Day Five
Picking up the pieces of my life and actually going to the Medifast center to pick up all the program's "stuff" was a numbing experience. Inside I was excited and I kept telling myself that I am committed to this path and I won't stop. But as the weight-loss coach and personal adviser talked, my numbness increased. My mind kept shouting, "They can never understand you! They can never see the real you, no matter how hard they try, they cannot deal with the inner you." As Tanya, the adviser, talked I nodded my head and said I understood because I have heard it all before. I warned her that for a diet to work for me - the diet part has to be simple because the emotional part will drag me to failure and I can't deal with both. I paid the money and signed the contract. I have been down this path before many times. Still filled with fear, I warned the office staff as I went out the door that I don't want cheerleaders, I don't want to know how much weight I am loosing. I told them that, for me, it has to be all about getting the weight off, so that I can be healthy. They patched smiles on their faces as they said that they understood and that there are others like me, but I could see in their eyes that I don't fit the usual client profile and they didn't really understand. I smiled back and drove away. Inside I was shouting, "No one understands, no one can sort out and dig deep enough to see the real me!" As despair threw me against a wall of pain again, I reached out for the only certainty that I had: God Is! Jesus lived, died, and lives again for me! If I am going to make it past these walls of painful memories that are tied to anything having to do with my body ~ I need help! I need help digging through these emotions and robotic responses that keep me marching down the same path, day after day, numbing bite after bite. I cried out to the Lord for help.
"This is what the LORD says, He who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it—the LORD is his name: 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeramiah. 33:2-3 So as I drive the car away, I cry out again, fighting with unbelief, "No one can see the real me without turning away in disgust!" My Mother looked at me and cringed or curled her lips in a sneer. Every moment with her was a battle for control ~ on one side was her trying to control my every breath so that my sinful nature would not reign over me and on the other side was me ~ battling to stay alive, to fight the pain. She couldn't even say my name as she tried to cleanse the dirt from inside me. She had to disconnect herself so much from what she was doing that my pleading did not reach her. Her mantra was, "The body has to be clean.... the body is not normal...the body does evil things" Not "your body", ... What she saw in me was so vile, that she could not even say my name, she could not look at me and stay sane, and, the most searing pain of all ~ my own mother could not look at me and love me. Whatever she saw filled her with so much fear, that there was no room for love.
So when the office staff at Medifast spoke, once again I felt like I was holding on to the edge of a icy cliff and my every breath aching in total disbelief that anything or anyone could really understand. I do want to hold onto hope and reach for the light. I believe in God - I do! I believe that He sent His Son, who died and rose for me ~ for me ! I do believe this! When I look at all the beauty around me every day, when I see God's spirit "working" in lives all around me ~ I believe and praise His name! He has healed so many parts of my soul and given me strength to live each day, work in the real world each day, and sing His praises each day. But ......When it comes to dealing with my body, I find myself back on that cliff again, more afraid then ever! "Help my unbelief! I thought I was healed Lord? Where are you Lord?" I feel He has hit layers of emotional bedrock that cannot be penetrated. I feel like David, "I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Sin has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within." ............. .............. So as I continued to drive home from this first appointment, despondently I turned on the radio and a "Song of Love" was playing. "Jesus I love You, my Lord, my life! Where would I be without You...Trials may come and friends they may go, what really matters is You, my Lord." I pulled over in a parking lot and cried. Where they cleansing tears? I do not know. The next song was "Born Again". "I was lost when You found me here. I was broken beyond repair. Then You came along and You sang Your song over me." but when the chorus played, I could not sing because I did not feel it: "It feels like I'm born again. It feels like I'm living for the very first time in my life." ~ ...... ...... This chorus made me feel farther way from peace and from an answer. I don't feel "born agan" every moment of the day. Then the next verse reached out ~ ~~ ~~~ "Make a promise to me now, reassure my heart somehow that the love I feel is so much more real than anything." but I turned of the radio in anger. The only real thing I felt for decades was fear and pain. That was my reality! Where was God then? Where was He when I cried out to him as a six year old, a seven year old, and on and on, year after year! I pulled into my garage still crying. When I got home I dropped the bag of promises by the doorstep and I refused to look at the colorful recipe books, all the promising pictures of people who had lost weight. I couldn't stop crying, so I went to the scriptures to help me through another dark time of disbelief. I surrounded myself with uplifting music filled with God's promises from my playlists. ........ ............ ......
Did this help? Yes, a little. The battle rages on within me today and every day. Sometime it helps to be with people but most of the time it does not. My therapist is a great comfort and guide. I long to be in therapy every moment of the day ~ to get fixed ~ today! But I have learned over the years that it takes time to work through the layers of pain and abuse. ............. ...........
Like burn victims, I scrap away the dead layers so that new layers can heal. There are other aspects to healing from burns ~ ~ fighting infections, pumping liquids and nutrients into the body, and sometimes scrapping away layers again that are not healing properly. It takes time. Sometimes limbs are lost so that the body can survive. So I try to sooth my spirit with things that have helped my sick soul in the past: music, nature, scriptures, daily activities in the real world. One of those activities is writing. I write these words for myself as a record. I tell myself that each layer that is torn off, brought to light, and soothed is one more step toward healing. I hold on today to the things that I am certain of and I try to be thankful and count the blessings that I have in this moment. When it comes to eating today, I will do my best. I will try to remember that God did not forsake me, even though it felt like it thousands of times. That I cannot understand His ways. So today I dried my eyes and I went out into the 100 degree heat and watered my potted plants and prayed that God would refresh me in the same way. I am thankful for the Internet and all the sources of encouragement that are present there.
Lord God, help me to make it through this time of darkness and healing. I have so many memories that I can't remember. I realize that you protected me during those times of abuse by allowing me to "leave" that reality and find a safe place. Now it is time for me to uncover the lost little girl with her scars, her heart full of terror, disbelief, and rage. Help me work through this time of discovery, of redemption. Sometimes I don't want to heal because it hurts so much. Please guide me onto a healthy path. Lord thank you for sending your Son who beaten, abused, and killed for my sins. With his love, help me find forgiveness for what I have continued to do to my ugly body. Help me to forgive others and not bottle up the rage and anger ~ until I must stuff the pain back down with food. In Jesus name I plead and lay my burdens at Your throne ~ Amen.
Here is another song from my playlist that helped me today:
