Bad Choices

Bad Choices

It has been one of those days again! I start praying and wanting to do the Lord's will, eat correctly and healthy but the need becomes overwhelming and I am drawn away from doing what I know is right. I tell myself, "It's OK to go to the grocery store. You really do need to buy a few things". But down underneath the "reasoning" is the real truth - I am hungry for something that will make me feel better or just "feel" or as it was today - not feel anything at all. I get to the store and I tell myself that I will just stay on the aisles that have healthy food - just get in and get out. But it never works and the rationalizing begins... "oh, it won't hurt to have just a little..."

Marie T. Freeman once said, "No matter how many books you read, no matter how many schools you attend, you're never really wise until you start making wise choices."

So once again I go to God's word... James 1:5 (above) gives me hope but verse James 1:6 says, "But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind". The Word cuts like a sharp sword - it gives me such hope and purpose but it also sends the light of truth straight through to my heart and soul. Each time it does this - each time the truth really catches me with its spotlight, I curl up in a ball in bed and cry (if I could fall to my knees I would). The light shines on my sea-sick soul today because this addiction to food is killing me. I can't keep doing this! I am diabetic and I have to get this under control. My membership with Medifast has been "frozen" because of all the tests and my lack of balance. Perhaps I need to activate it again. But I want my health to improve and it is an extreme diet.... I will ask my doctor when I see him. Being obese is not helping my health at all!

So I come to God, seeking His forgiveness, seeking His wisdom and guidance... Yahweh - the only search engine I really need in life! "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you!" Matthew 6:33

Lord, I have failed you again. I am committing suicide little by little by eating unhealthy and giving into the "hunger" that becomes my every thought - until it is met. The gratification never lasts long and I am left washed up on the sharp rocks of failure and shame. Just like the disciples at Gethsemane, I have failed to stay alert and guard against temptation. I wanted to do what was right but I was weak and so stupid. Lord how can you put up with my constant failure! I can barely stand to be around me! Please Lord help me remember your love for me ~ when I am tempted again. Help me remember Christ's living, loving, and dieing for my sins. Help me remember the joy of my salvation, my baptism, and the good things that have been given to me. Help me choose wisely as I follow in the footsteps of your only begotten Son. Like him - let me think less of myself and more of others. Keep my hands, mind, and emotions busy in the service of my Lord and King. In His name I plead, Amen.

I Want It Now!

Day

I.G.S. = Immediate Gratification Syndrome. "This is a psychological state of mind that plagues us with the thought of living for today and for the moment. It causes us to do what we want instead of what we need. " As I am being healed of this "disorder" I find it difficult filling in the void. There is more time to think and feel and I find that I am almost desperate to stay busy, feel connected to something, to fill the void that I.G.S. left behind.

"Take food: those of us with eating issues always look at the “normies” and think how can they eat that and not think about it? Or not plan everything? or obsess? or count? I don't get how food isn't a big deal to them. It’s because food isn’t filling a void for them. It’s not a I MUST HAVE THAT NOW kind of thing. To normies, hunger is a gentle nudge saying “hey, you are low on fuel, you should probably eat soon,” and they go about their merry way until its convenient to eat. ....Its all about immediate gratification. People with food issues use food to fill some void, and when the slightest hint of a trigger arises, you need to fix it NOW......THAT’S how you know if you have issues with food. If you need food so intensely at any given moment, out of no where, whether you are hungry, anxious, sad, lonely, happy- anything, and you cant think about anything else until you get it (or deprive yourself of it, in an anorexic’s case) you are abusing food. Its like a drug fix- you cant think of anything else until you get that hit" posting by Kelly at http://www.wellsphere.com/home.s

As a teacher, my job gave me instant, immediate gratification. Every few minutes - students got it ~ there were "light bulb" moments every 20 to 30 minutes. Sometimes it was like fireworks! I love that part of the job. Then you drive away with papers to grade, lessons to plan, and the need for food becomes overwhelming. Eating would start ~ sometimes on the way home and continue until I would fall asleep.

When I became disabled, on my last day at school - I received a call from my Dad's caregiver that they were heading to the hospital. From Spring until mid-October, dealing with Hospice, death, trusts, estate sales, and family members has filled my time completely. When there was a down time - I would eat. In desperation I started the Medifast program in early September because, in that program, there were few choices to be made - just eat their foods, drink their shake and eat one meal. That has worked great until the last two weeks. Now everything has settled down and I am retired with lots of time on my hands. I find that I am back to thinking about eating or desperately rushing around trying to fill in the void. I don't want to rush into "works" just to keep busy. I want to be guided by the Lord and figure out what He wants me to do with my life. Like many people today - I am out of work and wondering what to do next with my life.

