Lord, we pray for all the soldiers that are being sent around the world and that serve here at home. Please help us to remember those who gave their lives for America, even if we did not always agree on the military actions of that time in history. God, you are in control of our nation. Please guide our leaders, for without you ~ nations fall. Today, and all weekend ~ I am so thankful for my earthly father. Everywhere he went, he put his job in the Lord's army first. He brought thousands to Christ but was a humble man. Even though he had over ten medals from various wars and won commendation after commendation - he always said it was an honor to serve his God and country ~ that he was just a soldier waiting for his next marching orders. Thank you Lord, God for examples like my Dad. We praise your name today and pray that whatever "marching orders" you send us, we will be listening for the call and be ready to serve you with all our hearts, minds, and will. In Christ, our Saviour's name, Amen.
My father was in WWII, two tours of duty in Vietnam, and served his country with destinction for over 50 years. His death last year has been difficult for me. Memorial Day, for me, has always involved the military aspect - honoring and remembering those who gave their lives for this country. This film takes a quiet moment to reflect..The melody was a nightly tune on every base that we lived on. "Day is done, gone the sun, from the hills, from the lake, from the skies. All is well, safely rest, God is nigh. .....Go to sleep, peaceful sleep, may the soldier or sailor, God keep. On the land or the deep, safe in sleep."
I think survivors have layers of healing to deal with. There are times when something someone says or does triggers a part of the mind that has not been healed. "At the right time" God presents a challenge, a memory, a sore spot that needs to be healed - at that time. When this happens, I experience that moment in time as if it were happening again. I am shocked, angered, and worn out by the sharp reality of abuse, family secrets, and lies. I want to deny it all. Denial is the easy road to take. For those people that think that one zap heals all problems ~ that in one second God heals and allows an abused person to walk as a totally whole person - I say - that idea is probably cruel denial on their part. It is easier to deny the amount of work that must be done to heal from years of abuse. God made my mind so wonderfully that it allowed me to "be gone" mentally during years of abuse. If he had not blessed me with such a creative mind - I would have killed myself at age 8 or 9. The memory "switch" doesn't come back on all at once, revealing all the atrocities in the bright light of truth. God is gentle in his healing and kind, he guards and shelters us from those hurts that our minds cannot take in one revelation. He turns on the light with a "dimmer", letting me see what my soul can handle. Emotionally I know that I have to learn to crawl first and then walk before I can run. To expect anyone who comes from an abused background to be healed instantly - to zap the pain away or weight off - is just plain cruel.
You can tell that this is an emotionally charged issue for me. Today at the pool I thought that one lady was declaring that if I only prayed harder and forgive everyone that had ever hurt me - if I followed that quick and easy formula of faith - that complete healing was there for the taking. She asked if I had forgiven my mother. I told her yes. However, as new memories flood over me, as I walk forward into new situations in life and find that I was not taught a skill or my vision of life was warped by my mother's fears and brainwashing ~ new reasons to forgive and grow come to light. With these new memories - come momentary anger at what was done to a little girl.
As for the lady at the pool ~ I did get angry at her. Where did the anger come from? Who was I angry at? Then the Lord opened my mind and shed light on a few more past memories of other times when I had tried to loose weight... of other times that people said "just bow before the Lord, open your heart to Him and He will heal you - just believe!" Well, I spent years of pleading, I had bloodied knees and blood shot eyes from praying. God answered my prayers and taught me that He still loves me and there are natural, normal, God-created ways to heal the mind and spirit that has been abused. I am so thankful he sent me to the right people for help. I was blessed with therapists that let God heal me - layer by layer.
Life was unjust, people were unjust, and along the way people were foolish. Anger wells up inside me sometimes. Today triggered memories of times when God fearing brothers and sisters said inappropriate things because it was easy for them to say, "Just pray ~ God will heal you." They did not have the strength or knowledge to take the time back then and allowing me to work through the grief, disbelief, and lost years due to abuse. It helps me to realize that it was not their job and they could not handle it. They did not know what to say - so - out came their only advice. I try to remember that God has given me people who were sign posts, pointing the way to Him. Today, I am battling frustration and anger. Today, I turn again to God for help, for pruning, and for the watering of my soul:
"Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. God's righteousness doesn't grow from human anger. So throw all spoiled virtue and cancerous evil in the garbage. In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation-garden of your life. " James 1:19-20 (The Message version)
My prayer is that I can learn to forgive others for being human and imperfect - forgive instantly and hold my tongue and my judgement of their inability to help me. I cannot expect others to understand the deep hurt and scars of abuse. I hope that next time I will understand that others do not see me - the real me - like God does ~~ and that is more than enough. There is a balm in Gilead!
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." Eph. 4:31-32 (New Living version)
So today I come before the great Gardener and plea for forgiveness and salvation. I hold onto the hope that healing will come. I rejoice in another week of healthy eating and weight loss. Without God's work in my "salvation garden", I would still be locked in the darkness of fear, rage, and shame. Without God's help and healing throughout the years I would be filling my hungry, battered, grief-stricken heart with food. He is setting me free and I know that some day soon I will bloom - it will be a blossom created by God and His nurtured seed in my heart will flower in His time and His season of joy.
Lord, today I come before you humbled by my human frailty, my weakness. So much of my life is still bound and chained by the emotions that are still hidden. Thank you for uncovering the layers of memories and hurt - using Yourtime table. You are truly wonderful and worthy to be praised. Thank you for the helpers that you have sent during my life's journey. Lord please help me to forgive those that meant well - but were insensitive. Help me to be slow to speak and even slower to show anger around others. Help me to deal with my anger in a contructive way. Thank you for those that have spent years training to be helpers to others - therapist, doctors, councilors, and ministers. They have such beautiful feet and such healing hearts. To You, Lord I give my anger today, and through my Redeemer's name I pray. Amen
Ever heard of the phrase "can't see the forest for the trees"? It is used to describe someone who is focusing too much on the details, on specific problems. That person is missing the main point, not understanding the whole situation, and is in great need of someone to help them see clearly. Why do I bring this up? I love trees! They have always been a comfort and a theme that runs through my life. They are like huge arrows pointing to heaven; messengers of God's creation and His love for me.
Last year I went to an exhibit opening in San Antonio. I lived there for a while when I was younger. Just like a winter tree with the last few leaves hanging on as the blasts of icy wind shake the limbs, my memories of that house in San Antonio are very few. I have held onto what memories I have tenaciously. My sister told me yesterday that we lived there for more than 6 years. How can that be? I thought I had lived there just 2 years! I only have a few memories! Were the buried memories so horrific? Was I disassociating so much that those years are lost forever? What good memories and happy times were lost? Why can't I remember?! Once again, as I ponder these things, I am thrown into despair and depression. It was not looking like a good day.....for dieting, for anything. Then I searched for and found the pictures that I had taken a year ago when I was in San Antonio. I had gone by the house my parents had built over 30 years ago - their retirement home (for a few short years). I do remember my Dad planting the young trees, placing small wooden stakes and ropes to secure them so that they would not break in the wind. The pictures I took last year of the house and the front and back yard showed how huge and strong the trees had grown - in those 30 years. (The house and trees are in picture below with scripture.) There was evidence of limbs that had broken off and then trimmed. Over all, even with a few scars, they were gigantic and healthy looking. Sometime during our stay in that house, Dad was recruited to work for the military as an advisor. The house in San Antonio, the retirement home was sold so that we could move again, again, and again.
Perhaps my memories of that time are like the large branches of the trees, gone and discarded - so that the tree itself would remain healthy, growing strong and soaring toward heaven. I don't really know. What I do know - if I need to dig up the memories so that I can heal, get healthy, and move forward - God will help me find a path through that dark forest of pain. However, if the memories are gone forever - I will have to look at the big picture and focus on the part of me that is healthy and strong. It won't be easy. It is not easy having missing pieces of your life. I know that God will help me deal with any difficulty, even depression.
Trees can continue to grow, even during a draught. In the last 30 years San Antonio has had many draughts but even a little rain spitting down from the sky or watering once a week can sustain a tree - if the roots are deep enough. Even spit can heal and provide a new life.
Can't see the forest for the trees?.....Jesus had just fed thousands of people with just a little food. You would expect the next act to be grand - not spit related! In the city of Bethsaida Jesus met a blind man. Instead of healing him so all could see, he led the man out of town and spit in his face! At first the man could not see the "forest for the trees" but soon he was able to see everything clearly - he saw the people in the distance. Did he run back to the village shouting praises, starting a new ministry of praise? No - Jesus sent him back to his house and told him not to tell the village. That does not make sense at first. Think about it. Maybe, like the blind man, ours is a private healing. Sometimes our time with the Lord and what we go through with Him is best kept to ourselves. Perhaps it is because He is not finished with us yet and before we go "out into all the world".... we first need to go home to a closet and continue the healing process. I believe in my case - I am still in the closet of prayer and healing. The Lord has shown me His glory - one more time. His beautiful creation, the trees, pointed the way again. He has bathed my eyes with healing tears and given me work today to do at home.
Lord, please help me to see my whole life through your eyes, so that I can see clearly. Help me to know what I am to do in your service. You have given me healing and talent to do your will. There are so many choices, so many needy people, and it can be confusing. I run ahead of you sometimes, shouting your praises, doing what I can chaotically but running into trees. Lead me day by day, minute by minute. Plant your word in my heart so that I can stand strong through any storm and always point toward your glory. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.
Lord, we pray for all the soldiers that are being sent around the world and that serve here at home. Please help us to remember those who gave their lives for America, even if we did not always agree on the military actions of that time in history. God, you are in control of our nation. Please guide our leaders, for without you ~ nations fall.
