Lord, we pray for all the soldiers that are being sent around the world and that serve here at home. Please help us to remember those who gave their lives for America, even if we did not always agree on the military actions of that time in history. God, you are in control of our nation. Please guide our leaders, for without you ~ nations fall. Today, and all weekend ~ I am so thankful for my earthly father. Everywhere he went, he put his job in the Lord's army first. He brought thousands to Christ but was a humble man. Even though he had over ten medals from various wars and won commendation after commendation - he always said it was an honor to serve his God and country ~ that he was just a soldier waiting for his next marching orders. Thank you Lord, God for examples like my Dad. We praise your name today and pray that whatever "marching orders" you send us, we will be listening for the call and be ready to serve you with all our hearts, minds, and will. In Christ, our Saviour's name, Amen.
My father was in WWII, two tours of duty in Vietnam, and served his country with destinction for over 50 years. His death last year has been difficult for me. Memorial Day, for me, has always involved the military aspect - honoring and remembering those who gave their lives for this country. This film takes a quiet moment to reflect..The melody was a nightly tune on every base that we lived on. "Day is done, gone the sun, from the hills, from the lake, from the skies. All is well, safely rest, God is nigh. .....Go to sleep, peaceful sleep, may the soldier or sailor, God keep. On the land or the deep, safe in sleep."
Tonight, again, I am watching the finals to The Biggest Loser on TV. For weeks I have been so depressed and felt like giving up on everything. I kept trying to count my blessings- so many tests showed nothing wrong. So when I was told that I was having seizures and that I would have to start on medication that costs $200 to $300 a month...well, I gave up! For over 4 weeks - I just gave up! Everyday I prayed and thanked God for a new day of life but when I started eating - starting at breakfast .... I did not stop eating until bedtime. I have gained 18 lbs of 45lbs that I had lost! When I see the amazing weight loss of those on TV... I get even more discouraged. The Lord is on my side! How can I not be a "winner". But then I have to remind myself that life is not a competition and I should not compare myself to anyone else. God does not compare me to anyone else. I am unique and His treasure, His creation. My soul will stand alone before the throne of God to be judged. I am responsible for my life, my sins, ....tonight - I come before Him once again confessing my sins, my addiction to food, and my fears, my lack of faith in God's love.
So, once again, I write this entry as part of a journal, searching every day for the Way to turn hunger and thirst for love into a spiritual feast that replaces emotional eating habits. The days that I write in the online journal - those days and those blog entries are testimony, not of my success, but of God's guidance in my life and His love for me. So I go back and read the entries, read the scriptures that got me through a difficult day. I listen to the songs that helped me through temptation before. Journaling is so helpful as a tool to understanding why I eat, to see what my true weaknesses are, my triggers.
God's words continue to guide me - today, about temptation, confession, and that God is in control. Here are some basic thoughts the scriptures that support those thoughts:
Jesus is my Lord.The devil has no power over me. (Matthew 28:18; Colossians 1:13); In Jesus’ name I can block satan from controlling my life and forbid him from bothering me in any way. (Mark 16:17; James 4:7); No weapon formed against me shall prosper. (Isaiah 54:17); I fear no evil for You are with me Lord. (Psalm 23:4); Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. (1 John 4:4); Christ has set me free from the curse of sin and death. By His wounds, I have been healed. (Galatians 3:13; 1 Peter 2:24); The Lord is my Shepherd. I do not lack. (Psalm 23:1); My God is supplying all I need. (Philippians 4:19); I am a child of Almighty God.He loves me and takes good care of me. (Matthew 6:32-33; 7:11); The Lord is my Helper. I will not be afraid. (Hebrews 13:6); I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13); All things are possible to me. I have faith so nothing is impossible. (Matthew 17:20; Mark 9:23); I am a forgiver. I am patient and kind. I walk in love. (1 Corinthians 13, Romans 5:5); Jesus has become my wisdom. (1 Corinthians 1:30); I have the mind of Christ. (Philippians 2:5); The Spirit of truth lives in me and teaches me all things. He guides me into all truth. (John 14:26; 16:13); The Lord gives me wisdom and understanding. (Proverbs 2:6); God is for me. (Psalm 56:9).
Lord, thank you for your wonderful love and the ultimate gift of love, your forgiveness due to Christ's sacrifice on the cross, for my sins. It is only through the cleansing power of that blood, that I can walk in your holy, presence and talk to you justified ~ Just as if I'd never sinned against you. Glory to your holy name! Lord, I am so weak and pain makes it difficult to think straight. Now they want to add a medication that will make me dizzy, weaker, and sleepy. I am worried and heartsick. Help me to focus on You and Your love for me. God help me to love you with a pure heart and rejoice in your truth, your word to me. Help me trust in you for everything. Lord, pain and illness isolates me so often. Please help me find ways to reach out to others and love them, just as you loved me. I pray this prayer in Christ's name, Amen.
The end of 2009 draws closer. This week I have been trying to go through my father's personal papers - boxes and boxes. There were birth certificates and death certificates from relatives that I never met; pictures and letters from people who knew my parents or my grandparents but these things mean nothing to anyone who is living now. So I am left exhausted again and the urge to eat overtakes me. I have to stop and try to figure out what is causing this "hunger". I think it is the sense of my own mortality. Also - I have very little family left. My extended family (that are still alive) are strangers to me or they are either crazy, religious Pharisees, or non-christians. Every time I have contact with them, I make the effort to connect but we just don't have anything in common and I find it difficult when they buy into the disfunctional family system and the lies told about the abusers in the family. The wall of denial that they put up when I am around seems to be impossible to cross. So I am left with no family to visit during the holidays. The only reason I saw my niece and nephew, my brother and sister was because they visited my father when I was there taking care of him. Now that the inheritance has been dispersed ~ the only contact from them is when they email or call to ask, "Isn't there more?" Their greed and accusations hurt and anger me greatly. The lies continue to be spread around the family that is left- that I spent money on myself when I was in charge as my father's power of attorney and even now after his death as the trustee of his trust. They were not around to take care of my father so it was either hire caregivers or do the work myself. I have not paid back evil with evil and I have tried to "turn the other cheek", explain calmly but they continue to believe lies. I know that the greed and lies in my family system are smokescreens for the sins and secrets that the family wants to hide from. So they look for a scap goat. There is great evil at work in that family system; suicides abound in each generation and nothing gets better - just worse. So today - with all of this - I want to stuff the loneliness, the anger, the disappointment, my personal insecurities about growing older - with eating and more eating. Christmas candy is on sale for 50% off! Then there is the fact that my birthday is in December. So with all this sadness weighing on my heart causing a black hole of hunger... I go to the only place where the truth can be found ~ to the scriptures:
Psalm 90:10and then I read another passage: "By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return." Gen. 3:19Whoa! Not a very encouraging thought... but as Paul Harvey used to say: "And now for the rest of the story".From Genesis on ~ every birth comes with Satan's deliberate signature of death written across our souls. I have to face it - I am destined to die. The older I get, the faster the years seem to fly and every month I am hearing of the death of someone that is my age or older. It is human nature to do anything to escape the tick, tock of my own doom's day clock - even as I mark my mortality with yearly celebrations such as birthdays. The rest of the story is: Christ is waiting to place his signature of life on my soul chained by death's chiming. Christ's signature erases Satan's handwriting. To get His signature, there are no long lines, no game levels to conquer, no payments and no one can stop Him from writing His name on my heart - no lies told by family can take it away. He gives His signature freely. He writes the signature with His own blood and grants never ending life stamped with God's own spirit. Am I ever glad that I went to His word today to help with my depression, my fears, my anger, my sorrows! Did it help with the eating and hunger? Yes, today it did! I passed by the aisles of candy and got some bottled water instead. I could not have done it without God filling my life, placing in my mind and heart His love, His healing balm. Thank heaven that my sins have been forgiven so that God can touch my life today and fill my every day with His glory. What do I need that the Lord has not already provided? "Don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or if the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your inner life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the ravens, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, carefree in the care of God. And you count far more. ...People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself. " Luke 12
Lord God, thank you for helping though another very rough day! Lord watch over those members of my family and guide them to the truth. Help them to overcome their greed. Lord, let me go to your word which continually reminds me that no scheme of man can pluck me from Your hand. Lord, give me patience and love and help me to know what to do when it comes to my family. I have tried all my life to open their eyes to the truth but they are floating around in a grey mist trying to deflect the truth of abuse with secrecy and lies. If it is Your will that I keep on trying, please guide me in that direction and give me the strength to once more take the abuse, the slander, and the pain that comes with it. It hurts so much Lord, and it opens the memories and wounds of physical, sexual, verbal, and mental abuse. Lord thank you for your promise of eternal life with You. Without that vision, I would perish. Thank you for giving me all I need. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.
A surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across from him. "Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart...". "You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted. The surgeon looked up, annoyed. " I'll cut your heart open," he continued, "to see how much damage has been done...". ....."But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there," the boy insisted. The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. He talked to them as a family directly, "When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up and I'll plan what to do next." The boy tugged on the coat sleeve of the doctor and said, "But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The Bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart."
The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart. I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels. And I'll find out if I can make you well." The young boy looked at the doctor with serious, faith-filled eyes and said - one last time,"You'll find Jesus there too. He lives there." The surgeon left.
The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery: "...damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration. No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy: painkillers and bed rest. Prognosis: " here he paused, "death within one year." He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud. "Why did You do this? You've put him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. Why?" The Lord answered and said, "The boy, My lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is a part of My flock, and will forever be. Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain, and will be comforted as you cannot imagine. His parents will one day join him here, and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to grow. " The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You created that boy, and You created that heart. He'll be dead in months. Why?" The Lord answered quietly, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for he has done his duty: I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb. " The surgeon wept.
The next day, the surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?" "Yes," said the surgeon. "What did you find?" asked the boy."
"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.
-- Author Unknown
Lord God, lead me to the cross every day. Help me to see that without Jesus, without the blood of the Lamb, sin covers my life and soul. Wash me white as snow each day with your light and love. Caste my sins into the deepest part of the ocean. You are worth to be praised! In my Savior's name I pray, Amen.
I skipped Wednesday. ... ... .... well, Thursday was weigh in day - so needless to say Wednesday was a little rough. I made it through prayer and focusing on other things to do. Wednesday evening I ate more than I wanted to - good things but still more than I had planned. Thursday I had therapy first then went straight to weigh in and get measured and then I went and got a massage. My weightloss couch said that I did great - which is code word for I lost some weight. Since she was the only one in the office - I did not have to deal with office staff and people in the waiting room. Saturdays are not the day to go to Medifast. It is extremely crowded. .... ..... ....
Wednesday night I woke up about 12 times with exhausting dreams about my Dad. One of them went like this: The hospital called saying that I had to get there right away (this had happened many times over the last 6 years). I get in my car in the middle of the night and start driving but I never get there. It begins to rain, the road gets washed out, the detour takes me the opposite direction, and so on... I wake up tired, crying, and feeling guilty that I had not been able to be there to help. Grief hits again. Sometimes I feel guilty that I feel guilty! I am glad that my role as caregiver is over with. That also makes me feel guilty! I am still having to deal with his estate but that will be over with eventually. I know this is all part of the grieving process but is so much work. So I count my blessing that I am now "disabled" and retired. God has not given me something that I cannot bear. If I was having to work, go to physical therapy, and deal with this grief - I think I would have broken down. I care! It is so hard to stop the role of an active caregiver - being responsible for the daily, even hourly needs of someone. Praying as you rush to the hospital becomes part of your life. .... .... ....
