Birth to Death

Lord, we pray for all the soldiers that are being sent around the world and that serve here at home. Please help us to remember those who gave their lives for America, even if we did not always agree on the military actions of that time in history. God, you are in control of our nation. Please guide our leaders, for without you ~ nations fall.
Today, and all weekend ~ I am so thankful for my earthly father. Everywhere he went, he put his job in the Lord's army first. He brought thousands to Christ but was a humble man. Even though he had over ten medals from various wars and won commendation after commendation - he always said it was an honor to serve his God and country ~ that he was just a soldier waiting for his next marching orders. Thank you Lord, God for examples like my Dad. We praise your name today and pray that whatever "marching orders" you send us, we will be listening for the call and be ready to serve you with all our hearts, minds, and will. In Christ, our Saviour's name, Amen.

My father was in WWII, two tours of duty in Vietnam, and served his country with destinction for over 50 years. His death last year has been difficult for me. Memorial Day, for me, has always involved the military aspect - honoring and remembering those who gave their lives for this country. This film takes a quiet moment to reflect..The melody was a nightly tune on every base that we lived on.
"Day is done, gone the sun, from the hills, from the lake, from the skies. All is well, safely rest, God is nigh. .....Go to sleep, peaceful sleep, may the soldier or sailor, God keep. On the land or the deep, safe in sleep."

To the Glory of God

Life=Risk

Life involves risk. To stay at home and do nothing because you are afraid of the risk, afraid of the pain means living a life that stifles God's sacrifice. I am trying to focus on God's love as I step out into new experiences and new trials. Every time I stand up ~ I am afraid that I will fall down. I have no feeling in my left leg and it is a very insecure feeling to step out hoping that I will not catch my toe on something or trip and fall again. Falling is not an option with all my replacement joints - but staying in bed, afraid, is not an option either! So I step out on faith - literally every day, every step. This film inspires me:

Tick, Tock

Tick, tock...

The end of 2009 draws closer. This week I have been trying to go through my father's personal papers - boxes and boxes. There were birth certificates and death certificates from relatives that I never met; pictures and letters from people who knew my parents or my grandparents but these things mean nothing to anyone who is living now. So I am left exhausted again and the urge to eat overtakes me. I have to stop and try to figure out what is causing this "hunger". I think it is the sense of my own mortality. Also - I have very little family left. My extended family (that are still alive) are strangers to me or they are either crazy, religious Pharisees, or non-christians. Every time I have contact with them, I make the effort to connect but we just don't have anything in common and I find it difficult when they buy into the disfunctional family system and the lies told about the abusers in the family. The wall of denial that they put up when I am around seems to be impossible to cross. So I am left with no family to visit during the holidays. The only reason I saw my niece and nephew, my brother and sister was because they visited my father when I was there taking care of him. Now that the inheritance has been dispersed ~ the only contact from them is when they email or call to ask, "Isn't there more?" Their greed and accusations hurt and anger me greatly. The lies continue to be spread around the family that is left- that I spent money on myself when I was in charge as my father's power of attorney and even now after his death as the trustee of his trust. They were not around to take care of my father so it was either hire caregivers or do the work myself. I have not paid back evil with evil and I have tried to "turn the other cheek", explain calmly but they continue to believe lies. I know that the greed and lies in my family system are smokescreens for the sins and secrets that the family wants to hide from. So they look for a scap goat. There is great evil at work in that family system; suicides abound in each generation and nothing gets better - just worse.
So today - with all of this - I want to stuff the loneliness, the anger, the disappointment, my personal insecurities about growing older - with eating and more eating. Christmas candy is on sale for 50% off! Then there is the fact that my birthday is in December. So with all this sadness weighing on my heart causing a black hole of hunger... I go to the only place where the truth can be found ~ to the scriptures:

Psalm 90:10 and then I read another passage: "By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return." Gen. 3:19 Whoa! Not a very encouraging thought... but as Paul Harvey used to say: "And now for the rest of the story". From Genesis on ~ every birth comes with Satan's deliberate signature of death written across our souls. I have to face it - I am destined to die. The older I get, the faster the years seem to fly and every month I am hearing of the death of someone that is my age or older. It is human nature to do anything to escape the tick, tock of my own doom's day clock - even as I mark my mortality with yearly celebrations such as birthdays. The rest of the story is: Christ is waiting to place his signature of life on my soul chained by death's chiming. Christ's signature erases Satan's handwriting. To get His signature, there are no long lines, no game levels to conquer, no payments and no one can stop Him from writing His name on my heart - no lies told by family can take it away. He gives His signature freely. He writes the signature with His own blood and grants never ending life stamped with God's own spirit. Am I ever glad that I went to His word today to help with my depression, my fears, my anger, my sorrows! Did it help with the eating and hunger? Yes, today it did! I passed by the aisles of candy and got some bottled water instead. I could not have done it without God filling my life, placing in my mind and heart His love, His healing balm. Thank heaven that my sins have been forgiven so that God can touch my life today and fill my every day with His glory. What do I need that the Lord has not already provided?
"Don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or if the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your inner life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the ravens, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, carefree in the care of God. And you count far more. ...People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself. " Luke 12

