Heart's Creation

Heart's Creation

Lately my heart has been hurting both physically and emotionally. Tests and MRI results have shown that my heart is relatively healthy and the pain in my chest is caused by nerves being pinched in my spine. Between pain killers and physical therapy I am moving forward but it is four steps forward and three steps back. A great deal of what is wrong with me is due to my own sins; hiding my feelings by eating too much. However, this pain and disability is also caused by my body aging and decaying. Like Job, I contemplate God's nature and His plan...

"Your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me? Remember that you molded me like clay. Will you now turn me to dust again? Did you not pour me out like milk and curdle me like cheese, clothe me with skin and flesh and knit me together with bones and sinews? You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit." Job 10:8-12

God's word always helps me find the answers to my musing, the turmoil that spins in my mind while laying in bed wrestling with pain. I wonder if Job and Paul have talked to each other in heaven? Paul gives the answer to all life's questions:

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:1-8

Turning to God and His word always helps me. Writing down these thoughts, this blog is a sort of diary, a travel journal ~ of how God is changing my life. It is a diary filled with human frailty, written my someone carrying too much baggage from the past. Sometimes on days that are too full of pain ~ I go back and read some of the blog entries and it helps to see that He guided me through that day and helped me understand and persevere so that I could live with hope. I see through all the failures ~ that His truth is slowly changing my life and that I am being equipped for the battle ahead. I am also blessed with a network of online Christians that I can go to for inspiration. They share their daily struggles and how God is working in thier lives ~ through Christ.

Lord, I thank you so much for the life you have given me. Forgive me Lord for the time I have spent being selfish and only dealing with my own problems and issues. Give me eyes to see and a heart full of love for the lost and hurting. Guide me toward service that I can do ~ even with my limitations. Remind me daily Lord that my limitations and disabilities; this physical body ~ these things do not define me. They are part of the clay vessel but You are the most important part of my life. Create in me a heart that beats only for You; a clean heart fit for Your service and Your presence. With a heart of longing and praise, I pray this prayer in Christ's name, Amen.

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me." Psalm 13:2-6

Truly Lovable

Truly Loveable

Have you ever felt unloved, unlovable? I spent the last part of the week at my Dad's house, getting ready for the final move. After his death we had an estate sale and I knew that there would be unsold items to bring back to Dallas for a second sale. Workers found more than just old boxes of papers in the attic and what was going to be a simple move ended up being a nightmare. Friday they unloaded boxes into every room of my house in Dallas. Even my back patio has stacks of old furniture on it. The unfinished dreams, postponed projects, boxes of personal papers, and more bits of pieces of the past are now ramparts that must be maneuvered as I limp through the house. My electric wheelchair could not take the mess, and is now in need of repair. After all the movers, volunteers, and workers left, I was left alone to deal with this heap. As the quiet settled in and the rain began to fall from a grey sky, I felt so alone, so dejected. The task ahead seemed overwhelming. I thought that I was mostly done going through boxes, filing, shredding, and pricing. It will be another month, at least, before most of this is gone through; another six months before the boxes of papers and old books are sorted. The walls of boxes fence me in but this feeling of abandonment in the face of what seems to be impossible brought back old feelings ~ the feeling of being overwhelmed or surrounded by people that were unable to love me - as I was, as I am. They turned away because it was just too hard a task to deal with all of my unfinished dreams, postponed projects, personal tragedies, and scarred past. Now with a massive globular layer of fat surrounding my body and feeling like my family's past has encased me in boxes ~ I am finding it very hard to count my blessings, very hard to be positive. The weeping starts and will not stop. It is an effort to even breathe. The images and memories brought on by all of the boxes of papers, furniture, and household decorations ~ once again bring sorrow, anger, and so many other feelings. I know the crying is natural during the mourning process and that I am also so very, very tired. So once again I cry out, "Does anyone see me?!? Can anyone love me NOW?!? Can anyone love this mess that I am today?" The answer comes with a whisper and then a shout... ... ...

