2G = Guilt + Grief

Day Ten & Eleven

I skipped Wednesday. ... ... .... well, Thursday was weigh in day - so needless to say Wednesday was a little rough. I made it through prayer and focusing on other things to do. Wednesday evening I ate more than I wanted to - good things but still more than I had planned. Thursday I had therapy first then went straight to weigh in and get measured and then I went and got a massage. My weightloss couch said that I did great - which is code word for I lost some weight. Since she was the only one in the office - I did not have to deal with office staff and people in the waiting room. Saturdays are not the day to go to Medifast. It is extremely crowded. .... ..... ....

Wednesday night I woke up about 12 times with exhausting dreams about my Dad. One of them went like this: The hospital called saying that I had to get there right away (this had happened many times over the last 6 years). I get in my car in the middle of the night and start driving but I never get there. It begins to rain, the road gets washed out, the detour takes me the opposite direction, and so on... I wake up tired, crying, and feeling guilty that I had not been able to be there to help. Grief hits again. Sometimes I feel guilty that I feel guilty! I am glad that my role as caregiver is over with. That also makes me feel guilty! I am still having to deal with his estate but that will be over with eventually. I know this is all part of the grieving process but is so much work. So I count my blessing that I am now "disabled" and retired. God has not given me something that I cannot bear. If I was having to work, go to physical therapy, and deal with this grief - I think I would have broken down. I care! It is so hard to stop the role of an active caregiver - being responsible for the daily, even hourly needs of someone. Praying as you rush to the hospital becomes part of your life. .... .... ....

My brother also is "disabled" but mentally. For the last 3 days I have had to deal with a new relationship with him based on guilt and grief. Dealing with him sends me into an overwelming need to eat, to numb the pain and confusion; the guilt and grief. He mourns for his past normality. He is so lost in a world of fear and conspiracies. It anger's me that the government will not make him take his medication. Let's just say that knowing that you cannot take care of someone who is unwilling or unable to get the help they need - is sometimes worse than the role of a caregiver. My heart breaks for him. My prayers are heavy with longing for him - he needs peace and to live without his mind full of conspiracies. .... .... ....

An algebra lesson on variables popped into my head this week. Definition of a variable: (1). a quantity that can change or vary, taking on different values (2). a letter or symbol representing a varying quantity. So my daily equation is:

2G = 1Guilt + 1Grief . .... ... ...

The dreams and feelings that are overwhelming me at times about my father are 1 part guilt + 1 part grief. My feelings about my brother are also 2G. Shouldn't I just offer him my home - open my doors to him? But I have been down that road before - during college - I shared a house with him. I had just gone through a divorce after 20 years of marraige and he was desperate, on the road with no car. One of my roommates during that time offered to let him stay in the extra 3rd bedroom with us. I don't remember how long he stayed - maybe it was not long - weeks or months - I just know it was extremely hard to deal with. That I don't remember any details of that time must mean that when he was around I disassociated even more.

Now my Dad is dead. My Dad and brother had a co-dependent relationship. My Dad would say "no" but in the end he would give in and give my brother money and let him stay in the house. Dad suffered verbal abuse daily as well as having to hear loud raintings and ravings from downstairs. He moved my brother out countless times but somehow my brother found a way back into the house again and again and before long all of his stuff would be moved downstairs. When the abuse became physical, I stepped in to protect my 85 year old father. That co-dependency would pull on Dad's heartstrings and he had doubts - as my brother pleaded for money, to visit the house, etc. However, the new rule was no contact at the house and a caregiver had to be present when my Dad and brother met. That rule - made and enforced by me - stood until my Dad was on his death bed and could not be hurt again. My brother was allowed to spend the last days of my Dad's life by his bed. Now that my Dad is dead, and I am the trustee of the trust - the authority figure, my brother is transferring that dependency to me. How can I say no? Am I not my brother's keeper? So the guilt and grief mingle. I must say no - if I love him! Without medication, my brother begins to think that I am part of the massive conspiracy and he becomes abusive, accusatory, and sometimes violent. So I email him and tell him - if he gets help and goes on meds - there is a home for him. And I pray. (Dad and I used to talk on the phone every day and my brother was a subject that always came up. We both would sigh and say - all we can do is pray.) ... ... ... ...

When thinking about the unfair, complicated feelings that mental illness in a family system can bring - I think about this daily goal from one check list:

I will delight in the knowledge that we are each created different because it is in our differences we make a more powerful and beautiful whole. We each reflect a different aspect of the mystery of Life and God. Individually and together we are a Masterpiece! .... .... .... ....