Lord God, thank you for helping though another very rough day! Lord watch over those members of my family and guide them to the truth. Help them to overcome their greed. Lord, let me go to your word which continually reminds me that no scheme of man can pluck me from Your hand. Lord, give me patience and love and help me to know what to do when it comes to my family. I have tried all my life to open their eyes to the truth but they are floating around in a grey mist trying to deflect the truth of abuse with secrecy and lies. If it is Your will that I keep on trying, please guide me in that direction and give me the strength to once more take the abuse, the slander, and the pain that comes with it. It hurts so much Lord, and it opens the memories and wounds of physical, sexual, verbal, and mental abuse. Lord thank you for your promise of eternal life with You. Without that vision, I would perish. Thank you for giving me all I need. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Bearable Vastness of Being

Bearable Vastness of Being

One of my favorite movies is Contact, taken from the novel by Carl Sagan. Ellie is an orphan who believes only what she can prove scientifically. In the end she has an experience that changes her into a person of faith, believing what she cannot prove. In the end she says, ""For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love" . Some people are afraid of vast places, big sky country, or staring down from high places. I understand these fears. For me it is heights that make my knees weak. Also when I am driving on an interstate and it spreads out to four or five lanes on each side. Perhaps it is the fear of losing control because there are too many lanes and cars to watch. I am not sure. Playing soothing music - such as instrumental hymns helps me slow my heart rate down. I pray for my safety and for the safety of others around me and try to breath and let God be in control. God has given me control of a car but I still have fear. Humans have made so many things to make our labors lighter and faster. Perhaps our fears have to do with putting trust in our own creations or putting trust in ourselves.

I feel the closest to God when I am in big sky country, with the stars spanning the skies - hugging me all around. I guess we all have our times where the vastness is unbearable or times and places where the vastness is not only bearable but peaceful and reassuring.

Psalm 8 says that we have been created to control many things on this earth but I guess the key is to know that it is God who created everything and controls everything ~ and everyone.

"Lord our Lord, your name is the most wonderful name in all the earth!
It brings you praise in heaven above. ....I look at your heavens,
which you made with your fingers. I see the moon and stars,
which you created. But why are people even important to you?
Why do you take care of human beings? You made them a little lower than the angels
and crowned them with glory and honor.
You put them in charge of everything you made. You put all things under their control: all the sheep, the cattle,
and the wild animals, the birds in the sky, the fish in the sea,
and everything that lives under water. Lord our Lord,
your name is the most wonderful name in all the earth! " Psalm 8

Lord God, I am so unworthy to be called your child, your creation. I do not honor your creation sometimes and race forward through the day until I am tired and full of fear. I try to cope by eating, and like a car that is out of control on the interstate - my life once again, feels out of control. The more I get out into the world to do your work, the more I am tempted to do things using my own power and reasoning. This only causes me to fail more. Please Lord, help me to start each task with the goal of glorifying you only. I need your love more than anything else. Thank you for showing me that love in the life, death, and resurrection of your perfect Lamb, your Son. Your name is truly wonderful! Through Jesus name I pray today, Amen.

Humble Beginnings

Tiny Ripple or Tsunami

Water, Water Everywhere

Jungle Out There

Day Eight & Nine

Monday and Tuesday flew by! Monday was physical therapy and then my caregiver/helper came by to work. I had made flyers to put up at Dallas Baptist University for roommates so we headed there to put them up. Because I am now on disability, I must take in roommates to help pay the mortgage. I took the wheelchair hoping to cruise around the campus and get some fresh air. It was a hilly campus and not as handicapped friendly as I thought. So I ended up hanging out in the car while Renee put up most of the signs. Then we went to Walmart and I did use my electric wheelchair. It is so easy to use and I spent too much time shopping. I was able to shop for food that will work well with the Medifast diet. We did not get home until almost rush hour. When Renee left I rested and went to bed early. Tuesday we worked on putting away boxes and items in my bedroom and put up drapes. When I moved into the house I nailed a bedspread over the bedroom window. It looks good now and the bedroom has been swept for the first time in a while. After I shattered my leg last October, the christian caregiver that I hired stole $4000 from my bank account and I had not had help since January. I did the best I could to keep things picked up and put away. Then my father's strokes and death happened in April and I brought boxes and boxes of paperwork and valuables home, where they have been left sitting for months. A friends came over after lunch today and helped clear out most of the old boxes out of the garage. What a blessing!

Dieting ~ well the last two days have been good. I am recording what I am eating and keeping busy or resting. Keeping busy is important and evenings are the hardest time of day. The cravings come hard and heavy ~ especially when all the commercials on TV are about food! There is one that is playing now from an ice cream store. They just shout the words ice cream, cake, ice cream, cake, ~ over and over again while showing flashes of ice cream and cake. Normally this wouldn't even tempt me but I was ready to get out into the car and drive there!

I am thankful for every minute that God helps me get through without falling into despair or pigging out. He is my only strength. I have been reading Max Lucado's book "Traveling Light, Releasing the burdens you were never intended to bear ~ the Promise of Psalm 23". In the chapter "It's a jungle out there" he talks about Psalm 23:3 ~ "He restores my soul." The book reminded me of several scriptures. In II Peter 2:11 "...you are like foriegners and strangers in this world". And also God encouraging me to lift my eyes from the jungle of temptations, fears, and hopelessness in Col. 3:2 ~ "Don't shuffle along, eyes on the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ... see things from His perspective."

One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 121 ~ "I lift my eyes to the hills - Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth...The Lord will keep you from all harm - He will watch over your life." So as I go through these days, struggling minute by minute to do what is right, to conquer fears and memories, and to forge new habits ~ I will try to remember who is watching over my whole life.

Lord God Almighty, thank you for another few days of help as I try to eat healthy. I am such a habit-bound, compulsive eater. My sin is ever before me and I feel like I am lost in a jungle of emotions. Help me find a lighted path to your salvation. I know that this will only happen when I follow Jesus, my Redeemer, my life. It is in His name I pray for mercy today, Amen.

God is good

Day Six

The second day with the Medifast diet went well. I stayed busy and I did not worry if I followed the plan exactly. What I mean to say is that I substituted other diet options for those that were in Medifast. It was probably a mistake to "start" as soon as I got the program directions, menus, etc. I had not shopped but I could not shop until I got all the instructions. Since shopping is quite an ordeal when you are in a wheelchair, I decided to do what I could to make the day successful. "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might." My caregiver came over and we cleaned out all the shelves, pantry, etc. and boxed up foods that are not on the program. Except for Healthy Choice and Lean cuisine frozen meals - I am set. The diabetic program I am on is 5 + 2 +2. This means that I must drink 5 shakes a day, eat 2 lean and green meals, and I can have 2 snacks. That is a great deal to think about - so for now I am supplementing some of the frozen dinners for the lean and green meals, sometimes adding extra veggies. I know canned veggies are not ideal but they will work in a pinch and I have about 25 cans that can fit well into the program. We worked hard today and the kitchen is organized and ready to go. I still need to shop weekly for fresh veggies and salad making materials but I will think about that on Monday when the caregiver comes back.

Listening to my YouTube playlist of Christian music helped me keep my momentum today. There were a few low periods. I am still going through boxes from my parent's house. There is so much to shred but in between 30 year old utility bills are pictures, notes, and other items that someone in the family might want. I think that if I can scan a great deal of the documents, notes, and pictures ~ the family members can pick which information or items that they want to print. That is a task that will have to wait. I am mostly sorting through paper work for garbage, filing, or shredding. At least the boxes that are left will be well labeled and organized. These should fit well in the garage. I am hoping to have roommates by September 1st, so there is a time crunch. I was not overwhelmed as much today. I cried a few times when I found pictures or notes, but that is OK.

Over all I feel tired but encouraged today.

John 4: 10,13-14 ~ Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water. ... Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

I have always loved this passage because so many of the people that Jesus stopped to talk to were broken. He met them by the roadside or under a tree and just began to speak. Everyday settings but unbelievable words of life. The formula for change and eternal life! That we have the gospel to read is a daily feast. I am thankful every day for His word of life. God is good ~ all the time. Psalm 116:5 ~ "How kind the Lord is! How good He is! So merciful, this God of ours!"