The Lonely Road

Day Twelve & Thirteen

Why is Sunday the loneliest day of the week? I think it is because I miss the fellowship of Christians. Due to my emotional problems and my physical disability, I find it difficult to get to the church building. When discussing it with Christians at the fellowship where I have "membership", I have heard this comment more than once: "Isn't there a place closer to your house where you can worship?" The pain of this attitude and insensitivity haunts me today again. I already feel like I don't belong any place. I already feel like no one could possible accept me - the real me - that was battered and abused, that is now healing but struggling with so many feelings. I know if I go to church, I will probably cry because grief and guilt are so close to the surface. Isn't there any place where keening is accepted? We live in such a puritanically society where emotions that are expressed loudly are met with, "Can't you find someone to help you?", "Shouldn't you be in therapy?", "Just pray and the pain will pass". ... In other cultures, people are hired to keen, weep, and wail at funerals. Why? To make sure that those that are mourning feel comfortable in crying out loud and to direct the attention of others toward the loudest sound, the ones ripping their cloths and pounding their chests. I long for keeners! I long for someone to be there and comfort me during the darkest time or even the times that sneak up on you - when you find yourself crying for no reason that you can pinpoint. The feeling of loneliness is overpowering sometimes. Sundays - people fellowship and praise God together - together. Sundays - people go out to eat and laugh over weekly events or just a toddler trying to get a carrot stick up their nose while sitting in a restaurant highchair. Sundays - fellowship with a party atmosphere - afternoon bridal showers, meals in homes followed by afternoon games - football on TV, Wii or Nintedo, or just watching through the window and sipping iced tea as children play in the backyard, inventing their own games. Sundays - the redeemed come together before the table to remember the best gift - salvation through a Lamb's blood, splattered on the doorstep of sinful hearts. What ever happen to Christians bringing the Lord's Supper to the homebound and the sick? Do we have to request this visit? Why should we beg and plead for visitors? Who will take the effort to invite a wounded, disabled mess to their feast - their "party"? Do I have to be the one to make sure the house is handicapped accessable? Do I have to drive to a house ahead of time and "scope it out"? I asked to be placed in a fellowship group or life group that was close to where I live and handicapped accessable - but I have never heard a word? No, I never had a call. What ever happened to friends like the ones in Mark 2:1-5 that actually tore a hole in a roof to make sure their friend could be at Jesus feet. ... ... ...

Today, I feel lonely and betrayed. I "went" on mission fields when few would go. I know I am nothing and any effort I made in the past was nothing... any reward heavenly. I did those things joyfully (or as joyful as an emotional survivor with unresolved issues could). But if I could go and help others - as wounded and flawed as I was, why can't others come to me on paved roads, into a subdivision that is accessed by five major roads?... .... ...

I know God was and is always with me but I feel lonely and sick with sorrow today. One of the greatest dangers being in the presence of loneliness too long is its companion - bitterness. .... .... ....

"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted" David said this in Psalm 25:16. .... .... Moses cried to his people, "What great nation has a god as near to them as the Lord, our God, is near to us?". ... .... "God...will never leave you or forsake you" Deut. 31:6. .... .... .... ....

So today, like many, many days, I have a choice to make: run away from the loneliness and bitter pain by eating, numbing out with movies and lots of food OR opening the drapes, letting the sun shine in and run toward Jesus, viewing the world and my problems as though they were behind me - with Christ before me. It is a hard choice: stretching away the sore muscles of pain's past and setting foot - in front of foot - - going forward (even if it is with a walker). ... .... ... For this moment - I choose Christ. My prayer is that I will always run forward with Christ instead of staying in the dark valley of loneliness. He fought the loneliness of Gethsemane, where the darkness and burden of all our sins forced him face down in the dirt. However, He split the heavens of hope open wide with His resurrection ~ showing us a lighted path out of loneliness and despair. So because He fought loneliness and won, I can do it! Thinking about Him and His love for me - I feel less lonely. ... ... .... .... "Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith." Heb. 12:1-2 .... .....

Lord, help me out of the dark, bitter place called loneliness. Help me to think of others that are lost without hope, instead of wondering why pain lingers like a ghost in every room of my house. Thank you for Jesus and His gift of love. Help me look at Him ~ as I climb out of despair and run the daily race. Through His name I pray, Amen. ..... ....