Firm Foundation

Firm Foundation
Today was a day of doctor visits, specialists in their field. Last night it was hard to sleep, hard to breath in and out. Test results, more tests to take, and more pain seem to be my future. Numbing the fear by eating mindlessly has been my solution most of my life. Changing that behavior is so difficult. For most of my life I have been surrounded by people who base their perceptions, their truths on fear. Their life is based in judging others so that they can feel safe. Truth, love, and forgiveness is not part of their foundation. I pray for them every day but I have to move forward with my life. When it comes to my disfunctional family, I share Paul's wish:

Col. 2:2"I want their hearts to be made cheerful and strong. I want them to be joined together in love. Then their understanding will be rich and complete. "
As for my own personal fears about my health and my future ~ well, I have always dreamed and longed for a "home". Perhaps this is because I was a military kid or perhaps it is because home was never a safe place to exist. Maybe that is why I love the scriptures about "building" a life or making a home. 1 John4:17-18, "God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love. (The Message)"

Forming a strong foundation of love for my life is a goal I am working on every day. I have been crippled in more ways than one but when love runs freely throughout my heart, then freedom from worry is around the corner.

Sometimes humor helps to lighten the fear and make a path for the most important message.

Luke 6: 47-49 "These words I speak to you are not mere additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living. They are foundation words, words to build a life on. If you work the words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who dug deep and laid the foundation of his house on bedrock. When the river burst its banks and crashed against the house, nothing could shake it; it was built to last. But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don't work them into your life, you are like a dumb carpenter who built a house but skipped the foundation. When the swollen river came crashing in, it collapsed like a house of cards. It was a total loss. (The Message)"

Dear Lord, help me tonight to fall asleep without pain pills and without fear of the future. As the river of pain crashes on me with each breath, please Lord hold me with your hand and let my faith stand strong. I am such a weak person but with Your help, I know I can make it through anything that comes my way. Through Christ's name I pray this prayer, Amen.

Gaither "Rock of Ages" :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_ISoPWH5UE

Valentine Heart Mending Journey

Mark 12:30

Love the Lord your God with all your heart

with all your soul

and with all your mind

and with all all your strength. ...

Love your neighbor as yourself...

There is no greater commandment

than these.

If ever there was a man that made this his life's goal -

it was my father.

This year of pain, sorrow, and healing has been

quite a journey.

When it comes to my personal journey through this year of searching and healing -

I have learned that I really don't know much. My faith was tested and all my plans and hopes were changed so quickly. I started gaining weight after my broken leg, being disabled, my father's stroke and hospice and then dealing with relatives and the estate. I had to throw myself on God's mercy and beg for guidance and understanding. I started this blog - seeking a way through my disfunctional eating habits and I continue to seek His truth and direction in my life.

I don't know much

- but I know that I love the Lord with all my heart. I am trying to love Him with all my mind but my past, deep scars, and walls of pain get in the way some days. I love God with all the strength in my crippled body. Loving neighbors and dealing with relationships comes last in the commandments Jesus spoke of.... without the first - loving God, I am not capable of loving others.

I am a work in progress but

all I really need to know is

I love the Lord!

Dear Lord, thank you for your loving, guiding hand in my life. I heard someone at the swimming pool say the words - "I don't know much" and all of sudden I remembered an old song. When I have been bedridden these last three weeks, the song comes to mind and I realize as I scream "Why?" ~ that I don't know much. Lord I only see my small world, my short life. Thank you for bringing this song to my mind ~ one that tied into Christ's words to disbelievers. Lord, I am nothing and all my understanding is worthless unless I can follow the greatest commandment - to love You first and forever with my whole being. Please forgive me when I have been so filled with pain and lost in selfishness - that I have nothing to give to you. Help me realize that all you expect from me during that time is to just love You and to hold on until the pain stops. Forgive me when my faith is weak and my dreams for the future get in the way. Thank you for your Son who showed me that I am lovable and worth saving. With this overwhelming gift of grace, love begins as a seed and is growing and scattering light into the dark shadows of my past and lighting a way through numbness - leading to weightloss. Successful eating, excercise - all of it can only be done if I follow your plan for success. It is in the name of Your glorious Son that I come to you today in prayer, Amen.

