal the mind and spirit that has been abused. I am so thankful he sent me to the right people for help. I was blessed with therapists that let God heal me - layer by layer.

Life was unjust, people were unjust, and along the way people were foolish. Anger wells up inside me sometimes. Today triggered memories of times when God fearing brothers and sisters said inappropriate things because it was easy for them to say, "Just pray ~ God will heal you." They did not have the strength or knowledge to take the time back then and allowing me to work through the grief, disbelief, and lost years due to abuse. It helps me to realize that it was not their job and they could not handle it. They did not know what to say - so - out came their only advice. I try to remember that God has given me people who were sign posts, pointing the way to Him. Today, I am battling frustration and anger. Today, I turn again to God for help, for pruning, and for the watering of my soul:

^"Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. God's righteousness doesn't grow from human anger. So throw all spoiled virtue and cancerous evil in the garbage. In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation-garden of your life. " James 1:19-20 (The Message version)

My prayer is that I can learn to forgive others for being human and imperfect - forgive instantly and hold my tongue and my judgement of their inability to help me. I cannot expect others to understand the deep hurt and scars of abuse. I hope that next time I will understand that others do not see me - the real me - like God does ~~ and that is more than enough. There is a balm in Gilead!

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." Eph. 4:31-32 (New Living version)

So today I come before the great Gardener and plea for forgiveness and salvation. I hold onto the hope that healing will come. I rejoice in another week of healthy eating and weight loss. Without God's work in my "salvation garden", I would still be locked in the darkness of fear, rage, and shame. Without God's help and healing throughout the years I would be filling my hungry, battered, grief-stricken heart with food. He is setting me free and I know that some day soon I will bloom - it will be a blossom created by God and His nurtured seed in my heart will flower in His time and His season of joy.

Lord, today I come before you humbled by my human frailty, my weakness. So much of my life is still bound and chained by the emotions that are still hidden. Thank you for uncovering the layers of memories and hurt - using Your time table. You are truly wonderful and worthy to be praised. Thank you for the helpers that you have sent during my life's journey. Lord please help me to forgive those that meant well - but were insensitive. Help me to be slow to speak and even slower to show anger around others. Help me to deal with my anger in a contructive way. Thank you for those that have spent years training to be helpers to others - therapist, doctors, councilors, and ministers. They have such beautiful feet and such healing hearts. To You, Lord I give my anger today, and through my Redeemer's name I pray. Amen

Unbroken Circle

Day 19 & 20

One of my dearest friends past away recently. She was not famous, did not win the Nobel Prize, walk the red carpet, or have a hit song that was number one on the charts. Like me, she was a survivor. I met her in a support group at a Women's center in Tennessee. We were a circle of women who met in a small room. My thoughts are taken back to that time in my life. I am not a poet but I felt I should share the poem at the end of this blog post ~ as a tribute to my friend and other women encircled by the secrecy and shame of abuse. The lines with all caps are stanza or titles of hymns.

"The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit." Prov. 15:4.

.... .... .... Truth and love go hand in hand. Deceit and abuse go hand in hand. If you are a deceitful person you are abusing someone, somewhere. I have hurt so many people in my life and I hate the thought that I ever became abusive in my speech and manner. My friend Melba, was the most gentle spirit I ever knew. Her tale of abuse was 100 times worse than mine and yet I never heard anything from your mouth that was abusive. I will miss her dearly.

Dear Lord, I come to you heavy with grief for all those souls that have been abused by deceivers and liars. Help them find You and put their trust in You only. You are the great healer. Lord, please forgive me when I am not totally honest with others, when I hold back my sin and pretend I am "normal". I am so arrogant sometimes and I give advise so freely, without thinking how it sounds to others. Help me remember that Your words are light- not my words. You are the Way. Please take me ~ this broken, scarred vessel and let Your light shine through. In your name I make this prayer ~ Amen

The Circle

“WE GATHER TOGETHER TO ASK THE LORD’S BLESSINGS…”

as we did from the beginning.

Then, the only answer we received –

was inconceivable, unthinkable, and unconscionable.

Now we huddle close, chair touching chair;

A group of survivors.

While other women work

have afternoon teas

or read romance novels –

we speak with varied voices

of incest’s iniquities

rape’s ravages

and the pain we share.

“BLEST BE THE TIE THAT BINDS…”

we feel safe – bound together

against the huge wall of denial –

A wall that keeps us separated from “normality”;

A wall that keeps the outside world safe

from unpleasant thoughts:

“ Oh… they just imagined it….

It never happened….

Father would never…

Mother would never…

Brother would never…

Reverend Jones would never…

Dr. Smith would never…

It never happened…

Never happened!”