Since every year 54 million people are diagnosed with one mental illness or another - seeing the big picture through God's eyes is extremely important. .... .... .... ....

My prayer during these days of confusion brought on by guilt and grief - is to be drawn closer to God - and my mantra is just to take it one step at a time and to breathe...

Lord God, please help me to know what to do with this overwhelming grief and guilt. You are in control and I cannot deal with all the emotions that are swarming around me. I have taken a path toward healing when it comes to my eating compulsions. Please help me to continue that process. I realize that my healing is not happening in a void - that I must learn to live with my life, the death of my Dad, my past abuse, and my mentally ill brother. Lord take control of all of this today. In my Redeemer's name, I pray. Amen.

Jungle Out There

Day Eight & Nine

Monday and Tuesday flew by! Monday was physical therapy and then my caregiver/helper came by to work. I had made flyers to put up at Dallas Baptist University for roommates so we headed there to put them up. Because I am now on disability, I must take in roommates to help pay the mortgage. I took the wheelchair hoping to cruise around the campus and get some fresh air. It was a hilly campus and not as handicapped friendly as I thought. So I ended up hanging out in the car while Renee put up most of the signs. Then we went to Walmart and I did use my electric wheelchair. It is so easy to use and I spent too much time shopping. I was able to shop for food that will work well with the Medifast diet. We did not get home until almost rush hour. When Renee left I rested and went to bed early. Tuesday we worked on putting away boxes and items in my bedroom and put up drapes. When I moved into the house I nailed a bedspread over the bedroom window. It looks good now and the bedroom has been swept for the first time in a while. After I shattered my leg last October, the christian caregiver that I hired stole $4000 from my bank account and I had not had help since January. I did the best I could to keep things picked up and put away. Then my father's strokes and death happened in April and I brought boxes and boxes of paperwork and valuables home, where they have been left sitting for months. A friends came over after lunch today and helped clear out most of the old boxes out of the garage. What a blessing!

Dieting ~ well the last two days have been good. I am recording what I am eating and keeping busy or resting. Keeping busy is important and evenings are the hardest time of day. The cravings come hard and heavy ~ especially when all the commercials on TV are about food! There is one that is playing now from an ice cream store. They just shout the words ice cream, cake, ice cream, cake, ~ over and over again while showing flashes of ice cream and cake. Normally this wouldn't even tempt me but I was ready to get out into the car and drive there!

I am thankful for every minute that God helps me get through without falling into despair or pigging out. He is my only strength. I have been reading Max Lucado's book "Traveling Light, Releasing the burdens you were never intended to bear ~ the Promise of Psalm 23". In the chapter "It's a jungle out there" he talks about Psalm 23:3 ~ "He restores my soul." The book reminded me of several scriptures. In II Peter 2:11 "...you are like foriegners and strangers in this world". And also God encouraging me to lift my eyes from the jungle of temptations, fears, and hopelessness in Col. 3:2 ~ "Don't shuffle along, eyes on the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ... see things from His perspective."

One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 121 ~ "I lift my eyes to the hills - Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth...The Lord will keep you from all harm - He will watch over your life." So as I go through these days, struggling minute by minute to do what is right, to conquer fears and memories, and to forge new habits ~ I will try to remember who is watching over my whole life.

Lord God Almighty, thank you for another few days of help as I try to eat healthy. I am such a habit-bound, compulsive eater. My sin is ever before me and I feel like I am lost in a jungle of emotions. Help me find a lighted path to your salvation. I know that this will only happen when I follow Jesus, my Redeemer, my life. It is in His name I pray for mercy today, Amen.

On Eagle's Wings

Day Seven

I realize that some days I will not be able to write a blog entry. The Medifast diet for diabetics is really the best for me. Like I have said before - I prayed about what to do and this worked for me over a decade ago until my weightloss and other issues led to my divorce. The last two days on this diet have sent my blood sugar on a roller coaster ride. I stayed in bed most of one day but tried to eat and stay on the program. I carefully monitored my blood sugar levels. Could it be that my body is getting used to the shakes? I am not used to eating every 2 hours. Could this be the problem?

As I napped and read, the thought of "eagles wings" kept coming to mind. I need to be "raised up on eagle's wings" every day ~ held in the palm of God's hands.