John 3:16 ~ " For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son". I go to the scriptures that have helped me in the past. ... ... ..."It wasn't so long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin. You let the world, which doesn't know the first thing about living, tell you how to live. .... .... immense in mercy and with an incredible love, He embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did all this on his own, with no help from us! Then he picked us up and set us down in highest heaven in company with Jesus, our Messiah. " Eph. 2:1-6 ... ... ... "God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him" I John 4:19 Once again, God's word to me gets through all the chaos and helps me put what I can't handle aside and focus on what I can do today.

Lord, please keep reminding me of Your place in my heart and in my life. Let Your love reign over me today and fill me with the peace during this time of sorrow and chaos. In my Savior's name, I pray. Amen.

Liar, Liar!

Liar! Liar!

"Liar, Liar! Pants on fire!" These are words that I wished many times that I could shout back to my mother. She wove such a web of lies around me concerning my body that, to this day, I still believe her. I look at the pictures of myself growing up and I am shocked. I was not fat! Yet in her fear filled eyes I was always fat and the "body" had to be controlled or it would take control and all would be lost. Her disfunctional idea of "body image" branded itself in my brain. Each day as I am trying to dig through the seared remains of my mind, I find that I must take each idea, each phrase, each memory and hold it to the light. Once it is in the light, I must sort the lies from the truth. My distorted body image is the reason that I have been unable to loose weight for years and years. This process of healing and claiming my past for Christ and truth ~ this is the hardest thing I have ever done. But it is time. It is the right time for my salvation:

"By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.

There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!

Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him. " Romans 5:1-8 (The Message version)

My life growing up was based on lies and fear. I escpecially like this version of Romans 5. God always wanted to "set it right with me and make me fit for him". As long as I am harboring lies about my body and my body image ~ then I am not a fit vessel for the Lord to use. I am not saying that physical appearance hinders God's message. Fat people can preach the word, be a blessing to others, and walk through the pearly gates. A liar cannot do these things. Even though the lies were created by my mother and others who believed her, I cannot move forward and be functional until I stop believing those lies, stop living those lies. Every time I believe those lies instead of walking through the door of truth that is held wide open by Christ - I am choosing to go back to prison, the dark despair of my warped body image.

Verse 5 of Romans 5 is so helpful to me today: "hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. " NIV This "outpouring" of God's love into my scorched, hurting heart is actually translated as a continual, never ending act. That is why I like The Message version. I can't round up enough containers to hold all the truth and love that God is generously pouring into my life today. This is all happening just at the right time, when I needed it the most, when I am ready to see the truth, strong enough to take the full brunt of this truth. Because God chose the right time, I am now strong enough to face the lies and view my body in the light of God's love and forgiveness. I cannot be used by God the way I am. Once again this is not because I am obese - no! Obese people can be used by God. It is not because I am size 30 - because God does not see the outward part of me. It is because my heart and mind are mummified. Like a dead person walking around, I must unravel all the layers of putrid lies that incase my image of myself and let Christ bring to life my dead, numb heart. I need His help to walk a new path, a new life. When this task is done, I don't want people to say, "You look so wonderful! You have lost so much weight!" I want them to shout, " She's free! She's alive! She's alive!"

Lord, please help me each day to face the truth. Help me to sort through the lies that are buried so deep in my heart and mind. Lord, help me to forgive. As I uncover lie after lie, help me to forgive those people who spoke those lies and then reinforced them with their actions, their torture. Forgiving is so hard for me God. All I want to do is make them pay for what they did to a little girl's heart, who only wanted to love them and have their approval. Lord, free me from the burden of this overwhelming sadness and pain. With your help Lord I have lost over twenty pounds. Lord, help me be like Paul and claim each victory for you. Help me point to you as my Savior of my life, of each successful day. In my Redeemer's name I pray, Amen.