Unbroken Circle

Day 19 & 20

One of my dearest friends past away recently. She was not famous, did not win the Nobel Prize, walk the red carpet, or have a hit song that was number one on the charts. Like me, she was a survivor. I met her in a support group at a Women's center in Tennessee. We were a circle of women who met in a small room. My thoughts are taken back to that time in my life. I am not a poet but I felt I should share the poem at the end of this blog post ~ as a tribute to my friend and other women encircled by the secrecy and shame of abuse. The lines with all caps are stanza or titles of hymns.

"The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit." Prov. 15:4.

.... .... .... Truth and love go hand in hand. Deceit and abuse go hand in hand. If you are a deceitful person you are abusing someone, somewhere. I have hurt so many people in my life and I hate the thought that I ever became abusive in my speech and manner. My friend Melba, was the most gentle spirit I ever knew. Her tale of abuse was 100 times worse than mine and yet I never heard anything from your mouth that was abusive. I will miss her dearly.

Dear Lord, I come to you heavy with grief for all those souls that have been abused by deceivers and liars. Help them find You and put their trust in You only. You are the great healer. Lord, please forgive me when I am not totally honest with others, when I hold back my sin and pretend I am "normal". I am so arrogant sometimes and I give advise so freely, without thinking how it sounds to others. Help me remember that Your words are light- not my words. You are the Way. Please take me ~ this broken, scarred vessel and let Your light shine through. In your name I make this prayer ~ Amen

The Circle

“WE GATHER TOGETHER TO ASK THE LORD’S BLESSINGS…”

as we did from the beginning.

Then, the only answer we received –

was inconceivable, unthinkable, and unconscionable.

Now we huddle close, chair touching chair;

A group of survivors.

While other women work

have afternoon teas

or read romance novels –

we speak with varied voices

of incest’s iniquities

rape’s ravages

and the pain we share.

“BLEST BE THE TIE THAT BINDS…”

we feel safe – bound together

against the huge wall of denial –

A wall that keeps us separated from “normality”;

A wall that keeps the outside world safe

from unpleasant thoughts:

“ Oh… they just imagined it….

It never happened….

Father would never…

Mother would never…

Brother would never…

Reverend Jones would never…

Dr. Smith would never…

It never happened…

Never happened!”

“IN THE HOUR OF TRIAL…”

we speak of what did happen

-fear making voices waiver

-fear that it will somehow happen again.

We will do anything to stop the pain –

Run, take drugs, drink,

Be crazy, get help,

Gain girth – so we will be bigger

than our abuser was-

larger than our fears

Help is hardest;

Peeling away the burnt fleshy layers of

Heart and mind.

Peeling away

Layers uncovering rage as strong as atom bombs;

Layers of such sadness that it would take ten

Thousand mourners

A thousand years to mourn;

Layers of guilt -

branded with the numbers – the dates

of shameful, unspeakable deeds –

scorched skin seared with words:

“You’re dirty…You’re bad…You asked for it!

You deserve it…It’s your fault!

It’s your fault!”

“WILL THE CIRCLE BE UNBROKEN,

BY AND BY LORD, BY AND BY…”

A sisterhood of survivors

we inch forward.

Together, we will not be denied!

Together, we will stop the abusers.

Together, we are millions –

Circling the globe with healing.

® 1991

All caps = Titles of hymns