Lightness of Being

Unbearable Lightness of Being

John 12:46: "I am Light that has come into the world so that all who believe in me won't have to stay any longer in the dark." It has been said that darkness conceals reality but lightness exposes it. I am finding that exposing my life to "reality" or living each moment "real" is painful, exhausting work! I find myself needing to numb the pain with eating and when that does not work - eating again. The true reality is that there is no hope, no life in the darkness of my old habits. The only hope I have is through Jesus, the light of the world.

Psalm 80's refrain: "Restore us, O God of hosts; let your face shine, that we may be saved!" Jesus was the Light of the world and I can't move forward and conquer my old life of sin, of over eating and pain - I can't do it without Jesus lighting the way. John 1:4-5: "The Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone.⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it."

C.S. Lewis wrote an allegory ~ The Great Divorce. It is about the choices people make which ultimately mean heaven or hell. "Will you come with me to the mountains? It will hurt at first, until your feet are hardened. Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows." The person that was asked this question in the book wanted "assurances or guarantees". As the journey led to the mountain, the blades of grass were so beautiful that they were sharp like shards of glass, the sound of singing was so beautiful that it hurt the ears of those that were not used to it. Others ghosts wanted to go back to a dark, "safe" place where the painful light and sounds were muted. They had a choice of spending eternity praising God and basking in the glorious light or going back to the "controlled" sinful habits that they were used to. Some actually said, "Who wants to be rescued?" They did not desire it if it meant leaving their lives behind. One artist asked where all the distinguised people were. The answer was:"Don't you understand? The Glory flows into everyone, and back from everyone: like light and mirrors.

But the Light's the important thing."

Lord, illuminate my life with your unquenchable love and hope. Help me to focus on your light because all darkness and fear flees when your light shines on my heart. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

I Want It Now!

Day

I.G.S. = Immediate Gratification Syndrome. "This is a psychological state of mind that plagues us with the thought of living for today and for the moment. It causes us to do what we want instead of what we need. " As I am being healed of this "disorder" I find it difficult filling in the void. There is more time to think and feel and I find that I am almost desperate to stay busy, feel connected to something, to fill the void that I.G.S. left behind.

"Take food: those of us with eating issues always look at the “normies” and think how can they eat that and not think about it? Or not plan everything? or obsess? or count? I don't get how food isn't a big deal to them. It’s because food isn’t filling a void for them. It’s not a I MUST HAVE THAT NOW kind of thing. To normies, hunger is a gentle nudge saying “hey, you are low on fuel, you should probably eat soon,” and they go about their merry way until its convenient to eat. ....Its all about immediate gratification. People with food issues use food to fill some void, and when the slightest hint of a trigger arises, you need to fix it NOW......THAT’S how you know if you have issues with food. If you need food so intensely at any given moment, out of no where, whether you are hungry, anxious, sad, lonely, happy- anything, and you cant think about anything else until you get it (or deprive yourself of it, in an anorexic’s case) you are abusing food. Its like a drug fix- you cant think of anything else until you get that hit" posting by Kelly at http://www.wellsphere.com/home.s

As a teacher, my job gave me instant, immediate gratification. Every few minutes - students got it ~ there were "light bulb" moments every 20 to 30 minutes. Sometimes it was like fireworks! I love that part of the job. Then you drive away with papers to grade, lessons to plan, and the need for food becomes overwhelming. Eating would start ~ sometimes on the way home and continue until I would fall asleep.

When I became disabled, on my last day at school - I received a call from my Dad's caregiver that they were heading to the hospital. From Spring until mid-October, dealing with Hospice, death, trusts, estate sales, and family members has filled my time completely. When there was a down time - I would eat. In desperation I started the Medifast program in early September because, in that program, there were few choices to be made - just eat their foods, drink their shake and eat one meal. That has worked great until the last two weeks. Now everything has settled down and I am retired with lots of time on my hands. I find that I am back to thinking about eating or desperately rushing around trying to fill in the void. I don't want to rush into "works" just to keep busy. I want to be guided by the Lord and figure out what He wants me to do with my life. Like many people today - I am out of work and wondering what to do next with my life.