I found an example of someone desperate ~ David's need for immediate help, his plea is my plea also:

"But I've lost it. I'm wasted. God—quickly, quickly! Quick to my side, quick to my rescue! God, don't lose a minute. " Psalm 70:5 (The Message)

Same verse but New Living Translation: "But as for me, I am poor and needy; please hurry to my aid, O God. You are my helper and my savior; O Lord, do not delay."

Lord, Help! I am at a turning point in my life and I am very afraid of falling back into spending all of my "empty" times - the void - with food or thoughts of food. Hundreds of times a day I am finding an overwhelming hunger - a void to be filled. I rush here and there, rent a movie, think about food, but I know those are part of the old pattern. Help me to be still, learn from you in the silence and then "Go". I am not sure what my hands need to be doing, so Lord please come to my aid and help me, save me, and guide me. In my Savior's name I plead for guidance, Amen.

Salvation's Garden without Weeds

Salvation's Garden without the Weeds

I think survivors have layers of healing to deal with. There are times when something someone says or does triggers a part of the mind that has not been healed. "At the right time" God presents a challenge, a memory, a sore spot that needs to be healed - at that time. When this happens, I experience that moment in time as if it were happening again. I am shocked, angered, and worn out by the sharp reality of abuse, family secrets, and lies. I want to deny it all. Denial is the easy road to take. For those people that think that one zap heals all problems ~ that in one second God heals and allows an abused person to walk as a totally whole person - I say - that idea is probably cruel denial on their part. It is easier to deny the amount of work that must be done to heal from years of abuse. God made my mind so wonderfully that it allowed me to "be gone" mentally during years of abuse. If he had not blessed me with such a creative mind - I would have killed myself at age 8 or 9. The memory "switch" doesn't come back on all at once, revealing all the atrocities in the bright light of truth. God is gentle in his healing and kind, he guards and shelters us from those hurts that our minds cannot take in one revelation. He turns on the light with a "dimmer", letting me see what my soul can handle. Emotionally I know that I have to learn to crawl first and then walk before I can run. To expect anyone who comes from an abused background to be healed instantly - to zap the pain away or weight off - is just plain cruel.

You can tell that this is an emotionally charged issue for me. Today at the pool I thought that one lady was declaring that if I only prayed harder and forgive everyone that had ever hurt me - if I followed that quick and easy formula of faith - that complete healing was there for the taking. She asked if I had forgiven my mother. I told her yes. However, as new memories flood over me, as I walk forward into new situations in life and find that I was not taught a skill or my vision of life was warped by my mother's fears and brainwashing ~ new reasons to forgive and grow come to light. With these new memories - come momentary anger at what was done to a little girl.

As for the lady at the pool ~ I did get angry at her. Where did the anger come from? Who was I angry at? Then the Lord opened my mind and shed light on a few more past memories of other times when I had tried to loose weight... of other times that people said "just bow before the Lord, open your heart to Him and He will heal you - just believe!" Well, I spent years of pleading, I had bloodied knees and blood shot eyes from praying. God answered my prayers and taught me that He still loves me and there are natural, normal, God-created ways to heal the mind and spirit that has been abused. I am so thankful he sent me to the right people for help. I was blessed with therapists that let God heal me - layer by layer.

Life was unjust, people were unjust, and along the way people were foolish. Anger wells up inside me sometimes. Today triggered memories of times when God fearing brothers and sisters said inappropriate things because it was easy for them to say, "Just pray ~ God will heal you." They did not have the strength or knowledge to take the time back then and allowing me to work through the grief, disbelief, and lost years due to abuse. It helps me to realize that it was not their job and they could not handle it. They did not know what to say - so - out came their only advice. I try to remember that God has given me people who were sign posts, pointing the way to Him. Today, I am battling frustration and anger. Today, I turn again to God for help, for pruning, and for the watering of my soul:

^"Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. God's righteousness doesn't grow from human anger. So throw all spoiled virtue and cancerous evil in the garbage. In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation-garden of your life. " James 1:19-20 (The Message version)

My prayer is that I can learn to forgive others for being human and imperfect - forgive instantly and hold my tongue and my judgement of their inability to help me. I cannot expect others to understand the deep hurt and scars of abuse. I hope that next time I will understand that others do not see me - the real me - like God does ~~ and that is more than enough. There is a balm in Gilead!