My brother also is "disabled" but mentally. For the last 3 days I have had to deal with a new relationship with him based on guilt and grief. Dealing with him sends me into an overwelming need to eat, to numb the pain and confusion; the guilt and grief. He mourns for his past normality. He is so lost in a world of fear and conspiracies. It anger's me that the government will not make him take his medication. Let's just say that knowing that you cannot take care of someone who is unwilling or unable to get the help they need - is sometimes worse than the role of a caregiver. My heart breaks for him. My prayers are heavy with longing for him - he needs peace and to live without his mind full of conspiracies. .... .... ....
An algebra lesson on variables popped into my head this week. Definition of a variable: (1). a quantity that can change or vary, taking on different values (2). a letter or symbol representing a varying quantity. So my daily equation is:
2G = 1Guilt + 1Grief . .... ... ...
The dreams and feelings that are overwhelming me at times about my father are 1 part guilt + 1 part grief. My feelings about my brother are also 2G. Shouldn't I just offer him my home - open my doors to him? But I have been down that road before - during college - I shared a house with him. I had just gone through a divorce after 20 years of marraige and he was desperate, on the road with no car. One of my roommates during that time offered to let him stay in the extra 3rd bedroom with us. I don't remember how long he stayed - maybe it was not long - weeks or months - I just know it was extremely hard to deal with. That I don't remember any details of that time must mean that when he was around I disassociated even more.
Now my Dad is dead. My Dad and brother had a co-dependent relationship. My Dad would say "no" but in the end he would give in and give my brother money and let him stay in the house. Dad suffered verbal abuse daily as well as having to hear loud raintings and ravings from downstairs. He moved my brother out countless times but somehow my brother found a way back into the house again and again and before long all of his stuff would be moved downstairs. When the abuse became physical, I stepped in to protect my 85 year old father. That co-dependency would pull on Dad's heartstrings and he had doubts - as my brother pleaded for money, to visit the house, etc. However, the new rule was no contact at the house and a caregiver had to be present when my Dad and brother met. That rule - made and enforced by me - stood until my Dad was on his death bed and could not be hurt again. My brother was allowed to spend the last days of my Dad's life by his bed. Now that my Dad is dead, and I am the trustee of the trust - the authority figure, my brother is transferring that dependency to me. How can I say no? Am I not my brother's keeper? So the guilt and grief mingle. I must say no - if I love him! Without medication, my brother begins to think that I am part of the massive conspiracy and he becomes abusive, accusatory, and sometimes violent. So I email him and tell him - if he gets help and goes on meds - there is a home for him. And I pray. (Dad and I used to talk on the phone every day and my brother was a subject that always came up. We both would sigh and say - all we can do is pray.) ... ... ... ...
When thinking about the unfair, complicated feelings that mental illness in a family system can bring - I think about this daily goal from one check list:
I will delight in the knowledge that we are each created different because it is in our differences we make a more powerful and beautiful whole. We each reflect a different aspect of the mystery of Life and God. Individually and together we are a Masterpiece! .... .... .... ....
Since every year 54 million people are diagnosed with one mental illness or another - seeing the big picture through God's eyes is extremely important. .... .... .... ....
My prayer during these days of confusion brought on by guilt and grief - is to be drawn closer to God - and my mantra is just to take it one step at a time and to breathe...
Lord God, please help me to know what to do with this overwhelming grief and guilt. You are in control and I cannot deal with all the emotions that are swarming around me. I have taken a path toward healing when it comes to my eating compulsions. Please help me to continue that process. I realize that my healing is not happening in a void - that I must learn to live with my life, the death of my Dad, my past abuse, and my mentally ill brother. Lord take control of all of this today. In my Redeemer's name, I pray. Amen.
Lord, we pray for all the soldiers that are being sent around the world and that serve here at home. Please help us to remember those who gave their lives for America, even if we did not always agree on the military actions of that time in history. God, you are in control of our nation. Please guide our leaders, for without you ~ nations fall.