I found an example of someone desperate ~ David's need for immediate help, his plea is my plea also:

"But I've lost it. I'm wasted. God—quickly, quickly! Quick to my side, quick to my rescue! God, don't lose a minute. " Psalm 70:5 (The Message)

Same verse but New Living Translation: "But as for me, I am poor and needy; please hurry to my aid, O God. You are my helper and my savior; O Lord, do not delay."

Lord, Help! I am at a turning point in my life and I am very afraid of falling back into spending all of my "empty" times - the void - with food or thoughts of food. Hundreds of times a day I am finding an overwhelming hunger - a void to be filled. I rush here and there, rent a movie, think about food, but I know those are part of the old pattern. Help me to be still, learn from you in the silence and then "Go". I am not sure what my hands need to be doing, so Lord please come to my aid and help me, save me, and guide me. In my Savior's name I plead for guidance, Amen.

Pit of Disrepair

A dark pit of failure. Starting the day with plans to eat healthy, follow the program and continuing to loose weight ~ then going out into the world, getting beat up, and coming back home and eating. Stuffing the anger and confusion, the need to fit in, - stuffing it with food. For over 2 months I have been loosing weight - 38 lbs. and over 29 inches. I know it is all God's doing - all His victory.

"When people's steps follow the Lord,
God is pleased with their ways.
²⁴ If they stumble, they will not fall,
because the Lord holds their hand.." Psalm37:23-24

I read this passage and sometimes it doesn't help - I am still confused. I feel like I am in a tail spin - ready to hit bottom - hit it hard. That is what my feelings shout out with every emotional ache of failure. Today, I have to just believe with my mind, my soul - and hope the feelings will change. The Philippians 4 formula usually works and conquers my emotions. "Think on these things....". So this week, today, I will read passages that hold positive promises. Even though I don't feel the Lord's hand holding me - I will envision it there, think about how He showed His love to me thousands of times. I will hold on to God's promises.

Lord God Almighty, I am falling again into failure. Lord, so many controlling, abusive people poured evil thoughts into my mind for decades. All the voices from the past are shouting like loud winds, "You are worthless, you are broken and can't be repaired, you fail at everything, the Body is evil - and you can't control it without our help! God can help but, be practical, listen to us - we know you better." Lord, only Your presence helped me survive the lies and abuse. You held my mind in a secret place, helped me distance myself from the abuse - so that I could survive and learn to live again. Lord, I am hopeless at living a "normal" life. I don't know what to say to people and when I do try to engage in "small talk", I have little to relate to. How much time can someone spend talking about the weather? Lord, guide me in this "maturing" aspect of my life. Help me to know, really know you are with me everywhere. Help me remember that You can shout to the loud winds, "Be still!" and they obey Your commands. I need Your help, every step of my life. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

• Steven Curtis Chapman: Beauty Will Rise - Live ~
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=el-UboNj_nQ

Truly Lovable

Truly Loveable

Have you ever felt unloved, unlovable? I spent the last part of the week at my Dad's house, getting ready for the final move. After his death we had an estate sale and I knew that there would be unsold items to bring back to Dallas for a second sale. Workers found more than just old boxes of papers in the attic and what was going to be a simple move ended up being a nightmare. Friday they unloaded boxes into every room of my house in Dallas. Even my back patio has stacks of old furniture on it. The unfinished dreams, postponed projects, boxes of personal papers, and more bits of pieces of the past are now ramparts that must be maneuvered as I limp through the house. My electric wheelchair could not take the mess, and is now in need of repair. After all the movers, volunteers, and workers left, I was left alone to deal with this heap. As the quiet settled in and the rain began to fall from a grey sky, I felt so alone, so dejected. The task ahead seemed overwhelming. I thought that I was mostly done going through boxes, filing, shredding, and pricing. It will be another month, at least, before most of this is gone through; another six months before the boxes of papers and old books are sorted. The walls of boxes fence me in but this feeling of abandonment in the face of what seems to be impossible brought back old feelings ~ the feeling of being overwhelmed or surrounded by people that were unable to love me - as I was, as I am. They turned away because it was just too hard a task to deal with all of my unfinished dreams, postponed projects, personal tragedies, and scarred past. Now with a massive globular layer of fat surrounding my body and feeling like my family's past has encased me in boxes ~ I am finding it very hard to count my blessings, very hard to be positive. The weeping starts and will not stop. It is an effort to even breathe. The images and memories brought on by all of the boxes of papers, furniture, and household decorations ~ once again bring sorrow, anger, and so many other feelings. I know the crying is natural during the mourning process and that I am also so very, very tired. So once again I cry out, "Does anyone see me?!? Can anyone love me NOW?!? Can anyone love this mess that I am today?" The answer comes with a whisper and then a shout... ... ...

