Peter said, "No! Lord."

Peter Said "No"!

God had things in motion. Salvation was finally going to be sent out to Gentiles. Cornelius, a respected Roman soldier, was waiting for God to send a messenger, Peter. But when God talked to Peter in a vision, Peter said "No, Lord!" to God's command. I am sure he was very confused. God himself had given the laws about eating unclean animals but the vision was not about killing and eating animals. It was God showing Peter that the old laws were gone and the new law meant breaking bread with the "unclean" Gentiles. So even though Peter said "No, Lord!", God's plan would not be stopped.

Corrie ten Boom wrote: " Peter said, "No, Lord!" But he had to learn that one cannot say "No" while saying "Lord" and that one cannot say "Lord" while saying "No". This quote really struck me last night as I was reading a book of devotional lessons and prayers for women. Why? Because for as long as I can remember, no - was the word echoing in my mind ~ for as long as I can recall. While I was proclaiming aloud, "Yes, mam. Yes, sir." ~ the loud chiming of "NO! NO! NO!" rang in my ears, deep in my mind. The sound was deafening and it blocked me from a normal life. It blocked love from coming completely in and it blocked me from loving and trusting others freely. The knelling would start anytime relationships became close, "No one can be trusted! No, they will hurt you! No, you are not worthy of love!"

When I read the quote from Corrie ten Boom last night, I first thought about her life and how much I have respected her sacrifice over the years and how I have cherished her writings and wisdom. Even in the Nazi concentration camp, Ravensbruck, she continued to say "Yes, Lord" when she could have said no to the horror, the daily suffering, the death of loved ones.... My mind would have gone into numb mode, disassociating from reality and "No! No! No! Dear God No!" would be coming out of my heart, mind, and mouth. Then I remembered some of Corrie ten Booms other words:

"We are not called to be burden-bearers, but cross-bearers and light bearers. We must cast our burdens on the Lord."... " Worry does not enable us to escape evil; it makes us unfit to cope with it when it comes." ..." Every experience God gives us, every person he brings into our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only he can see." ...." When God allows extraordinary trials for His people, He prepares extraordinary comforts for them." " There is nothing anybody else can do that can stop God from using us. We can turn everything into a testimony."

"All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too. ...Whatever God has promised gets stamped with the Yes of Jesus. In him, this is what we preach and pray, the great Amen, God's Yes and our Yes together, gloriously evident. God affirms us, making us a sure thing in Christ, putting his Yes within us. By his Spirit he has stamped us with his eternal pledge—a sure beginning of what he is destined to complete." 2 Corinthians 1: 3-5; 20-22

Wow! These scriptures help me so much! Even though terrible things happen - things that make the heart curl up and scream "No! Please God, no!", God still counsels me with a healing affirmation and places His "Yes" within me. Now I look back at the little girl that I was, who screamed no to God. She survived, hidden away - disassociated from the harsh, real world. Yet, that little girl was stamped with Yes!

It is the eternal pledge of God that my life and my end will not be a sad, frightened "No" but a new glorious life and in the end, a last peaceful, joyous "Yes".

Lord, thank you so much for your word, your promises. Without it I would be lost and afraid every day. Forgive my lack of faith when I get caught up in the pain and horror of this earthly life. That you have provided a purpose filled life for me that is stamped with your affirming "Yes" - it is too much to take in! Thank you Lord for salvation through Christ, your Son. How can I keep from singing your praise and joining in the chorus of "Yes". Help me to focus on the "Yes" and go, like Peter, to places unfamiliar, places that might be new and a little frightening. Through Christ I make this request: keep guiding me, keep counseling me, help me see the yes and not the no.... Amen

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Cor. 3:18

Changes

Changes

New medications, more tests, changing swimming pools, starting the next round of physical therapy, roommates moving out, fostering a new stray kitten until a new owner can be found..... So many changes, so little energy!

Moving On by Mark Lopez; reading this poem I several phrases struck a cord in me because of what is happening around me this week. Lopez starts off mentioning the importance of not impeding the caterpillar on its way to becoming a butterfly. Then big change happens ... "A cocoon separates you from yourself." and this change, this morphing into something new ends with ..." an energetic disruption of things familiar....Tip your wings on gentle breeze, and soar the rising thermal of life anew." Right now my roommates are moving out, and moving on with their lives. I will miss their youth and energy a great deal. You would think after all the changes I have experienced in my life that I would be used to it all. I was a military kid, then traveled and moved around on the mission field and then all around the states again. Now I own a house but don't know if I can afford to keep it. The advertising for roommates will begin in mid-summer at the local schools and colleges. This fall I am hoping to tutor students full time from my home - filling the house with the sounds of children laughing and learning, singing and debating.

