Bearable Vastness of Being

Bearable Vastness of Being

One of my favorite movies is Contact, taken from the novel by Carl Sagan. Ellie is an orphan who believes only what she can prove scientifically. In the end she has an experience that changes her into a person of faith, believing what she cannot prove. In the end she says, ""For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love" . Some people are afraid of vast places, big sky country, or staring down from high places. I understand these fears. For me it is heights that make my knees weak. Also when I am driving on an interstate and it spreads out to four or five lanes on each side. Perhaps it is the fear of losing control because there are too many lanes and cars to watch. I am not sure. Playing soothing music - such as instrumental hymns helps me slow my heart rate down. I pray for my safety and for the safety of others around me and try to breath and let God be in control. God has given me control of a car but I still have fear. Humans have made so many things to make our labors lighter and faster. Perhaps our fears have to do with putting trust in our own creations or putting trust in ourselves.

I feel the closest to God when I am in big sky country, with the stars spanning the skies - hugging me all around. I guess we all have our times where the vastness is unbearable or times and places where the vastness is not only bearable but peaceful and reassuring.

Psalm 8 says that we have been created to control many things on this earth but I guess the key is to know that it is God who created everything and controls everything ~ and everyone.

"Lord our Lord, your name is the most wonderful name in all the earth!
It brings you praise in heaven above. ....I look at your heavens,
which you made with your fingers. I see the moon and stars,
which you created. But why are people even important to you?
Why do you take care of human beings? You made them a little lower than the angels
and crowned them with glory and honor.
You put them in charge of everything you made. You put all things under their control: all the sheep, the cattle,
and the wild animals, the birds in the sky, the fish in the sea,
and everything that lives under water. Lord our Lord,
your name is the most wonderful name in all the earth! " Psalm 8

Lord God, I am so unworthy to be called your child, your creation. I do not honor your creation sometimes and race forward through the day until I am tired and full of fear. I try to cope by eating, and like a car that is out of control on the interstate - my life once again, feels out of control. The more I get out into the world to do your work, the more I am tempted to do things using my own power and reasoning. This only causes me to fail more. Please Lord, help me to start each task with the goal of glorifying you only. I need your love more than anything else. Thank you for showing me that love in the life, death, and resurrection of your perfect Lamb, your Son. Your name is truly wonderful! Through Jesus name I pray today, Amen.

It Is Well, With My Soul

My All

Day 14 & 15

Courage to heal ~ courage to deal ~ courage to give up self and cling to Jesus for everything ~ that is what it takes for me to wake up in the morning, get dressed and face another day without my "crutch", my addiction. Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." This is not an easy time for me. Food has been my immediate comfort. There have been days, weeks, years that it was almost my every thought. Crazy, right?! Not really. When life is unbearable, when memories are filled with horror, when it seems everyone has failed you and you are alone ~ something must fill that void. Many turn to their jobs and become "work-oholics" with no room for God, family, or anything else. You probably know someone with an addiction - a compulsive need for something that overpowers their thoughts and actions. They feel like they have no choice - they must smoke, drink, lie, gamble, steal, etc. Eating as an addiction presents a problem because food is needed to survive. Well, with me it is different. Once I start eating ~ I find it hard to stop eating. I dream about food! How can I conquer this obsession, this compulsive behavior. I have found the only way to do this is to fill my mind and life with something else. So off I go and become a compulsive Christian "do-gooder". I overpower people with my "mission", my longing to be useful and "at work" for the Lord. But isn't this just another behavior that I am using to "fill" my compulsive mind? Sometimes. It is so hard not to fill one compulsion with another. Many times I am still so tormented by my "need" for foods that have comforted me for decades, that I feel like I am in a storm of self-doubt and memories of all the times I have failed in the past. I cry out to the Lord in middle this dark fury of need and He rebukes the winds and waves of my confusion, my chaotic hungry thoughts and tells them to "Be still!". I know that only in Jesus and His word can I find what I need to fill the void in my life.

"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10 ..... .... .....

2 Peter 1: "His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. ⁴ Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." Desires - desires that are unhealthy and can and will cause corruption, compulsion, and death ~ if those desires are not dealt with. God is the only Way, the only healing power, the only One who can fill the void in my life. Over the years, one scripture in particular has helped me greatly when my emotions cause me to have overwhelming hunger ~ Phil. 4:8-9 "⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. "

The answer ~ The God of peace will be with me, when I am still and thinking of something other than my compulsion. Sometimes it is a song or scripture or just going out and watering my plants and searching for God's glory in the natural world around me. He grants serenity. He is sufficient (2 Cor.12:9) and I can conquer my cravings, my longings, my addiction to food with His help (Romans 8:37).

My God, I come to you today with such longing, such hunger! Please Lord help me be still and really know that You are my everything. Help my unbelief, Lord. I am so weak and I fall back into my compulsive behavior again and again. I know when I call on You - all things are possible with Your help! I ask for that help again today. Thank you for your precious gift of life and mercy. In the name of Jesus, my all in all, I pray, Amen.