Lord Almighty, hold me up and help me from plunging into deep depression today. I want to live a new, healthy life with You. Please guide me as I go through these feelings that are brought to mind when food is the issue and the past scars keep past hurts walled up. Set me free so that I might be of service to You, so that I can open my arms wide and love others. I know Lord that my path lies to the foot of the cross and salvation comes from Jesus and his sacrificial offering for my sins, my past, and my disfunctional life. It is through His name I pray this prayer today, Amen.

God is good

Day Six

The second day with the Medifast diet went well. I stayed busy and I did not worry if I followed the plan exactly. What I mean to say is that I substituted other diet options for those that were in Medifast. It was probably a mistake to "start" as soon as I got the program directions, menus, etc. I had not shopped but I could not shop until I got all the instructions. Since shopping is quite an ordeal when you are in a wheelchair, I decided to do what I could to make the day successful. "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might." My caregiver came over and we cleaned out all the shelves, pantry, etc. and boxed up foods that are not on the program. Except for Healthy Choice and Lean cuisine frozen meals - I am set. The diabetic program I am on is 5 + 2 +2. This means that I must drink 5 shakes a day, eat 2 lean and green meals, and I can have 2 snacks. That is a great deal to think about - so for now I am supplementing some of the frozen dinners for the lean and green meals, sometimes adding extra veggies. I know canned veggies are not ideal but they will work in a pinch and I have about 25 cans that can fit well into the program. We worked hard today and the kitchen is organized and ready to go. I still need to shop weekly for fresh veggies and salad making materials but I will think about that on Monday when the caregiver comes back.

Listening to my YouTube playlist of Christian music helped me keep my momentum today. There were a few low periods. I am still going through boxes from my parent's house. There is so much to shred but in between 30 year old utility bills are pictures, notes, and other items that someone in the family might want. I think that if I can scan a great deal of the documents, notes, and pictures ~ the family members can pick which information or items that they want to print. That is a task that will have to wait. I am mostly sorting through paper work for garbage, filing, or shredding. At least the boxes that are left will be well labeled and organized. These should fit well in the garage. I am hoping to have roommates by September 1st, so there is a time crunch. I was not overwhelmed as much today. I cried a few times when I found pictures or notes, but that is OK.

Over all I feel tired but encouraged today.

John 4: 10,13-14 ~ Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water. ... Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

I have always loved this passage because so many of the people that Jesus stopped to talk to were broken. He met them by the roadside or under a tree and just began to speak. Everyday settings but unbelievable words of life. The formula for change and eternal life! That we have the gospel to read is a daily feast. I am thankful every day for His word of life. God is good ~ all the time. Psalm 116:5 ~ "How kind the Lord is! How good He is! So merciful, this God of ours!"

Sin's Voices

Day Five

Picking up the pieces of my life and actually going to the Medifast center to pick up all the program's "stuff" was a numbing experience. Inside I was excited and I kept telling myself that I am committed to this path and I won't stop. But as the weight-loss coach and personal adviser talked, my numbness increased. My mind kept shouting, "They can never understand you! They can never see the real you, no matter how hard they try, they cannot deal with the inner you." As Tanya, the adviser, talked I nodded my head and said I understood because I have heard it all before. I warned her that for a diet to work for me - the diet part has to be simple because the emotional part will drag me to failure and I can't deal with both. I paid the money and signed the contract. I have been down this path before many times. Still filled with fear, I warned the office staff as I went out the door that I don't want cheerleaders, I don't want to know how much weight I am loosing. I told them that, for me, it has to be all about getting the weight off, so that I can be healthy. They patched smiles on their faces as they said that they understood and that there are others like me, but I could see in their eyes that I don't fit the usual client profile and they didn't really understand. I smiled back and drove away. Inside I was shouting, "No one understands, no one can sort out and dig deep enough to see the real me!" As despair threw me against a wall of pain again, I reached out for the only certainty that I had: God Is! Jesus lived, died, and lives again for me! If I am going to make it past these walls of painful memories that are tied to anything having to do with my body ~ I need help! I need help digging through these emotions and robotic responses that keep me marching down the same path, day after day, numbing bite after bite. I cried out to the Lord for help.

"This is what the LORD says, He who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it—the LORD is his name: 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeramiah. 33:2-3 So as I drive the car away, I cry out again, fighting with unbelief, "No one can see the real me without turning away in disgust!" My Mother looked at me and cringed or curled her lips in a sneer. Every moment with her was a battle for control ~ on one side was her trying to control my every breath so that my sinful nature would not reign over me and on the other side was me ~ battling to stay alive, to fight the pain. She couldn't even say my name as she tried to cleanse the dirt from inside me. She had to disconnect herself so much from what she was doing that my pleading did not reach her. Her mantra was, "The body has to be clean.... the body is not normal...the body does evil things" Not "your body", ... What she saw in me was so vile, that she could not even say my name, she could not look at me and stay sane, and, the most searing pain of all ~ my own mother could not look at me and love me. Whatever she saw filled her with so much fear, that there was no room for love.

