New Cloths for Spring

New Cloths for Spring

Spring is supposed to be a new beginning, a new start ~ freshness in the air after the damp, cold air of winter. For me, Spring has meant increased pain and more tests; MRIs, blood work ~ all adding up to medical bills totaling over $60,000 in 30 days. As I have shared before, my past "pain killer" or escape from emotional and physical pain has always been food, especially chocolate. I have been unable to swim and when I get out at all, it is usually for less than an hour. But through all of this, God keeps sending me His word through various formats. Even though my weight loss has stalled, I know God wants me to continue the good fight, continue redeeming my body as His temple. That He is changing me from the inside out is amazing; even though the sins of others scarred my body for life and my sins and lack of faith continued that dispair and destruction - - until God started me on this journey, recorded in this blog. Today God sends light to my path of darkness and calls me to a vision filled with hope of eternal life and He wants me to put on New Cloths this Spring:

"You're done with that old life. It's like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you've stripped off and put in the fire. Now you're dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it.... From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ. So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it. Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way." Col. 3:10-17

Here is Tim Lewis talking to other Christians about Col. 3:

Dear Lord, I come before you again today, pleading for your mercy and forgiveness. I give up so easily when I am surrounded by pain. Surround me with Your love ~ my Lord, my God. Help me to remember Christ's sacrifice and wounds. Eternity with You is my goal and my dream. All I really know is that I love you ~ You are my life, my breath. Please help me keep the vision of eternal life with You in front of my mind, my thoughts each minute of each day. Thank you for your word that lights up my life. Lord, there are so many people hurting and dyeing today. Surround them with love and send helpers to them. Bless those that take your message to others, whether it be online, standing in a building or walking the dusty paths in foreign lands. Lord, it is in Your Son's name I pray today, Amen.

Helping me focus on life eternal and transformation ~

Grady King's ending of Sermon "Tears of Hope":

The Lonely Road

Day Twelve & Thirteen

Why is Sunday the loneliest day of the week? I think it is because I miss the fellowship of Christians. Due to my emotional problems and my physical disability, I find it difficult to get to the church building. When discussing it with Christians at the fellowship where I have "membership", I have heard this comment more than once: "Isn't there a place closer to your house where you can worship?" The pain of this attitude and insensitivity haunts me today again. I already feel like I don't belong any place. I already feel like no one could possible accept me - the real me - that was battered and abused, that is now healing but struggling with so many feelings. I know if I go to church, I will probably cry because grief and guilt are so close to the surface. Isn't there any place where keening is accepted? We live in such a puritanically society where emotions that are expressed loudly are met with, "Can't you find someone to help you?", "Shouldn't you be in therapy?", "Just pray and the pain will pass". ... In other cultures, people are hired to keen, weep, and wail at funerals. Why? To make sure that those that are mourning feel comfortable in crying out loud and to direct the attention of others toward the loudest sound, the ones ripping their cloths and pounding their chests. I long for keeners! I long for someone to be there and comfort me during the darkest time or even the times that sneak up on you - when you find yourself crying for no reason that you can pinpoint. The feeling of loneliness is overpowering sometimes. Sundays - people fellowship and praise God together - together. Sundays - people go out to eat and laugh over weekly events or just a toddler trying to get a carrot stick up their nose while sitting in a restaurant highchair. Sundays - fellowship with a party atmosphere - afternoon bridal showers, meals in homes followed by afternoon games - football on TV, Wii or Nintedo, or just watching through the window and sipping iced tea as children play in the backyard, inventing their own games. Sundays - the redeemed come together before the table to remember the best gift - salvation through a Lamb's blood, splattered on the doorstep of sinful hearts. What ever happen to Christians bringing the Lord's Supper to the homebound and the sick? Do we have to request this visit? Why should we beg and plead for visitors? Who will take the effort to invite a wounded, disabled mess to their feast - their "party"? Do I have to be the one to make sure the house is handicapped accessable? Do I have to drive to a house ahead of time and "scope it out"? I asked to be placed in a fellowship group or life group that was close to where I live and handicapped accessable - but I have never heard a word? No, I never had a call. What ever happened to friends like the ones in Mark 2:1-5 that actually tore a hole in a roof to make sure their friend could be at Jesus feet. ... ... ...

Today, I feel lonely and betrayed. I "went" on mission fields when few would go. I know I am nothing and any effort I made in the past was nothing... any reward heavenly. I did those things joyfully (or as joyful as an emotional survivor with unresolved issues could). But if I could go and help others - as wounded and flawed as I was, why can't others come to me on paved roads, into a subdivision that is accessed by five major roads?... .... ...

I know God was and is always with me but I feel lonely and sick with sorrow today. One of the greatest dangers being in the presence of loneliness too long is its companion - bitterness. .... .... ....

"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted" David said this in Psalm 25:16. .... .... Moses cried to his people, "What great nation has a god as near to them as the Lord, our God, is near to us?". ... .... "God...will never leave you or forsake you" Deut. 31:6. .... .... .... ....