“IN THE HOUR OF TRIAL…”

we speak of what did happen

-fear making voices waiver

-fear that it will somehow happen again.

We will do anything to stop the pain –

Run, take drugs, drink,

Be crazy, get help,

Gain girth – so we will be bigger

than our abuser was-

larger than our fears

Help is hardest;

Peeling away the burnt fleshy layers of

Heart and mind.

Peeling away

Layers uncovering rage as strong as atom bombs;

Layers of such sadness that it would take ten

Thousand mourners

A thousand years to mourn;

Layers of guilt -

branded with the numbers – the dates

of shameful, unspeakable deeds –

scorched skin seared with words:

“You’re dirty…You’re bad…You asked for it!

You deserve it…It’s your fault!

It’s your fault!”

“WILL THE CIRCLE BE UNBROKEN,

BY AND BY LORD, BY AND BY…”

A sisterhood of survivors

we inch forward.

Together, we will not be denied!

Together, we will stop the abusers.

Together, we are millions –

Circling the globe with healing.

® 1991

All caps = Titles of hymns

Sin's Voices

Day Five

Picking up the pieces of my life and actually going to the Medifast center to pick up all the program's "stuff" was a numbing experience. Inside I was excited and I kept telling myself that I am committed to this path and I won't stop. But as the weight-loss coach and personal adviser talked, my numbness increased. My mind kept shouting, "They can never understand you! They can never see the real you, no matter how hard they try, they cannot deal with the inner you." As Tanya, the adviser, talked I nodded my head and said I understood because I have heard it all before. I warned her that for a diet to work for me - the diet part has to be simple because the emotional part will drag me to failure and I can't deal with both. I paid the money and signed the contract. I have been down this path before many times. Still filled with fear, I warned the office staff as I went out the door that I don't want cheerleaders, I don't want to know how much weight I am loosing. I told them that, for me, it has to be all about getting the weight off, so that I can be healthy. They patched smiles on their faces as they said that they understood and that there are others like me, but I could see in their eyes that I don't fit the usual client profile and they didn't really understand. I smiled back and drove away. Inside I was shouting, "No one understands, no one can sort out and dig deep enough to see the real me!" As despair threw me against a wall of pain again, I reached out for the only certainty that I had: God Is! Jesus lived, died, and lives again for me! If I am going to make it past these walls of painful memories that are tied to anything having to do with my body ~ I need help! I need help digging through these emotions and robotic responses that keep me marching down the same path, day after day, numbing bite after bite. I cried out to the Lord for help.

"This is what the LORD says, He who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it—the LORD is his name: 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeramiah. 33:2-3 So as I drive the car away, I cry out again, fighting with unbelief, "No one can see the real me without turning away in disgust!" My Mother looked at me and cringed or curled her lips in a sneer. Every moment with her was a battle for control ~ on one side was her trying to control my every breath so that my sinful nature would not reign over me and on the other side was me ~ battling to stay alive, to fight the pain. She couldn't even say my name as she tried to cleanse the dirt from inside me. She had to disconnect herself so much from what she was doing that my pleading did not reach her. Her mantra was, "The body has to be clean.... the body is not normal...the body does evil things" Not "your body", ... What she saw in me was so vile, that she could not even say my name, she could not look at me and stay sane, and, the most searing pain of all ~ my own mother could not look at me and love me. Whatever she saw filled her with so much fear, that there was no room for love.

So when the office staff at Medifast spoke, once again I felt like I was holding on to the edge of a icy cliff and my every breath aching in total disbelief that anything or anyone could really understand. I do want to hold onto hope and reach for the light. I believe in God - I do! I believe that He sent His Son, who died and rose for me ~ for me ! I do believe this! When I look at all the beauty around me every day, when I see God's spirit "working" in lives all around me ~ I believe and praise His name! He has healed so many parts of my soul and given me strength to live each day, work in the real world each day, and sing His praises each day. But ......When it comes to dealing with my body, I find myself back on that cliff again, more afraid then ever! "Help my unbelief! I thought I was healed Lord? Where are you Lord?" I feel He has hit layers of emotional bedrock that cannot be penetrated. I feel like David, "I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Sin has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within." ............. .............. So as I continued to drive home from this first appointment, despondently I turned on the radio and a "Song of Love" was playing. "Jesus I love You, my Lord, my life! Where would I be without You...Trials may come and friends they may go, what really matters is You, my Lord." I pulled over in a parking lot and cried. Where they cleansing tears? I do not know. The next song was "Born Again". "I was lost when You found me here. I was broken beyond repair. Then You came along and You sang Your song over me." but when the chorus played, I could not sing because I did not feel it: "It feels like I'm born again. It feels like I'm living for the very first time in my life." ~ ...... ...... This chorus made me feel farther way from peace and from an answer. I don't feel "born agan" every moment of the day. Then the next verse reached out ~ ~~ ~~~ "Make a promise to me now, reassure my heart somehow that the love I feel is so much more real than anything." but I turned of the radio in anger. The only real thing I felt for decades was fear and pain. That was my reality! Where was God then? Where was He when I cried out to him as a six year old, a seven year old, and on and on, year after year! I pulled into my garage still crying. When I got home I dropped the bag of promises by the doorstep and I refused to look at the colorful recipe books, all the promising pictures of people who had lost weight. I couldn't stop crying, so I went to the scriptures to help me through another dark time of disbelief. I surrounded myself with uplifting music filled with God's promises from my playlists. ........ ............ ......

Did this help? Yes, a little. The battle rages on within me today and every day. Sometime it helps to be with people but most of the time it does not. My therapist is a great comfort and guide. I long to be in therapy every moment of the day ~ to get fixed ~ today! But I have learned over the years that it takes time to work through the layers of pain and abuse. ............. ...........

Like burn victims, I scrap away the dead layers so that new layers can heal. There are other aspects to healing from burns ~ ~ fighting infections, pumping liquids and nutrients into the body, and sometimes scrapping away layers again that are not healing properly. It takes time. Sometimes limbs are lost so that the body can survive. So I try to sooth my spirit with things that have helped my sick soul in the past: music, nature, scriptures, daily activities in the real world. One of those activities is writing. I write these words for myself as a record. I tell myself that each layer that is torn off, brought to light, and soothed is one more step toward healing. I hold on today to the things that I am certain of and I try to be thankful and count the blessings that I have in this moment. When it comes to eating today, I will do my best. I will try to remember that God did not forsake me, even though it felt like it thousands of times. That I cannot understand His ways. So today I dried my eyes and I went out into the 100 degree heat and watered my potted plants and prayed that God would refresh me in the same way. I am thankful for the Internet and all the sources of encouragement that are present there.

Lord God, help me to make it through this time of darkness and healing. I have so many memories that I can't remember. I realize that you protected me during those times of abuse by allowing me to "leave" that reality and find a safe place. Now it is time for me to uncover the lost little girl with her scars, her heart full of terror, disbelief, and rage. Help me work through this time of discovery, of redemption. Sometimes I don't want to heal because it hurts so much. Please guide me onto a healthy path. Lord thank you for sending your Son who beaten, abused, and killed for my sins. With his love, help me find forgiveness for what I have continued to do to my ugly body. Help me to forgive others and not bottle up the rage and anger ~ until I must stuff the pain back down with food. In Jesus name I plead and lay my burdens at Your throne ~ Amen.

Here is another song from my playlist that helped me today:

Broken Pieces

Day Two

My search for the solution to loosing weight has led me again to how broken and abnormal I am. I am so tired of this mental and emotional war. Time and time again I thought that I had made it to a peaceful place but I found that it was one more battle won - not the end of the war! ................. ........ In this blog I am going to be honest so here it goes: I am scared - to my very core! I am scared that if I loose weight I will be abused again. No one protected me before. No one! How can I get past this? The six year old begging God to make it stop but no answer came. How can I get past this? A pathetic, whimpering twelve year old laying on the bathroom floor crying out, "I'll be good Mommy, please Mommy stop, I'll be good". How can I get past this? A thirty seven year old women that was just seeing daylight and had lost sixty five pounds but instead of saving a twenty year marraige ~ forced to watch as life shatters again and a covenant is broken.

I try to make emotional plans to deal with loosing weight. I tell myself that I won't face the scales when I weigh and no one is going to tell me or congratulate me when I loose weight ~ maybe that will work. Or maybe I will shave my head, wear a scarf or bad wig, put dark circles under my eyes with make-up ~ then as I loose weight people will think that I have cancer and they won't complement me. Good idea, right? Well, no ~ it is just me running away from the truth. I truely believe that if I am bigger than my abusers, I can't get hurt. If I am huge then I can keep a barrier between myself and being hurt again. I know I am not alone in feeling this way. Others out there are living the same kind of life. The only way I am going to get through this is with therapy and with God's help. I know that He was with me through the years. He provided me with a mind that was inventive enough to "leave" when the abuse was at its worse. Disassociation and creating personas became my way of dealing with my life. I would walk through my life like a little doll and then as I grew older a version of the "Barbie" doll. Acting the part on the outside but the real me was hidden. A puppet being dangled and jerked about by my abuser. I think children of acoholics and children of abusers learn to stay on their guard and then do something, anything to survive. The problem with disassoicating yourself from life is that it is hard to reconnect to the normal world when you want to walk the path back to normality. It is hard to tell the truth from the lies ~ the real from the unreal. You feel like a ghost walking through your childhood and marriage ~ there but not really there. Throughout my life the thought was always there: If they knew the real me, the broken,dirty, evil person that the abusers thought needed to be cleansed and punished ~ they would turn away and run. As early as eight years old, I could not stand to look in the mirror. So I painted on the face of normality but underneath I was screaming and wanting everything to end. Every time I thought that I would end my life, at the right time someone or something came into my life. That lifeline helped me take another breath, another step. It could be a song on the radio, a TV show, a person calling me to say hello. I have made it through so much but this battle ahead is going to be one of the hardest. Loosing weight means that I must deal with the body image issue and let the ghost come out into the light.