So when the office staff at Medifast spoke, once again I felt like I was holding on to the edge of a icy cliff and my every breath aching in total disbelief that anything or anyone could really understand. I do want to hold onto hope and reach for the light. I believe in God - I do! I believe that He sent His Son, who died and rose for me ~ for me ! I do believe this! When I look at all the beauty around me every day, when I see God's spirit "working" in lives all around me ~ I believe and praise His name! He has healed so many parts of my soul and given me strength to live each day, work in the real world each day, and sing His praises each day. But ......When it comes to dealing with my body, I find myself back on that cliff again, more afraid then ever! "Help my unbelief! I thought I was healed Lord? Where are you Lord?" I feel He has hit layers of emotional bedrock that cannot be penetrated. I feel like David, "I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Sin has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within." ............. .............. So as I continued to drive home from this first appointment, despondently I turned on the radio and a "Song of Love" was playing. "Jesus I love You, my Lord, my life! Where would I be without You...Trials may come and friends they may go, what really matters is You, my Lord." I pulled over in a parking lot and cried. Where they cleansing tears? I do not know. The next song was "Born Again". "I was lost when You found me here. I was broken beyond repair. Then You came along and You sang Your song over me." but when the chorus played, I could not sing because I did not feel it: "It feels like I'm born again. It feels like I'm living for the very first time in my life." ~ ...... ...... This chorus made me feel farther way from peace and from an answer. I don't feel "born agan" every moment of the day. Then the next verse reached out ~ ~~ ~~~ "Make a promise to me now, reassure my heart somehow that the love I feel is so much more real than anything." but I turned of the radio in anger. The only real thing I felt for decades was fear and pain. That was my reality! Where was God then? Where was He when I cried out to him as a six year old, a seven year old, and on and on, year after year! I pulled into my garage still crying. When I got home I dropped the bag of promises by the doorstep and I refused to look at the colorful recipe books, all the promising pictures of people who had lost weight. I couldn't stop crying, so I went to the scriptures to help me through another dark time of disbelief. I surrounded myself with uplifting music filled with God's promises from my playlists. ........ ............ ......

Did this help? Yes, a little. The battle rages on within me today and every day. Sometime it helps to be with people but most of the time it does not. My therapist is a great comfort and guide. I long to be in therapy every moment of the day ~ to get fixed ~ today! But I have learned over the years that it takes time to work through the layers of pain and abuse. ............. ...........

Like burn victims, I scrap away the dead layers so that new layers can heal. There are other aspects to healing from burns ~ ~ fighting infections, pumping liquids and nutrients into the body, and sometimes scrapping away layers again that are not healing properly. It takes time. Sometimes limbs are lost so that the body can survive. So I try to sooth my spirit with things that have helped my sick soul in the past: music, nature, scriptures, daily activities in the real world. One of those activities is writing. I write these words for myself as a record. I tell myself that each layer that is torn off, brought to light, and soothed is one more step toward healing. I hold on today to the things that I am certain of and I try to be thankful and count the blessings that I have in this moment. When it comes to eating today, I will do my best. I will try to remember that God did not forsake me, even though it felt like it thousands of times. That I cannot understand His ways. So today I dried my eyes and I went out into the 100 degree heat and watered my potted plants and prayed that God would refresh me in the same way. I am thankful for the Internet and all the sources of encouragement that are present there.

Lord God, help me to make it through this time of darkness and healing. I have so many memories that I can't remember. I realize that you protected me during those times of abuse by allowing me to "leave" that reality and find a safe place. Now it is time for me to uncover the lost little girl with her scars, her heart full of terror, disbelief, and rage. Help me work through this time of discovery, of redemption. Sometimes I don't want to heal because it hurts so much. Please guide me onto a healthy path. Lord thank you for sending your Son who beaten, abused, and killed for my sins. With his love, help me find forgiveness for what I have continued to do to my ugly body. Help me to forgive others and not bottle up the rage and anger ~ until I must stuff the pain back down with food. In Jesus name I plead and lay my burdens at Your throne ~ Amen.

Here is another song from my playlist that helped me today: