Changes

Changes

New medications, more tests, changing swimming pools, starting the next round of physical therapy, roommates moving out, fostering a new stray kitten until a new owner can be found..... So many changes, so little energy!

Moving On by Mark Lopez; reading this poem I several phrases struck a cord in me because of what is happening around me this week. Lopez starts off mentioning the importance of not impeding the caterpillar on its way to becoming a butterfly. Then big change happens ... "A cocoon separates you from yourself." and this change, this morphing into something new ends with ..." an energetic disruption of things familiar....Tip your wings on gentle breeze, and soar the rising thermal of life anew." Right now my roommates are moving out, and moving on with their lives. I will miss their youth and energy a great deal. You would think after all the changes I have experienced in my life that I would be used to it all. I was a military kid, then traveled and moved around on the mission field and then all around the states again. Now I own a house but don't know if I can afford to keep it. The advertising for roommates will begin in mid-summer at the local schools and colleges. This fall I am hoping to tutor students full time from my home - filling the house with the sounds of children laughing and learning, singing and debating.

I have prayed for help and for my future... change and growing is part of that process. It just seems to be harder the older I get. So as I seek to slow my anxious thoughts and pounding heart.... I go to the Word for guidance and comfort:

"So, my very dear friends, don't get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures." James 1:16-17
"I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us." Romans 8:38-39
God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles,They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind." Isaiah 40:28-31 "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10

Lord, I am sitting in a mess of chaos again. Surrounded by boxes, people coming and going, strange voices echo in the halls as people help to move out my roommates. Lord thank you so much for providing Kate and Amanda - even if it was for a short time. They were honest, kind and I felt safe with them in the house. Lord help me to remember that You are with me and that whatever the future brings ~ You will be by my side. Forgive me when I am afraid or when I doubt your loving care for me. I am so unworthy of the matchless gift that you have given. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Tuning Up

Tuning Up

Jesus loves me unconditionally. Why is that so hard to believe? Is it because the people that were suppose to love me - love the cute baby from birth - just could not show love. If someone doesn't know what unconditional love feels like - how do you recognize it when it is offered? The answers to these questions are still unclear to me. I believe but I pray each day for God to help my unbelief!

"And now I have it all—and keep getting more! ...You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. Yes!" Phil. 18-20. I have to keep reminding myself that Christ accepts me the way I am ~ blind, scarred by life, wounded, and fearful. Charles Stanley puts it this way: " He (God) never expects you to "get good" before you "get God" - There isn't a situation in your life that is beyond His awareness, His concern, and His tender care."

"Then will I go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp,
O God, my God." Psalm 43:4

In my life, I was surrounded by tone deaf musicians of love. The lessons that they taught were warped by fear, anger, and discord. I feel that God is tenderly reteaching me, reworking me into an instrument of joy and love that can, eventually, live a love song of praise to Him. He is the great Maestro, retuning my heart for unconditional love and a joyous celebration of praise.

Lord Father, thank you for Your Son, who gave His life - unconditionally. Take my life and conduct each stanza, each beat. Tune my heartstrings to love as Christ did - unconditionally, sacrificially, with joy and trust. To You be all the glory, and through Christ's name I pray this prayer and sing your praise! Amen.

Release the Balloons

Release the Balloons

In Psalm 30:5, David says, "Joy comes in the morning." I find that it is easier to find joy in the morning time. Even with aching muscles and bad breath, I find it easier to be joyful in the morning, before the pressures of the day come to mind and I start rushing around. The day starts out full of promise and hope.

Psalm 5:11-12 (New Living Translation): "But let all who take refuge in You rejoice; let them sing joyful praises forever. Spread your protection over them, that all who love your name may be filled with joy. For you bless the godly, O Lord, you surround them with your shield of love." Psalm 119:1-2: "Joyful are people of integrity, who follow the instructions of the Lord. Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts."

My religious upbringing was far from joyful and time in church was spent sitting up straight and not drawing attention to yourself in any way.

A story by Bruce Larson illustrates what worship service was like for me and it still resembles many assemblies today:

"A conference at a church was being held. People were given helium-filled balloons and told to release them at some point in the service when they felt like expressing joy in their hearts. Since they were a ____ group (denomination omitted), they weren't free to say "Hallelujah, Praise the Lord!" All through the service balloons ascended, but when it was over one-third of the balloons were unreleased."

It is important that my worship be all about praising God. That alone! Yes, edifying or uplifting others goes hand in hand with this. I think that worship should be the family of God coming together to feast on His word and glorify His name. The focus cannot and should not be about me or my gift. In the past I have worried about offending others and I have been too "uptight" to worship God joyfully.

It is time to release my balloons!

"This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!" Psalm 118:24

Lord, help me to see your beauty and glory in the early morning light. Help me to follow your instructions given in your word. Thank you Lord for your mercy and grace. Please take the chains off my heart, free my hands so they may rise up in praise to you, and Lord open my mouth so that I can praise your name loudly with joy. In my Savior's name I pray, Amen.

http://www.myspace.com/tracybarfieldsongwriter for "Let the Morning Bring"

For the trees

For the Trees

Ever heard of the phrase "can't see the forest for the trees"? It is used to describe someone who is focusing too much on the details, on specific problems. That person is missing the main point, not understanding the whole situation, and is in great need of someone to help them see clearly. Why do I bring this up? I love trees! They have always been a comfort and a theme that runs through my life. They are like huge arrows pointing to heaven; messengers of God's creation and His love for me.

Last year I went to an exhibit opening in San Antonio. I lived there for a while when I was younger. Just like a winter tree with the last few leaves hanging on as the blasts of icy wind shake the limbs, my memories of that house in San Antonio are very few. I have held onto what memories I have tenaciously. My sister told me yesterday that we lived there for more than 6 years. How can that be? I thought I had lived there just 2 years! I only have a few memories! Were the buried memories so horrific? Was I disassociating so much that those years are lost forever? What good memories and happy times were lost? Why can't I remember?! Once again, as I ponder these things, I am thrown into despair and depression. It was not looking like a good day.....for dieting, for anything. Then I searched for and found the pictures that I had taken a year ago when I was in San Antonio. I had gone by the house my parents had built over 30 years ago - their retirement home (for a few short years). I do remember my Dad planting the young trees, placing small wooden stakes and ropes to secure them so that they would not break in the wind. The pictures I took last year of the house and the front and back yard showed how huge and strong the trees had grown - in those 30 years. (The house and trees are in picture below with scripture.) There was evidence of limbs that had broken off and then trimmed. Over all, even with a few scars, they were gigantic and healthy looking. Sometime during our stay in that house, Dad was recruited to work for the military as an advisor. The house in San Antonio, the retirement home was sold so that we could move again, again, and again.

Perhaps my memories of that time are like the large branches of the trees, gone and discarded - so that the tree itself would remain healthy, growing strong and soaring toward heaven. I don't really know. What I do know - if I need to dig up the memories so that I can heal, get healthy, and move forward - God will help me find a path through that dark forest of pain. However, if the memories are gone forever - I will have to look at the big picture and focus on the part of me that is healthy and strong. It won't be easy. It is not easy having missing pieces of your life. I know that God will help me deal with any difficulty, even depression.

Trees can continue to grow, even during a draught. In the last 30 years San Antonio has had many draughts but even a little rain spitting down from the sky or watering once a week can sustain a tree - if the roots are deep enough. Even spit can heal and provide a new life.

Can't see the forest for the trees?.....Jesus had just fed thousands of people with just a little food. You would expect the next act to be grand - not spit related! In the city of Bethsaida Jesus met a blind man. Instead of healing him so all could see, he led the man out of town and spit in his face! At first the man could not see the "forest for the trees" but soon he was able to see everything clearly - he saw the people in the distance. Did he run back to the village shouting praises, starting a new ministry of praise? No - Jesus sent him back to his house and told him not to tell the village. That does not make sense at first. Think about it. Maybe, like the blind man, ours is a private healing. Sometimes our time with the Lord and what we go through with Him is best kept to ourselves. Perhaps it is because He is not finished with us yet and before we go "out into all the world".... we first need to go home to a closet and continue the healing process. I believe in my case - I am still in the closet of prayer and healing. The Lord has shown me His glory - one more time. His beautiful creation, the trees, pointed the way again. He has bathed my eyes with healing tears and given me work today to do at home.

Lord, please help me to see my whole life through your eyes, so that I can see clearly. Help me to know what I am to do in your service. You have given me healing and talent to do your will. There are so many choices, so many needy people, and it can be confusing. I run ahead of you sometimes, shouting your praises, doing what I can chaotically but running into trees. Lead me day by day, minute by minute. Plant your word in my heart so that I can stand strong through any storm and always point toward your glory. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.