Over twenty years ago, when I had been in therapy for about a six months, my therapist shared an analogy about my mental process toward healing. He compared me to a house. This house was very neat on the outside, cute with a wide porch, flower boxes in the windows and surrounded by a lush, green lawn and a picket fence. Emotionally, I lived mostly on the porch, watering the flowers, rocking in the rocking chair but not spending a great deal of time inside. Just enough time inside to eat, sleep, and dress. Also I did not leave the porch to go out to the street and into the neighborhood. Every time I stepped out onto the lawn to leave or make contact with anyone in the real world just beyond the picket fence, the lawn turned into a mine field and each mine that exploded was a horrific memory from my past. The only way to lead a normal life was to dig up all the mines, defuse them, let them do their worse, and just learn to deal with the pain, horror, anger, and hatred that came with them. With my therapists help (Al Behel) we proceeded to do just that. It took years and there were some memories, some realizations that set me back. I finally reached a point where I was living a more normal life and then my husband decided that he could not take it any more. Our marraige ended and I put much of the emotional work that still needed to be done, on hold. Surviving in the real world, on my own became my priority and I have proven that I can do that successfully. God has been my guide and refuge through the worst times. I know that it was He who sent the lifelines along the way.

So why am I having such a hard time when it comes to starting this part of my life? Starting to diet again? I think it is because I am still so broken. I have a path that was forged during therapy that leads out to the real world and I feel comfortable using it but my house and life are still in the nightmare. Most of the lush green lawn around the symbolic, therapy house - still holds a "mind" field that I have not defused. Also, now that I am thinking about opening all the doors and windows and letting the light of truth shine into the house, I find myself very afraid. I can't imagine ever being comfortable in certain rooms in any physical home that I live in because they remind me of abuse and pain. I just go in them and get right out. I am still "real" as I deal with the inside of my house and my body but I still disassociate a little. When it comes to dealing with body image and all that comes with eating and dieting ~ well - that is why the Medifast diet appeals to me. I don't have to think about preparing meals, shopping, etc. I just don't go to the store or out to eat. Of course if I loose weight and stop the program I will have to deal with learning how to eat in any room, on any given day, with all the temptations that are all around me. But I am not ready to have surgery and something drastic needs to happen for my health. So I will probably go with the Medifast program. I am diabetic, with major circulation problems in my legs. If I do not loose the weight this year, I could loose my life. So I will go forward, broken and abnormal as I am and pray that the healing will come. I write in this blog to help with the healing and to share with my therapist my thoughts and emotions. I have recently decided to open this blog up to others who might be going through a similuar battle from broken to whole. No matter what I say in this blog - the only healing, joy, or love that I might accomplish - comes from the Lord. If I make it out of this ordeal alive - it will be only a life lived with God in control, Christ as my mirror, and the Spirit interceding for me. I hope that I do not offend anyone but it is, after all, my journey of truth being reported. My goal is to write an honest account of my daily thoughts, concerns, battles, and victories. Until complete healing comes - I will try to hold on for dear life....

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Revelation 21:6 "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life."

Isaiah 32:2 "Each man will be like a shelter from the wind and a refuge from the storm, like streams of water in the desert and the shadow of a great rock in a thristy land." God provided me with a mental shelter as I went through life, a way to block the full emotional experience of abuse. Now it is time for me to face all the broken places in my life ~ the ones caused by others and the ones that I caused myself.... I am so broken... but Christ was broken for me so that I could be healed. I will hold on to that thought.

Lord, I plead for your healing hand again. I realize that healing sometimes comes in waves. I am so broken and only you can help me put the pieces of my life together and learn to live without falling back on the numbing power of food. Thank you for your mercy and love. In Christ's name I pray this prayer, Amen.