John 3:16 ~ " For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son". I go to the scriptures that have helped me in the past. ... ... ..."It wasn't so long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin. You let the world, which doesn't know the first thing about living, tell you how to live. .... .... immense in mercy and with an incredible love, He embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did all this on his own, with no help from us! Then he picked us up and set us down in highest heaven in company with Jesus, our Messiah. " Eph. 2:1-6 ... ... ... "God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him" I John 4:19 Once again, God's word to me gets through all the chaos and helps me put what I can't handle aside and focus on what I can do today.

Lord, please keep reminding me of Your place in my heart and in my life. Let Your love reign over me today and fill me with the peace during this time of sorrow and chaos. In my Savior's name, I pray. Amen.

Center Stage

Center Stage

Paul was sitting in a Roman prison praying for God's people in the city of Ephesus:

^" I have not stopped thanking God for you. I pray for you constantly, asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.

I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms." Eph. 1:17-20

This prayer goes out to the struggling christians in Asia Minor (now Turkey) and it also applies to me today. It is a prayer full of light and God's promises for me. Paul wants God to be center stage in my heart and he prays that the curtains of doubt be opened wide, the flood light be focused on the glory of God, so that I can have confident hope! With this knowledge and truth comes understanding of just how great the power of God is. This scripture always gives me a "light bulb" moment! Well, today, once again this scripture helps me, inspires me, and reminds me of God's promise for my life. In Phil. 1:6, I am reminded that:

"...God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."

I might not feel as if any good can come from my past life. I might not feel like I will ever, ever be whole and healthy. I might not understand, minute by minute, how God will make my life complete. But I have faith in God's power to conquer death and I have faith in His power to change my life. Do I always feel empowered? No, not always. The scriptures help me to open the curtains when things are dark and the words of truth shine the flood lights on Christ - not on me.

"Seek the Kingdom of God

^{above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Mathew 6:33}

So much of my past is coming forward to block my eyes, my mind, my heart from God's glory and His help in my life today. I have been on my diet, my personal "fast" for over three weeks now. In so many ways I am being set free from darkness but I still need to uncover more to see things clearly and to put every part of my life and path into the bright glory of the Lord's light.

"...the Lord's Spirit sets us free. So our faces are not covered. They show the bright glory of the Lord, as the Lord's Spirit makes us more and more like our glorious Lord." 2 Cor. 3:17-18

So with the Lord's help I will continue to eat right, eat healthy. Keeping a diet log, or diet journal sheds light on my daily path. Nothing is hidden from God, not even the food that I eat in the night. There is also no shame in the illuminated path toward the bright glorious body the Lord has ready for me. I might not get there on earth but that glory is around the corner. I have a promise that I will begin to "mirror" that glory, more and more each day while I am here on this earth. I hold onto that thought and that hope as I continue on my journey and quest for healthy living and eating.

Lord, once again I come to you, drawn by the light of Your words and promises. Thank you for all that you are showing me about my life and my past. It is not easy to shine the light on my shameful habits and past mistakes. My body is evidence of the dark days and the stretch marks tell a tale of diets started and stopped, and they are a testimony of my life of despair without you. Thank you for the hope that I now have in You. Keep my eyes on Your glory. In Christ's name I pray pleading, Amen.

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