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." Eph. 4:31-32 (New Living version)

So today I come before the great Gardener and plea for forgiveness and salvation. I hold onto the hope that healing will come. I rejoice in another week of healthy eating and weight loss. Without God's work in my "salvation garden", I would still be locked in the darkness of fear, rage, and shame. Without God's help and healing throughout the years I would be filling my hungry, battered, grief-stricken heart with food. He is setting me free and I know that some day soon I will bloom - it will be a blossom created by God and His nurtured seed in my heart will flower in His time and His season of joy.

Lord, today I come before you humbled by my human frailty, my weakness. So much of my life is still bound and chained by the emotions that are still hidden. Thank you for uncovering the layers of memories and hurt - using Your time table. You are truly wonderful and worthy to be praised. Thank you for the helpers that you have sent during my life's journey. Lord please help me to forgive those that meant well - but were insensitive. Help me to be slow to speak and even slower to show anger around others. Help me to deal with my anger in a contructive way. Thank you for those that have spent years training to be helpers to others - therapist, doctors, councilors, and ministers. They have such beautiful feet and such healing hearts. To You, Lord I give my anger today, and through my Redeemer's name I pray. Amen

My All

Day 14 & 15

Courage to heal ~ courage to deal ~ courage to give up self and cling to Jesus for everything ~ that is what it takes for me to wake up in the morning, get dressed and face another day without my "crutch", my addiction. Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." This is not an easy time for me. Food has been my immediate comfort. There have been days, weeks, years that it was almost my every thought. Crazy, right?! Not really. When life is unbearable, when memories are filled with horror, when it seems everyone has failed you and you are alone ~ something must fill that void. Many turn to their jobs and become "work-oholics" with no room for God, family, or anything else. You probably know someone with an addiction - a compulsive need for something that overpowers their thoughts and actions. They feel like they have no choice - they must smoke, drink, lie, gamble, steal, etc. Eating as an addiction presents a problem because food is needed to survive. Well, with me it is different. Once I start eating ~ I find it hard to stop eating. I dream about food! How can I conquer this obsession, this compulsive behavior. I have found the only way to do this is to fill my mind and life with something else. So off I go and become a compulsive Christian "do-gooder". I overpower people with my "mission", my longing to be useful and "at work" for the Lord. But isn't this just another behavior that I am using to "fill" my compulsive mind? Sometimes. It is so hard not to fill one compulsion with another. Many times I am still so tormented by my "need" for foods that have comforted me for decades, that I feel like I am in a storm of self-doubt and memories of all the times I have failed in the past. I cry out to the Lord in middle this dark fury of need and He rebukes the winds and waves of my confusion, my chaotic hungry thoughts and tells them to "Be still!". I know that only in Jesus and His word can I find what I need to fill the void in my life.

"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10 ..... .... .....

2 Peter 1: "His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. ⁴ Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." Desires - desires that are unhealthy and can and will cause corruption, compulsion, and death ~ if those desires are not dealt with. God is the only Way, the only healing power, the only One who can fill the void in my life. Over the years, one scripture in particular has helped me greatly when my emotions cause me to have overwhelming hunger ~ Phil. 4:8-9 "⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. "

The answer ~ The God of peace will be with me, when I am still and thinking of something other than my compulsion. Sometimes it is a song or scripture or just going out and watering my plants and searching for God's glory in the natural world around me. He grants serenity. He is sufficient (2 Cor.12:9) and I can conquer my cravings, my longings, my addiction to food with His help (Romans 8:37).

My God, I come to you today with such longing, such hunger! Please Lord help me be still and really know that You are my everything. Help my unbelief, Lord. I am so weak and I fall back into my compulsive behavior again and again. I know when I call on You - all things are possible with Your help! I ask for that help again today. Thank you for your precious gift of life and mercy. In the name of Jesus, my all in all, I pray, Amen.

Inside Out

Day Three

It's all about the image, right? Body image is a huge hurdle for me. When I look back at pictures of myself when I was younger, I am surprised because I was told I was fat all my life. Size 10 is not fat! Now I am size 5X or size 24 to 32 (depending on the fit of the cloths and if I have to sit down or not). Well, a scripture caught my eye late last night:

I Sam 16:7 "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." I have to keep reminding myself of this fact over and over again. If my heart and soul is purified by God's forgiveness, then the rest will follow.

Today is a good day when it comes to eating. When I feel overwhelmed, I try to remember that I am not alone in this quest for healing and becoming healthy in body, mind, and soul.

"Never will I leave you or forsake you" ~ God

Lord I rejoice that you look on the inside and not the outside! I can't wait until I exchange this earthly body for life eternal with You! Until that time comes Lord, help me look at my world and myself through Your eyes. Purify me daily ~ I pray this prayer in Christ's name.

Amen