So today, like many, many days, I have a choice to make: run away from the loneliness and bitter pain by eating, numbing out with movies and lots of food OR opening the drapes, letting the sun shine in and run toward Jesus, viewing the world and my problems as though they were behind me - with Christ before me. It is a hard choice: stretching away the sore muscles of pain's past and setting foot - in front of foot - - going forward (even if it is with a walker). ... .... ... For this moment - I choose Christ. My prayer is that I will always run forward with Christ instead of staying in the dark valley of loneliness. He fought the loneliness of Gethsemane, where the darkness and burden of all our sins forced him face down in the dirt. However, He split the heavens of hope open wide with His resurrection ~ showing us a lighted path out of loneliness and despair. So because He fought loneliness and won, I can do it! Thinking about Him and His love for me - I feel less lonely. ... ... .... .... "Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith." Heb. 12:1-2 .... .....

Lord, help me out of the dark, bitter place called loneliness. Help me to think of others that are lost without hope, instead of wondering why pain lingers like a ghost in every room of my house. Thank you for Jesus and His gift of love. Help me look at Him ~ as I climb out of despair and run the daily race. Through His name I pray, Amen. ..... ....

Jungle Out There

Day Eight & Nine

Monday and Tuesday flew by! Monday was physical therapy and then my caregiver/helper came by to work. I had made flyers to put up at Dallas Baptist University for roommates so we headed there to put them up. Because I am now on disability, I must take in roommates to help pay the mortgage. I took the wheelchair hoping to cruise around the campus and get some fresh air. It was a hilly campus and not as handicapped friendly as I thought. So I ended up hanging out in the car while Renee put up most of the signs. Then we went to Walmart and I did use my electric wheelchair. It is so easy to use and I spent too much time shopping. I was able to shop for food that will work well with the Medifast diet. We did not get home until almost rush hour. When Renee left I rested and went to bed early. Tuesday we worked on putting away boxes and items in my bedroom and put up drapes. When I moved into the house I nailed a bedspread over the bedroom window. It looks good now and the bedroom has been swept for the first time in a while. After I shattered my leg last October, the christian caregiver that I hired stole $4000 from my bank account and I had not had help since January. I did the best I could to keep things picked up and put away. Then my father's strokes and death happened in April and I brought boxes and boxes of paperwork and valuables home, where they have been left sitting for months. A friends came over after lunch today and helped clear out most of the old boxes out of the garage. What a blessing!

Dieting ~ well the last two days have been good. I am recording what I am eating and keeping busy or resting. Keeping busy is important and evenings are the hardest time of day. The cravings come hard and heavy ~ especially when all the commercials on TV are about food! There is one that is playing now from an ice cream store. They just shout the words ice cream, cake, ice cream, cake, ~ over and over again while showing flashes of ice cream and cake. Normally this wouldn't even tempt me but I was ready to get out into the car and drive there!

I am thankful for every minute that God helps me get through without falling into despair or pigging out. He is my only strength. I have been reading Max Lucado's book "Traveling Light, Releasing the burdens you were never intended to bear ~ the Promise of Psalm 23". In the chapter "It's a jungle out there" he talks about Psalm 23:3 ~ "He restores my soul." The book reminded me of several scriptures. In II Peter 2:11 "...you are like foriegners and strangers in this world". And also God encouraging me to lift my eyes from the jungle of temptations, fears, and hopelessness in Col. 3:2 ~ "Don't shuffle along, eyes on the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ... see things from His perspective."

One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 121 ~ "I lift my eyes to the hills - Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth...The Lord will keep you from all harm - He will watch over your life." So as I go through these days, struggling minute by minute to do what is right, to conquer fears and memories, and to forge new habits ~ I will try to remember who is watching over my whole life.

Lord God Almighty, thank you for another few days of help as I try to eat healthy. I am such a habit-bound, compulsive eater. My sin is ever before me and I feel like I am lost in a jungle of emotions. Help me find a lighted path to your salvation. I know that this will only happen when I follow Jesus, my Redeemer, my life. It is in His name I pray for mercy today, Amen.

The Search Begins

Day One

The search began for the right plan for loosing weight. At one time I weighed 365 pounds! For a 5 foot 4 inch female that was a tremendous burden. In 1987 I used the Medifast weight loss plan given through a hospital. It was fasting using liquid shakes only. I lost 75 pounds and have kept below 300 every since. This has been through a divorce, putting myself through college, the death of my mother, two layoffs, a ten year career as a 5th grade teacher, four major surgeries, and taking care of my elderly father for four years. Through all of this I managed to hold on and not gain weight. The last 4 months have been extremely difficult and I am beginning to gain weight again. I was forced to go on permanent disability after shattering my left femur in a fall, my father had two major strokes and passed away after 20 days of hospice, and the caregiver that was taking care of me stole over $4,000 from my bank accounts.

I went to Medifast today and listened to the facts and costs of the program. Now I am praying for the guidance that I need. I cannot endure bariatric surgery, staples or rubber bands in my body. Some might think Medifast is drastic but it worked for me in the past. My doctor approves and said he would monitor me and my therapist will help me through the emotional part of loosing the weight.

With so many ads, products, and promotions for loosing weight ~ I turn to God and His word:

Psalm 63:1 "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water."

I know He will guide me.

Lord, I come before you now longing for guidance. Help me to not be afraid. Give me boldness and self-control when it comes to dieting. Lord I thirst for your love and I want to be healed by your hand. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.