I have prayed for help and for my future... change and growing is part of that process. It just seems to be harder the older I get. So as I seek to slow my anxious thoughts and pounding heart.... I go to the Word for guidance and comfort:

"So, my very dear friends, don't get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures." James 1:16-17
"I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us." Romans 8:38-39
God doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles,They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind." Isaiah 40:28-31 "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10

Lord, I am sitting in a mess of chaos again. Surrounded by boxes, people coming and going, strange voices echo in the halls as people help to move out my roommates. Lord thank you so much for providing Kate and Amanda - even if it was for a short time. They were honest, kind and I felt safe with them in the house. Lord help me to remember that You are with me and that whatever the future brings ~ You will be by my side. Forgive me when I am afraid or when I doubt your loving care for me. I am so unworthy of the matchless gift that you have given. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

The Fallen Returns

Confession ~ The Fallen Returns..

Tonight, again, I am watching the finals to The Biggest Loser on TV. For weeks I have been so depressed and felt like giving up on everything. I kept trying to count my blessings- so many tests showed nothing wrong. So when I was told that I was having seizures and that I would have to start on medication that costs $200 to $300 a month...well, I gave up! For over 4 weeks - I just gave up! Everyday I prayed and thanked God for a new day of life but when I started eating - starting at breakfast .... I did not stop eating until bedtime. I have gained 18 lbs of 45lbs that I had lost!
When I see the amazing weight loss of those on TV... I get even more discouraged. The Lord is on my side! How can I not be a "winner". But then I have to remind myself that life is not a competition and I should not compare myself to anyone else. God does not compare me to anyone else. I am unique and His treasure, His creation. My soul will stand alone before the throne of God to be judged. I am responsible for my life, my sins, ....tonight - I come before Him once again confessing my sins, my addiction to food, and my fears, my lack of faith in God's love.

So, once again, I write this entry as part of a journal, searching every day for the Way to turn hunger and thirst for love into a spiritual feast that replaces emotional eating habits. The days that I write in the online journal - those days and those blog entries are testimony, not of my success, but of God's guidance in my life and His love for me. So I go back and read the entries, read the scriptures that got me through a difficult day. I listen to the songs that helped me through temptation before. Journaling is so helpful as a tool to understanding why I eat, to see what my true weaknesses are, my triggers.

God's words continue to guide me - today, about temptation, confession, and that God is in control. Here are some basic thoughts the scriptures that support those thoughts:

Jesus is my Lord. The devil has no power over me. (Matthew 28:18; Colossians 1:13); In Jesus’ name I can block satan from controlling my life and forbid him from bothering me in any way. (Mark 16:17; James 4:7); No weapon formed against me shall prosper. (Isaiah 54:17); I fear no evil for You are with me Lord. (Psalm 23:4); Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. (1 John 4:4); Christ has set me free from the curse of sin and death. By His wounds, I have been healed. (Galatians 3:13; 1 Peter 2:24); The Lord is my Shepherd. I do not lack. (Psalm 23:1); My God is supplying all I need. (Philippians 4:19); I am a child of Almighty God. He loves me and takes good care of me. (Matthew 6:32-33; 7:11); The Lord is my Helper. I will not be afraid. (Hebrews 13:6); I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13); All things are possible to me. I have faith so nothing is impossible. (Matthew 17:20; Mark 9:23); I am a forgiver. I am patient and kind. I walk in love. (1 Corinthians 13, Romans 5:5); Jesus has become my wisdom. (1 Corinthians 1:30); I have the mind of Christ. (Philippians 2:5); The Spirit of truth lives in me and teaches me all things. He guides me into all truth. (John 14:26; 16:13); The Lord gives me wisdom and understanding. (Proverbs 2:6); God is for me. (Psalm 56:9).

Lord, thank you for your wonderful love and the ultimate gift of love, your forgiveness due to Christ's sacrifice on the cross, for my sins. It is only through the cleansing power of that blood, that I can walk in your holy, presence and talk to you justified ~ Just as if I'd never sinned against you. Glory to your holy name! Lord, I am so weak and pain makes it difficult to think straight. Now they want to add a medication that will make me dizzy, weaker, and sleepy. I am worried and heartsick. Help me to focus on You and Your love for me. God help me to love you with a pure heart and rejoice in your truth, your word to me. Help me trust in you for everything. Lord, pain and illness isolates me so often. Please help me find ways to reach out to others and love them, just as you loved me. I pray this prayer in Christ's name, Amen.

Kenosis vs. Fame

"Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion. Because of that obedience, God lifted him high and honored him far beyond anyone or anything, ever, so that all created beings in heaven and on earth—even those long ago dead and buried—will bow in worship before this Jesus Christ, and call out in praise that he is the Master of all, to the glorious honor of God the Father. " Philipians 2:5-11

Christ's gift to me can never be matched ~ by anyone, anytime in history. It is the story of God's grace and love for me ~ for everyone who hungers and thirsts for life beyond sin, beyond death. Christ emptied Himself, became man and died for me! Kenosis is the Greek word used by early Christians and Paul. It is the Greek word used in Philipians 2:7. It means self-emptying.

Do I see this very often in everyday life? Not really. But I am always looking for examples of Christ in this world.

Here are two videos about Colt McCoy that demonstrates this "kenosis" in the real world.
(I am not a football fan but can appreciate someone like Colt's faith in the face of the unknown and pain; when peer pressure and media try continually to make you into a hero. Listen what Colt does with his "fifteen minutes of fame").

Lord, I come before you now and ask for your help. I walk in the world, as myself, and I find it difficult to empty myself. I want so much to be Christ-like, or a Christian ~ in the world.

Lord, You are worthy to be praised! The gift of Your Son on the cross is a gift beyond comparing. That He fought death and decay and came from the tomb victorious ~ for my sins ~ is unbelievable! Help my unbelief... Just like He was raised from death to walk a new life ~ I have been raised, redeemed from sin's darkness and shackles ~ to walk a new life. Thank you is such an insignificant phrase for such a glorious gift. Lord, I come before you today ~ hungering and thirsting for your words ~ for the retelling of the Salvation Story; the story of the life, death, burial, and resurrection of the Son of God. With a heart of full of longing and praise, I pray this prayer in Christ's name, Amen.

Firm Foundation

Firm Foundation
Today was a day of doctor visits, specialists in their field. Last night it was hard to sleep, hard to breath in and out. Test results, more tests to take, and more pain seem to be my future. Numbing the fear by eating mindlessly has been my solution most of my life. Changing that behavior is so difficult. For most of my life I have been surrounded by people who base their perceptions, their truths on fear. Their life is based in judging others so that they can feel safe. Truth, love, and forgiveness is not part of their foundation. I pray for them every day but I have to move forward with my life. When it comes to my disfunctional family, I share Paul's wish:

Col. 2:2"I want their hearts to be made cheerful and strong. I want them to be joined together in love. Then their understanding will be rich and complete. "
As for my own personal fears about my health and my future ~ well, I have always dreamed and longed for a "home". Perhaps this is because I was a military kid or perhaps it is because home was never a safe place to exist. Maybe that is why I love the scriptures about "building" a life or making a home. 1 John4:17-18, "God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love. (The Message)"

Forming a strong foundation of love for my life is a goal I am working on every day. I have been crippled in more ways than one but when love runs freely throughout my heart, then freedom from worry is around the corner.

Sometimes humor helps to lighten the fear and make a path for the most important message.

Luke 6: 47-49 "These words I speak to you are not mere additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living. They are foundation words, words to build a life on. If you work the words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who dug deep and laid the foundation of his house on bedrock. When the river burst its banks and crashed against the house, nothing could shake it; it was built to last. But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don't work them into your life, you are like a dumb carpenter who built a house but skipped the foundation. When the swollen river came crashing in, it collapsed like a house of cards. It was a total loss. (The Message)"

Dear Lord, help me tonight to fall asleep without pain pills and without fear of the future. As the river of pain crashes on me with each breath, please Lord hold me with your hand and let my faith stand strong. I am such a weak person but with Your help, I know I can make it through anything that comes my way. Through Christ's name I pray this prayer, Amen.

Gaither "Rock of Ages" :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_ISoPWH5UE

Valentine Heart Mending Journey

Mark 12:30

Love the Lord your God with all your heart

with all your soul

and with all your mind

and with all all your strength. ...

Love your neighbor as yourself...

There is no greater commandment

than these.

If ever there was a man that made this his life's goal -

it was my father.

This year of pain, sorrow, and healing has been

quite a journey.

When it comes to my personal journey through this year of searching and healing -

I have learned that I really don't know much. My faith was tested and all my plans and hopes were changed so quickly. I started gaining weight after my broken leg, being disabled, my father's stroke and hospice and then dealing with relatives and the estate. I had to throw myself on God's mercy and beg for guidance and understanding. I started this blog - seeking a way through my disfunctional eating habits and I continue to seek His truth and direction in my life.

I don't know much

- but I know that I love the Lord with all my heart. I am trying to love Him with all my mind but my past, deep scars, and walls of pain get in the way some days. I love God with all the strength in my crippled body. Loving neighbors and dealing with relationships comes last in the commandments Jesus spoke of.... without the first - loving God, I am not capable of loving others.

I am a work in progress but

all I really need to know is

I love the Lord!

Dear Lord, thank you for your loving, guiding hand in my life. I heard someone at the swimming pool say the words - "I don't know much" and all of sudden I remembered an old song. When I have been bedridden these last three weeks, the song comes to mind and I realize as I scream "Why?" ~ that I don't know much. Lord I only see my small world, my short life. Thank you for bringing this song to my mind ~ one that tied into Christ's words to disbelievers. Lord, I am nothing and all my understanding is worthless unless I can follow the greatest commandment - to love You first and forever with my whole being. Please forgive me when I have been so filled with pain and lost in selfishness - that I have nothing to give to you. Help me realize that all you expect from me during that time is to just love You and to hold on until the pain stops. Forgive me when my faith is weak and my dreams for the future get in the way. Thank you for your Son who showed me that I am lovable and worth saving. With this overwhelming gift of grace, love begins as a seed and is growing and scattering light into the dark shadows of my past and lighting a way through numbness - leading to weightloss. Successful eating, excercise - all of it can only be done if I follow your plan for success. It is in the name of Your glorious Son that I come to you today in prayer, Amen.

Sweet Trust

The God of Love has sent me down a path that is shrouded in fog and pain. I can't see what is to come but I know that Christ is my guide and will save me from any holes, cliffs, or sharp turns that I cannot see or anticipate. Even though I can't see ahead, I walk by faith. Am I good at walking by faith? No, not always. So I go to the scriptures for help and I look for examples of other Christians that have gone through trials and were able to trust in the Lord. They were rewarded, some of them in this life.

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10

Below is a film clip about the author of the lyrics to one of my favorite hymns. The story is about trust ~ even in times when it seems impossible to take another step. This clip reminded me that God's people keep loving their Lord with all their hearts, minds, soul, body ~ their whole being.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1Cor. 13:4-7

Lord, thank you for your wonderful love and the ultimate gift of love, your forgiveness due to Christ's sacrifice on the cross, for my sins. It is only through the cleansing power of that blood, that I can walk in your holy, presence and talk to you justified ~ Just as if I'd never sinned against you. Glory to your holy name! Lord, I am so weak and pain makes it difficult to think straight. Oh, God help me to love you with a pure heart and rejoice in your truth, your word to me. Help me trust in you for everything. Lord, pain and illness isolates me so often. Please help me find ways to reach out to others and love them, just as you loved me. I pray this prayer in Christ's name, Amen.

Black and Blue

Black and Blue

My brother played little league baseball and I would watch from behind the fenced backstop. One time I had my nose and fingers sticking through the fence and wham! the batter threw his bat as he ran and I got a bloody nose, bruised fingers and a black eye. After that I would flinch every time I heard the crack of a baseball hitting a bat.

Family life behind closed doors was not easy. I learned to be afraid and overprotective of my body and my soul and my mind. Over the years, with God's help - I have learned that I cannot control life and there will be "black eyes" and I will feel black and blue often in my life. Hebrews 11:17 - Abraham was forced to sacrifice his son but at the last moment, God spared him this sorrow. Abraham believed God would fulfill His promises and was ready to do the unthinkable, the unbearable. "Blessed is he who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12 I am promised that if I get out there and keep believing, no matter what trial comes, how painful it may be ~ when "game over" is called ~ a crown and eternity with the Lord is around the corner. Dear Lord, Your mercy is amazing! Thank you for keeping me alive this long and healing my battered soul and mind - year after year. Help me to live a fearless life and but my trust in You every day, even when life becomes painful. Help me look at Your Son for my example on how to treat abusers. Lord please forgive my family and help them see how useless a life spent hiding secrets is... let them see the truth and stop denying the family "sins". Through Your Son's name, the Rock of my Salvation, I plead, Amen

Fresh Indoor Landscape

Fresh Indoor Landscape

It is a new year! Twenty-ten or 2010 - a new decade begins. The Lord has given me the strength to live through 2009 that was filled with: a shattered femur, forced disability retirement, my father's illness, death, and the eight months that it has taken to deal with his estate or trust. There is still much to deal with but the boxes of bank statements, old photographs, and other papers are sorted and stored. There is a feeling of rightness and peace after cleaning out all the corners and reaching the bottom of a box of dusty bank statements.
The heart is much harder to "clean". It is harder to organize the chaos there. The corners of the heart are more guarded and blocked by endless cobwebs of scars from my past. God through His great mercy, has cleansed me and that continual "cleaning" and forgiveness gives me great hope and peace. Psalm 51 also helps me today:"What you're after is truth from the inside out. Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life.
Soak me in your laundry and I'll come out clean, scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life.
Tune me in ~ to foot-tapping songs, set these once-broken bones to dancing.
Don't look too close for blemishes, give me a clean bill of health.
God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.
Don't throw me out with the trash, or fail to breathe holiness in me.
Bring me back from gray exile, put a fresh wind in my sails!" (The Message)

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Cor. 5:17

Lord God, thank you for allowing me to remain here, on earth for another year. Help me to walk in the light of Your grace. I have sinned greatly and I have allowed food and my need for food to control my life. Help me to clean out the dark places of my life. Guide me past the scars that are blocking my way to the new life you have ready for me. Thank you for sending Your Son, Jesus to live, die, and live again - all so that I could stand in Your holy presence - a new, forgiven creation. When I think of Your love for me, I want to celebrate! You are worthy to be praised! It is in Your Son's name I pray this prayer, Amen.

Tick, Tock

Tick, tock...

The end of 2009 draws closer. This week I have been trying to go through my father's personal papers - boxes and boxes. There were birth certificates and death certificates from relatives that I never met; pictures and letters from people who knew my parents or my grandparents but these things mean nothing to anyone who is living now. So I am left exhausted again and the urge to eat overtakes me. I have to stop and try to figure out what is causing this "hunger". I think it is the sense of my own mortality. Also - I have very little family left. My extended family (that are still alive) are strangers to me or they are either crazy, religious Pharisees, or non-christians. Every time I have contact with them, I make the effort to connect but we just don't have anything in common and I find it difficult when they buy into the disfunctional family system and the lies told about the abusers in the family. The wall of denial that they put up when I am around seems to be impossible to cross. So I am left with no family to visit during the holidays. The only reason I saw my niece and nephew, my brother and sister was because they visited my father when I was there taking care of him. Now that the inheritance has been dispersed ~ the only contact from them is when they email or call to ask, "Isn't there more?" Their greed and accusations hurt and anger me greatly. The lies continue to be spread around the family that is left- that I spent money on myself when I was in charge as my father's power of attorney and even now after his death as the trustee of his trust. They were not around to take care of my father so it was either hire caregivers or do the work myself. I have not paid back evil with evil and I have tried to "turn the other cheek", explain calmly but they continue to believe lies. I know that the greed and lies in my family system are smokescreens for the sins and secrets that the family wants to hide from. So they look for a scap goat. There is great evil at work in that family system; suicides abound in each generation and nothing gets better - just worse.
So today - with all of this - I want to stuff the loneliness, the anger, the disappointment, my personal insecurities about growing older - with eating and more eating. Christmas candy is on sale for 50% off! Then there is the fact that my birthday is in December. So with all this sadness weighing on my heart causing a black hole of hunger... I go to the only place where the truth can be found ~ to the scriptures:

Psalm 90:10 and then I read another passage: "By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return." Gen. 3:19 Whoa! Not a very encouraging thought... but as Paul Harvey used to say: "And now for the rest of the story". From Genesis on ~ every birth comes with Satan's deliberate signature of death written across our souls. I have to face it - I am destined to die. The older I get, the faster the years seem to fly and every month I am hearing of the death of someone that is my age or older. It is human nature to do anything to escape the tick, tock of my own doom's day clock - even as I mark my mortality with yearly celebrations such as birthdays. The rest of the story is: Christ is waiting to place his signature of life on my soul chained by death's chiming. Christ's signature erases Satan's handwriting. To get His signature, there are no long lines, no game levels to conquer, no payments and no one can stop Him from writing His name on my heart - no lies told by family can take it away. He gives His signature freely. He writes the signature with His own blood and grants never ending life stamped with God's own spirit. Am I ever glad that I went to His word today to help with my depression, my fears, my anger, my sorrows! Did it help with the eating and hunger? Yes, today it did! I passed by the aisles of candy and got some bottled water instead. I could not have done it without God filling my life, placing in my mind and heart His love, His healing balm. Thank heaven that my sins have been forgiven so that God can touch my life today and fill my every day with His glory. What do I need that the Lord has not already provided?
"Don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or if the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your inner life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the ravens, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, carefree in the care of God. And you count far more. ...People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself. " Luke 12

Lord God, thank you for helping though another very rough day! Lord watch over those members of my family and guide them to the truth. Help them to overcome their greed. Lord, let me go to your word which continually reminds me that no scheme of man can pluck me from Your hand. Lord, give me patience and love and help me to know what to do when it comes to my family. I have tried all my life to open their eyes to the truth but they are floating around in a grey mist trying to deflect the truth of abuse with secrecy and lies. If it is Your will that I keep on trying, please guide me in that direction and give me the strength to once more take the abuse, the slander, and the pain that comes with it. It hurts so much Lord, and it opens the memories and wounds of physical, sexual, verbal, and mental abuse. Lord thank you for your promise of eternal life with You. Without that vision, I would perish. Thank you for giving me all I need. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

He Paid the Price

Unclean Redeemed

Unclean Redeemed

Have you ever felt invisible? There are times when I feel like people don't see me - the real me. There are many times when obesity = invisibility. Those people who do look at me for just a second and then quickly look away are probably thinking, "Boy, I'm glad I don't look like that!" I sat in the back of many a church assembly and watched people greet and visit members and guests around them. What I have noticed and what research shows, people gravitate toward physically attractive people. Those that are obese but dress to the nines and are cheerful are included more readily. For those of us who are obese the following facts and examples hit too close to home:

"Clear discrimination against overweight people has been documented in three areas: education, health care, and employment. The reason for this appears to be very strong anti-fat attitudes. For example, 28% of teachers in one study said that becoming obese is the worst thing that can happen to a person; 24% of nurses said they are 'repulsed' by obese persons; and, controlling for income and grades, parents provide less college support for their overweight children than for their thin children. "(from Stigma and Discrimination in Weight Loss Management by Dr. Kelly Brownell) http://naafaonline.com%20(the/ following links are film clips of two models that dressed as size 22 women and how they were treated. Clip #1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE1Z-si4skY Clip #2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2SBKdik_gc Clip #3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3X031RoEZvw )

Why do I bring all this up? Several reasons. Today I was sitting in services next to someone larger than myself and I was wishing that I was somewhere else. I wanted to be included in the crowds of people who were "seen". I wanted to distance myself from those that were obese and even from myself - distance myself from my own body. Then I remembered the parable of the Samaritan. "When he saw the man's condition, his heart went out to him". The priest and the Levite "saw" the man but did nothing - the injured man was invisible. The hero of this story was considered unclean, unredeemable, and despised by the Jews who were hearing the story. Jesus taught compassion and humility by making the hero of the story someone who knew what it felt like to feel invisible.

Where do I see myself in this story? I am the person beaten and left for dead in my sin, confusion, and despair. However, as the Lord has lifted me up, starting the healing process, and given me some success with weightloss - every once in a while, I also see myself as someone who wants to travel on the other side of the path from the abused and beaten; someone who wants to walk with the "normal looking" crowd, say a quick hello and then run past the complex, time consuming problems of the invisible obese, elderly, poor, or downtrodden in the congregation. When I feel this way, I give myself a good kick and remember that God saw me when I was down and out. He loved and accepted me ~ as I was ~ obese and discouraged. I pray that I can get past this fog of sin and disfunctional way of seeing the world and love myself and others as He loved me. I Cor. 13:12 "We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!"

Sarah said in Gen. 16, "You're the God who sees me! "Yes! He saw me; and then I saw him!"

"We love each other because He first loved us"

I John 4:19.

Dear Lord, Please help me today to trust in You for my deliverance from obesity. I know that I cannot loose weight without your help. There are too many failures weighing me down and I am so used to the ditch where life has left me to cry in pain. You are my only help Lord! You have forgiven my sins, washed me white as snow, and now it is my turn to help others. Lord forgive me when I am drawn to the "in" crowd and walk past those who need your love the most. Lord help me walk in Your light and guide me on the path of life. In the name of Christ, the Light of the World, I pray ~ Amen.

Pit of Disrepair

A dark pit of failure. Starting the day with plans to eat healthy, follow the program and continuing to loose weight ~ then going out into the world, getting beat up, and coming back home and eating. Stuffing the anger and confusion, the need to fit in, - stuffing it with food. For over 2 months I have been loosing weight - 38 lbs. and over 29 inches. I know it is all God's doing - all His victory.

"When people's steps follow the Lord,
God is pleased with their ways.
²⁴ If they stumble, they will not fall,
because the Lord holds their hand.." Psalm37:23-24

I read this passage and sometimes it doesn't help - I am still confused. I feel like I am in a tail spin - ready to hit bottom - hit it hard. That is what my feelings shout out with every emotional ache of failure. Today, I have to just believe with my mind, my soul - and hope the feelings will change. The Philippians 4 formula usually works and conquers my emotions. "Think on these things....". So this week, today, I will read passages that hold positive promises. Even though I don't feel the Lord's hand holding me - I will envision it there, think about how He showed His love to me thousands of times. I will hold on to God's promises.

Lord God Almighty, I am falling again into failure. Lord, so many controlling, abusive people poured evil thoughts into my mind for decades. All the voices from the past are shouting like loud winds, "You are worthless, you are broken and can't be repaired, you fail at everything, the Body is evil - and you can't control it without our help! God can help but, be practical, listen to us - we know you better." Lord, only Your presence helped me survive the lies and abuse. You held my mind in a secret place, helped me distance myself from the abuse - so that I could survive and learn to live again. Lord, I am hopeless at living a "normal" life. I don't know what to say to people and when I do try to engage in "small talk", I have little to relate to. How much time can someone spend talking about the weather? Lord, guide me in this "maturing" aspect of my life. Help me to know, really know you are with me everywhere. Help me remember that You can shout to the loud winds, "Be still!" and they obey Your commands. I need Your help, every step of my life. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

• Steven Curtis Chapman: Beauty Will Rise - Live ~
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=el-UboNj_nQ

100% Cloud Cover

100% Cloud Cover

Today, once again, I search for the right path, the correct way to behave, the right thing to say. I used to spend so much time thinking about food, dreaming about food, numbing out with food.... There is more time to be "real" now, more time. That is a scary thought! I am reminded of the Israelites that were slaves and then had freedom. What did they do when they had the whole world ahead of them and freedom waiting to be grasp? They wanted to go back into the "security" of slavery. So God gave them something to do. They gathered manna, they got organized, and then they built a place for the presence of God - a place for God to dwell while He was with them.

"Then the cloud covered the Meeting Tent, and the glory of the Lord filled the Holy Tent..... When the cloud rose from the Holy Tent, the Israelites would begin to travel,³⁷ but as long as the cloud stayed on the Holy Tent, they did not travel. They stayed in that place until the cloud rose. ³⁸ So the cloud of the Lord was over the Holy Tent during the day, and there was a fire in the cloud at night. So all the Israelites could see the cloud while they traveled." Exodus 40:24-38

With God as their guide there was no doubt about which path to take or where they would go. They simple had to follow. He was not distant, but an ever-present guide and companion. Their job was to exercise their faith, be patient, and be ready to follow when the cloud lifted. I need to remember that God is the same as yesterday. He has given me His Holy Spirit to guide me on this journey - this new life of freedom and choices. He asks me to trust Him and have faith.

Lord God Almighty, help me to willingly wait for Your timing and to be ready to go at Your command. Lord, help me to hold up Your Son's life as a mirror, as a map. Give me strength for the journey and let Your words be the food that gives me strength each day. Just like the Israelites brought idols with them - hidden away, I have my addiction to food and the voices from abusers ringing in my ears. The addiction slows me down and blocks me from seeing You and the voices from my past lie and spread anger and hate. Help me to be truly free of these things and to look only at Your holy presence. Lord, I can never thank you enough for sending Your Son as a sacrifice, so the veil could be torn and I could freely come, cleansed and forgiven into Your Holy presence. You are worthy to be praised! In Jesus - the High Priest's name, in Christ - my Redeemer's name ~ I plead for Your daily guidance, Amen.

Salvation's Garden without Weeds

Salvation's Garden without the Weeds

I think survivors have layers of healing to deal with. There are times when something someone says or does triggers a part of the mind that has not been healed. "At the right time" God presents a challenge, a memory, a sore spot that needs to be healed - at that time. When this happens, I experience that moment in time as if it were happening again. I am shocked, angered, and worn out by the sharp reality of abuse, family secrets, and lies. I want to deny it all. Denial is the easy road to take. For those people that think that one zap heals all problems ~ that in one second God heals and allows an abused person to walk as a totally whole person - I say - that idea is probably cruel denial on their part. It is easier to deny the amount of work that must be done to heal from years of abuse. God made my mind so wonderfully that it allowed me to "be gone" mentally during years of abuse. If he had not blessed me with such a creative mind - I would have killed myself at age 8 or 9. The memory "switch" doesn't come back on all at once, revealing all the atrocities in the bright light of truth. God is gentle in his healing and kind, he guards and shelters us from those hurts that our minds cannot take in one revelation. He turns on the light with a "dimmer", letting me see what my soul can handle. Emotionally I know that I have to learn to crawl first and then walk before I can run. To expect anyone who comes from an abused background to be healed instantly - to zap the pain away or weight off - is just plain cruel.

You can tell that this is an emotionally charged issue for me. Today at the pool I thought that one lady was declaring that if I only prayed harder and forgive everyone that had ever hurt me - if I followed that quick and easy formula of faith - that complete healing was there for the taking. She asked if I had forgiven my mother. I told her yes. However, as new memories flood over me, as I walk forward into new situations in life and find that I was not taught a skill or my vision of life was warped by my mother's fears and brainwashing ~ new reasons to forgive and grow come to light. With these new memories - come momentary anger at what was done to a little girl.

As for the lady at the pool ~ I did get angry at her. Where did the anger come from? Who was I angry at? Then the Lord opened my mind and shed light on a few more past memories of other times when I had tried to loose weight... of other times that people said "just bow before the Lord, open your heart to Him and He will heal you - just believe!" Well, I spent years of pleading, I had bloodied knees and blood shot eyes from praying. God answered my prayers and taught me that He still loves me and there are natural, normal, God-created ways to heal the mind and spirit that has been abused. I am so thankful he sent me to the right people for help. I was blessed with therapists that let God heal me - layer by layer.

Life was unjust, people were unjust, and along the way people were foolish. Anger wells up inside me sometimes. Today triggered memories of times when God fearing brothers and sisters said inappropriate things because it was easy for them to say, "Just pray ~ God will heal you." They did not have the strength or knowledge to take the time back then and allowing me to work through the grief, disbelief, and lost years due to abuse. It helps me to realize that it was not their job and they could not handle it. They did not know what to say - so - out came their only advice. I try to remember that God has given me people who were sign posts, pointing the way to Him. Today, I am battling frustration and anger. Today, I turn again to God for help, for pruning, and for the watering of my soul:

^"Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. God's righteousness doesn't grow from human anger. So throw all spoiled virtue and cancerous evil in the garbage. In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation-garden of your life. " James 1:19-20 (The Message version)

My prayer is that I can learn to forgive others for being human and imperfect - forgive instantly and hold my tongue and my judgement of their inability to help me. I cannot expect others to understand the deep hurt and scars of abuse. I hope that next time I will understand that others do not see me - the real me - like God does ~~ and that is more than enough. There is a balm in Gilead!

