Tonight, again, I am watching the finals to The Biggest Loser on TV. For weeks I have been so depressed and felt like giving up on everything. I kept trying to count my blessings- so many tests showed nothing wrong. So when I was told that I was having seizures and that I would have to start on medication that costs $200 to $300 a month...well, I gave up! For over 4 weeks - I just gave up! Everyday I prayed and thanked God for a new day of life but when I started eating - starting at breakfast .... I did not stop eating until bedtime. I have gained 18 lbs of 45lbs that I had lost!
When I see the amazing weight loss of those on TV... I get even more discouraged. The Lord is on my side! How can I not be a "winner". But then I have to remind myself that life is not a competition and I should not compare myself to anyone else. God does not compare me to anyone else. I am unique and His treasure, His creation. My soul will stand alone before the throne of God to be judged. I am responsible for my life, my sins, ....tonight - I come before Him once again confessing my sins, my addiction to food, and my fears, my lack of faith in God's love.
So, once again, I write this entry as part of a journal, searching every day for the Way to turn hunger and thirst for love into a spiritual feast that replaces emotional eating habits. The days that I write in the online journal - those days and those blog entries are testimony, not of my success, but of God's guidance in my life and His love for me. So I go back and read the entries, read the scriptures that got me through a difficult day. I listen to the songs that helped me through temptation before. Journaling is so helpful as a tool to understanding why I eat, to see what my true weaknesses are, my triggers.
God's words continue to guide me - today, about temptation, confession, and that God is in control. Here are some basic thoughts the scriptures that support those thoughts:
Jesus is my Lord. The devil has no power over me. (Matthew 28:18; Colossians 1:13); In Jesus’ name I can block satan from controlling my life and forbid him from bothering me in any way. (Mark 16:17; James 4:7); No weapon formed against me shall prosper. (Isaiah 54:17); I fear no evil for You are with me Lord. (Psalm 23:4); Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. (1 John 4:4); Christ has set me free from the curse of sin and death. By His wounds, I have been healed. (Galatians 3:13; 1 Peter 2:24); The Lord is my Shepherd. I do not lack. (Psalm 23:1); My God is supplying all I need. (Philippians 4:19); I am a child of Almighty God. He loves me and takes good care of me. (Matthew 6:32-33; 7:11); The Lord is my Helper. I will not be afraid. (Hebrews 13:6); I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13); All things are possible to me. I have faith so nothing is impossible. (Matthew 17:20; Mark 9:23); I am a forgiver. I am patient and kind. I walk in love. (1 Corinthians 13, Romans 5:5); Jesus has become my wisdom. (1 Corinthians 1:30); I have the mind of Christ. (Philippians 2:5); The Spirit of truth lives in me and teaches me all things. He guides me into all truth. (John 14:26; 16:13); The Lord gives me wisdom and understanding. (Proverbs 2:6); God is for me. (Psalm 56:9).
Lord, thank you for your wonderful love and the ultimate gift of love, your forgiveness due to Christ's sacrifice on the cross, for my sins. It is only through the cleansing power of that blood, that I can walk in your holy, presence and talk to you justified ~ Just as if I'd never sinned against you. Glory to your holy name! Lord, I am so weak and pain makes it difficult to think straight. Now they want to add a medication that will make me dizzy, weaker, and sleepy. I am worried and heartsick. Help me to focus on You and Your love for me. God help me to love you with a pure heart and rejoice in your truth, your word to me. Help me trust in you for everything. Lord, pain and illness isolates me so often. Please help me find ways to reach out to others and love them, just as you loved me. I pray this prayer in Christ's name, Amen.
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