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." Eph. 4:31-32 (New Living version)

So today I come before the great Gardener and plea for forgiveness and salvation. I hold onto the hope that healing will come. I rejoice in another week of healthy eating and weight loss. Without God's work in my "salvation garden", I would still be locked in the darkness of fear, rage, and shame. Without God's help and healing throughout the years I would be filling my hungry, battered, grief-stricken heart with food. He is setting me free and I know that some day soon I will bloom - it will be a blossom created by God and His nurtured seed in my heart will flower in His time and His season of joy.

Lord, today I come before you humbled by my human frailty, my weakness. So much of my life is still bound and chained by the emotions that are still hidden. Thank you for uncovering the layers of memories and hurt - using Your time table. You are truly wonderful and worthy to be praised. Thank you for the helpers that you have sent during my life's journey. Lord please help me to forgive those that meant well - but were insensitive. Help me to be slow to speak and even slower to show anger around others. Help me to deal with my anger in a contructive way. Thank you for those that have spent years training to be helpers to others - therapist, doctors, councilors, and ministers. They have such beautiful feet and such healing hearts. To You, Lord I give my anger today, and through my Redeemer's name I pray. Amen

Freedom

Freedom

Freedom! Freedom from depression, from sadness, from the chains of addiction! At least for part of this day - that is how I felt ~ free. It was mostly a good day ~ and that goodness can only come from God. Today I want to focus on freedom.

For much of my life I was held captive ~ by controllers or abusers. I even joked with people in support groups and in therapy ~ "Every year or so, I would spend time at our family's concentration camp!" They would look confused, shocked, or disbelieving. Some people still do not believe that we had concentration camps in America - in American history. No way! But they are wrong. To the people behind the barbed-wire fences and guard towers ~ they knew that they were being led to a concentration camp when the gates closed behind them. To the people who were herded and poked in the back with a sword, pistol, Winchester, M1, or M16 as they were led into these "detention centers", "relocation centers", or whatever the government called them at that particular time in history ~ those people knew that they had lost their freedom.

After World War II ended, my family bought the land where one of the ten Japanese-American concentration camps once stood. Today there is still evidence left behind of the 8,000 people (half of them children) that were kept there: a smoke stack from the hospital, huge concrete circles where the water was treated, and soil filled with broken concrete, gravel, and sand. When I was younger, in the 50's, there was much more of the camp showing. Now there is a monument and Japanese-Americans come with their grandparents to visit the place where they went to school - behind barbed wire; where they played baseball - with a gun pointing at them from the watchtower.

Yes, I grew up and played baseball in the same place that someone else did - we shared one thing in common - across the years: the feeling of being trapped. I felt trapped and stifled by abuse and a family system steeped in secrets. Shedding light on my family's disfunctional lifestyle, on the secret sins, on the unspeakable acts ~ this helped me to be free from continuing the cycle of abuse. Truth! Truth will set people free ~ can set a nation free from future acts of injustice. Fear traps people and nations in disfunctional behavior. Seeing the world through God's eyes is the solution. Seeking truth in all things. However, truth that is not tempered with love, mercy, and grace - only leads to more fear, hatred, and abuse. Truth and freedom go hand in hand.

Freedom ~ it is a wonderful feeling! Jesus' touch can free us from pain and he came to free us ~ came to free me:

"God's Spirit is on me; he's chosen me to preach the Message of good news to the poor, Sent me to announce pardon to prisoners and
recovery of sight to the blind, To set the burdened and battered free,
to announce, "This is God's year to act!" Luke 4:18-19

Today, I feel like rejoicing. My wheelchair is fixed and I am free to move around! The rain has stopped and I can cruise outside unto my patio and take a breath. My life has been purchased by the blood of the Lamb. Life can be good ~ with God's help and with the prison gates open wide - Life can be good!

Lord, thank you for the freedom that Your love and grace bring to me. You are powerful beyond measure and I feel so free when I am plugged into You. Forgive me when I do not see Your love everywhere and in every thing. Lord, I pray for those that are still in prison ~ whether it be spiritually, physically, emotionally, or mentally. Show them that they can be free ~ with your help. Through Christ all things are possible and through His name I come before you, Amen.

Below the song - "I Am Free" is the three part introduction to the film series that I am working on about Jerome Arkansas and the Japanese American camps during WWII.